All the creativity of these last few days is getting my mind working in so many different ways. It feels like some untapped reserve of awesomeness was just released. I'm still tired and I still hurt, but I've got motivation to get things done that I haven't seen in years. On top of the crafts I've been producing, my entire house got clean this weekend - without screaming or swearing (much)! I have had a clean and shiny sink for 24 WHOLE hours. I made delicious dinner of venison stew last night using this recipe and when everyone else conked out before putting the leftovers and dishes away, I did it myself. Now, I didn't exactly ENJOY doing it, but I did it. It was worth it to wake up to a clean sink this morning.
I've been told that when you start to get grouchy and angry about housework and picking up after everyone else, you should stop and be thankful that you HAVE someone to leave a mess around for you. That might be the only thing that keeps me going. Some day, my house will be clean and it will stay that way, and I will cry my heart out because that means my kids will have all grown up and moved away. I don't think I could even contemplate how lonely I will be without my three hooflings around.
Anyway, I'm always surprised during these brief moments of cleanliness around the house that I have more time and even more motivation to do fun stuff. A clean house feels like permission to relax for a minute and treat myself. When things are all messy and cluttered, I don't feel like doing anything because it's just too much hassle to fight through the clutter to gather ingredients or find a clean workspace. It's easier to play solitaire. But, when things are clean, and tidy, and put away I am confident that I can find what I need to do what I want. That isn't always the case, however. That's just the way I feel.
The one place I have never been able to get a handle on cleaning is the office area. It is not only where DH and I have our computer desks set up, it is also where we keep the craft supplies, tools, materials, comic books, historical references, gaming manuals, and all sorts of odds and ends. I used to keep out of the office completely. I would set up my desk in another room in the house and leave the office for DH to do whatever he desired. I guess I wanted him to have his "own" space where he could be quiet and alone if he wanted to be. I generally never went in there unless I was putting something of his away. I didn't clean in there and instead of nagging DH about it, I just closed the door and walked away.
There are a few problems that have arisen with this idea. First, DH having his own space is good in concept, but he doesn't seem to really mind one way or the other. He likes that I respect his space, but it isn't a requirement for him. It is very convenient for me to be near him when he works from home so I can run interference with the kids and keep them quiet. Second, having ALL the craft stuff in the office is as much for protection of the kids from the items as it is mess control. It also meant that I had to grab the craft stuff I wanted, work on it elsewhere, and return it when I was done or risk the children getting hurt by it or destroying it. It was enough of a hassle that I just didn't care to mess with it. At first, that wasn't a big deal because crafting was DH's "thing." However, over the last few years I've realized I really enjoy making stuff and I'm pretty happy about that. Third, giving DH a room all to himself meant I didn't have a place of MY own to keep my stuff and work on my projects. Our house just isn't big enough or two offices so if I need some time to sit and relax or work on something, I've been relegated to the living room or dining room. Besides, we end up using the same materials (even if we aren't doing the exact same thing) and it isn't practical to have stuff in more than one place, especially when we both need whatever the other one has.
When we moved back to this house, we didn't exactly sit down and discuss seating arrangements. I just asked him if he minded my desk being in his office and he said he didn't. Now that we are happily sharing one room, all the computers and craft stuff are in one place and we have a work area and storage to keep kids out of it (well, in theory we do.) The last few months like this has reminded me how much I love spending time beside DH. It isn't exactly "together" time, because we aren't actually doing anything together. We just happen to be in the same room. He might be researching Comanche style beaded moccasins at his desk while I'm crocheting place mats at mine. We generally sit quietly, listening to our own, separate play lists and doing our own thing but every now and again he will ask me too look at something he found or I'll hold up my work to show him my progress. It is a cozy sort of co-existence that we have and I love that part of "us."
But, as much as I love hanging around in here, I am going to have to make a few changes. DH's method of organization is based on various paper boxes marked with sharpies and stacked on a shelf. While this has worked fine for him, IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE! I can't go on much longer this way! Thanks to Pinterest I have a huge list of crafts I want to work on (Check my pins and tell me what you think! I'm kind of in love with this place.) but I can't find what I need to complete them. My desk (and the floor around it, and shelf next to it) is crammed and piled high with bins and bags in my vain attempt to keep what I need close by and still have a place to work.
In the past, whenever I wanted to try a new hobby, I could easily talk myself out of it as soon as I found out how much money I would need to invest in it just to start. Sometimes, I've been able to get started with just what DH has laying around, but as soon as I need to purchase something to take it further, I lose interest. In my mind, if I have to spend money on it, then it isn't relaxing or pleasant and I will move on to something else. However, most of the crafts I've been doing use recycled items or materials we already have plenty of. This means no financial investment, just time and effort. Because of this, I've been able to turn inspiration into production several times over the last few weeks. My only issues are GETTING to the materials and finding somewhere to put the recycled items that I'm gathering to make something out of. For instance, I want to make a rug or two (maybe three...) out of t-shirts. It will take a LOT of t-shirts. I have several already and I will be gathering more over the next few weeks, but where do I put them in the meantime? I'm afraid leaving them in a basket will only get them recycled through the laundry again and again, and it looks messy, besides. I've got to make a place to keep this sort of stuff as well as all the other things we have. I know there is a box completely full of ribbon and trim somewhere around here but I have no idea where. I need it, but I have no idea where to start looking and as soon as I find it, I won't have anywhere in the office to keep it where I can get in and out of it easily.
Basically, some organization is going to have to happen and, if history tells me anything, I will have to do it myself. I'm going to have to balance DH's personal style of (dis)organization and my desire to put everything in matching containers with labels. Thankfully, Pinterest has answers for this, too. I've been pinning and collecting organizational ideas to make better use of our space and to use the items we already have. I will be posting my progress with this, and maybe even some "before", "progress", and "after" pictures (if DH will let me.) I'm hoping that my telling the world about my plans will help hold me a little more accountable and maybe I'll get things done more quickly than usual.
Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.
Deb "Crafty" Lollar
Monday, January 9, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Raising Girls
Today, a few FB friends were having a conversation about girls' toys and I was a little shocked that one of them refuses to allow Barbie for her kids. Yes, I understand about the doll's shape being blamed for bad self image, but I don't buy it anymore. I've seen so many other images flashed in the media that are exactly opposite of what Barbies look like, that I don't think it makes as big an impact as it might have before. At one time it did reflect the media's portrayal of women. If you look at old ads from the 50's Barbie dolls look a lot more like those women back then than they do today. Compare them to ads in current magazines and you can see an obvious difference in the physical shapes that are preferred. Truthfully, I don't like media's portrayal of women, but I don't think today's images are any more or less damaging than they were back then. Women in the 50's wore CORSETS! How unrealistic is THAT? Ans is that any worse than the skinny, boy-like, unfeminine shapes that are seen on the runway today?
Anyway, here is what I had to put out there concerning my views on raising girls. This is an exact quote of what I wrote there.
"Here's my two cents worth. I used to have MAJOR issues with Barbie since I have had issues with weight and self image all my life. However, I have three girls. I did everything I could to give them as many "boy" style toys as well as girly things, but family members started giving the girls Barbies, and they loved them. We don't have all the accessories and cars and houses. Just the dolls and whatever they were wearing in the box. They LOVE to play with them. All of them. They also love their Pollys and their tiny animal collection and the blocks that they build into houses and zoos. A few years ago, we got a child sized suitcase full of Barbies when a friend's daughter outgrew them and there was wide diversity of skin colors and styles in there as well. They play with all of them equally. Even Ken. Although, Ken gets dressed up in dresses as often as not. (That's another story for later.) I pay attention to the games they play and the stories they create with them. I can be confident in saying the only thing these toys have encouraged is the desire to create and design more clothing out of interesting things. One of them wants to be a fashion designer and she uses the Barbies as her models. My daughters are all beautiful, confident, and secure with themselves. I have a sporty girl, a down-to-earth girl, and a girly girl. All three are unique and proud of who they are. Barbies and other "girly" toys have not undermined that at all."
At this point, my friend agreed with me that Barbies don't necessarily damage young girls. She played with them and she came out fine. Today's Barbie campaigns are all about Girl Power and Becoming Whoever You Want To Be. I can't argue with those kinds of values. There are other toys and product lines that are far worse with the images and values they project. The Barbies of our days are now the American Girls Dolls, but I think they go a step further in the wrong direction. Beyond becoming a status symbol for the rich families that can afford all the accessories, the amount of frivolous crap that is created for the dolls is simply wasteful, in my opinion.
However, my friend apparently prefers a different line of dolls who are more modestly dressed and project the values that more align with her beliefs. These dolls are similar in size and shape to the American Girl Dolls but they are specifically designed for Jewish families. I think Jewish dolls for Jewish girls is a great concept. Why shouldn't toys reflect who you already are and who you want your children to become?
This is what I had to add to my previous monologue.
"I agree. We have plenty of other dolls, too. I hope you don't mind my hijacking your wall for a moment, but I have to get one more thing off my chest. The thing that I have found that makes the most profound difference is keeping a dialogue open concerning the images they are exposed to. I don't always agree with what's out there, but I know they will get a dose of it whether I like it or not. All I can do is prepare them to be strong and make the best decisions. Way back in the Lizzie Maguire days, I talked to my oldest about what she thought about the characters and their decisions and even their fashion sense. When Hillary Duff grew up and started appearing in fashion magazines I bought them and let her look at them and we discussed what the "new image" said to her. Then came Hannah Montana. I suffered through all the episodes so that I at least knew what they were getting into. When Miley Cyrus released her "Can't Be Tamed" video, I watched it first (of course) and then we watched it together and talked about whether they felt it was appropriate or if her costumes were too skimpy. Just in the last few months my girls were talking about Demi Lovato and that gave me the opportunity to open a discussion about the rumors around her concerning depression, cutting, and eating disorders. Do I talk to them about this stuff every day? No. Do they think I am a big intellectual nerd because I turn music videos into learning opportunities? Probably? Do I think it makes a difference? Absolutely. "
The point I was trying to make here is that sure, some toys are just not what you want your kids to play with, and that's fine for you to make that call. But, I think you should not worry overly much about it because banning it doesn't really guarantee your children won't be influenced by it. If it is in your home, at least you can see first hand how it affects your children. They will have exposure to lots of other things that will make as big or bigger an impact on them than whether their doll has the same hair color as they do. If they are truly emotionally distraught about not being able to looking like a toy or not having the latest accessories, there is something much bigger going on than just playing with dolls. The dialogue you have with your kids will be a much bigger influence on the kind of person they will become. Your kids love you and look to you for guidance from the moment they arrive on earth. As long as you keep giving it, they will keep receiving it. Even teens who roll their eyes at you will still hear what you have to say (even though they don't admit it.) Daycare, school, friends, even family members will all have different ways of parenting and your child will be exposed to more than you can even contemplate. There is no way you can eliminate all of it, all you can do is raise your children with strong values so they are not damaged by it.
That said, I have to be completely honest, here. I have banned a few things in my parental career and I do not regret it. Making clear limits and sticking to them is one of the ways your children know you love them and are concerned for their safety. The key is to pick your battles wisely so that you only need to fight for something you REALLY feel strongly about. Make your reasoning known and stick to it. Even though they complain, they will respect you for it. If you really feel that Barbies are evil, then make your statement and stand firm.
Before my first little one was crawling, I had already decided that certain things are just too distasteful or dangerous for me to allow in my home. For instance, I don't like toy guns because I would rather my children grow up with a healthy respect for real guns than learn that playing with them is common. Unlike "realistic" cap guns and bb guns, water squirt toys and foam guns are brightly colored and do not resemble a handgun or a hunting rifle and will never be mistaken for one in a dark alley, so I'm fine with those. But, I don't allow them to pretend other toys are really guns or to aim pointy objects at anyone else. I'm a little crazy about it, but I also feel comfortable that my kids will never pick up a gun that they find lying around somewhere. When "forbidding" things, I have kept my list short and made my decisions clear and firm and I don't allow arguments about them.
I don't pretend that I am a perfect parent. I've made plenty of mistakes and been proven wrong more than I care to mention. However, kids are resilient and as long as you act out of love and concern for you child, no decision can ever really "damage" them. Mistakes get made and the way you handle them shows what kind of character you really have. Whether making rules about dinner time, friends, or toys, being honest and truthful is the best way to show your kids what maturity is all about. That really is the point of parenting, isn't it - to prepare them to stand on their own as mature adults?
Deb "Mother of Daughters" Lollar
P.S. A funny story regarding the banning of things - Apparently, I made the point so strongly against Spongebob that my kids were afraid to watch it even on a waiting room television. I didn't even say anything about it to them.THEY came to ME wondering how to handle it. Eventually, we decided that they could just play quietly with toys with their backs to the television set until our business in the office was done. I do have to say though, the banning of said yellow sponge was as much for my comfort as because of the disgusting nature of the show. Aside from being excessively annoying, I still believe that the show was not created for young children and should not be viewed by them. It should have been stuck with Ren and Stimpy on Adult Swim.
Anyway, here is what I had to put out there concerning my views on raising girls. This is an exact quote of what I wrote there.
"Here's my two cents worth. I used to have MAJOR issues with Barbie since I have had issues with weight and self image all my life. However, I have three girls. I did everything I could to give them as many "boy" style toys as well as girly things, but family members started giving the girls Barbies, and they loved them. We don't have all the accessories and cars and houses. Just the dolls and whatever they were wearing in the box. They LOVE to play with them. All of them. They also love their Pollys and their tiny animal collection and the blocks that they build into houses and zoos. A few years ago, we got a child sized suitcase full of Barbies when a friend's daughter outgrew them and there was wide diversity of skin colors and styles in there as well. They play with all of them equally. Even Ken. Although, Ken gets dressed up in dresses as often as not. (That's another story for later.) I pay attention to the games they play and the stories they create with them. I can be confident in saying the only thing these toys have encouraged is the desire to create and design more clothing out of interesting things. One of them wants to be a fashion designer and she uses the Barbies as her models. My daughters are all beautiful, confident, and secure with themselves. I have a sporty girl, a down-to-earth girl, and a girly girl. All three are unique and proud of who they are. Barbies and other "girly" toys have not undermined that at all."
At this point, my friend agreed with me that Barbies don't necessarily damage young girls. She played with them and she came out fine. Today's Barbie campaigns are all about Girl Power and Becoming Whoever You Want To Be. I can't argue with those kinds of values. There are other toys and product lines that are far worse with the images and values they project. The Barbies of our days are now the American Girls Dolls, but I think they go a step further in the wrong direction. Beyond becoming a status symbol for the rich families that can afford all the accessories, the amount of frivolous crap that is created for the dolls is simply wasteful, in my opinion.
However, my friend apparently prefers a different line of dolls who are more modestly dressed and project the values that more align with her beliefs. These dolls are similar in size and shape to the American Girl Dolls but they are specifically designed for Jewish families. I think Jewish dolls for Jewish girls is a great concept. Why shouldn't toys reflect who you already are and who you want your children to become?
This is what I had to add to my previous monologue.
"I agree. We have plenty of other dolls, too. I hope you don't mind my hijacking your wall for a moment, but I have to get one more thing off my chest. The thing that I have found that makes the most profound difference is keeping a dialogue open concerning the images they are exposed to. I don't always agree with what's out there, but I know they will get a dose of it whether I like it or not. All I can do is prepare them to be strong and make the best decisions. Way back in the Lizzie Maguire days, I talked to my oldest about what she thought about the characters and their decisions and even their fashion sense. When Hillary Duff grew up and started appearing in fashion magazines I bought them and let her look at them and we discussed what the "new image" said to her. Then came Hannah Montana. I suffered through all the episodes so that I at least knew what they were getting into. When Miley Cyrus released her "Can't Be Tamed" video, I watched it first (of course) and then we watched it together and talked about whether they felt it was appropriate or if her costumes were too skimpy. Just in the last few months my girls were talking about Demi Lovato and that gave me the opportunity to open a discussion about the rumors around her concerning depression, cutting, and eating disorders. Do I talk to them about this stuff every day? No. Do they think I am a big intellectual nerd because I turn music videos into learning opportunities? Probably? Do I think it makes a difference? Absolutely. "
The point I was trying to make here is that sure, some toys are just not what you want your kids to play with, and that's fine for you to make that call. But, I think you should not worry overly much about it because banning it doesn't really guarantee your children won't be influenced by it. If it is in your home, at least you can see first hand how it affects your children. They will have exposure to lots of other things that will make as big or bigger an impact on them than whether their doll has the same hair color as they do. If they are truly emotionally distraught about not being able to looking like a toy or not having the latest accessories, there is something much bigger going on than just playing with dolls. The dialogue you have with your kids will be a much bigger influence on the kind of person they will become. Your kids love you and look to you for guidance from the moment they arrive on earth. As long as you keep giving it, they will keep receiving it. Even teens who roll their eyes at you will still hear what you have to say (even though they don't admit it.) Daycare, school, friends, even family members will all have different ways of parenting and your child will be exposed to more than you can even contemplate. There is no way you can eliminate all of it, all you can do is raise your children with strong values so they are not damaged by it.
That said, I have to be completely honest, here. I have banned a few things in my parental career and I do not regret it. Making clear limits and sticking to them is one of the ways your children know you love them and are concerned for their safety. The key is to pick your battles wisely so that you only need to fight for something you REALLY feel strongly about. Make your reasoning known and stick to it. Even though they complain, they will respect you for it. If you really feel that Barbies are evil, then make your statement and stand firm.
Before my first little one was crawling, I had already decided that certain things are just too distasteful or dangerous for me to allow in my home. For instance, I don't like toy guns because I would rather my children grow up with a healthy respect for real guns than learn that playing with them is common. Unlike "realistic" cap guns and bb guns, water squirt toys and foam guns are brightly colored and do not resemble a handgun or a hunting rifle and will never be mistaken for one in a dark alley, so I'm fine with those. But, I don't allow them to pretend other toys are really guns or to aim pointy objects at anyone else. I'm a little crazy about it, but I also feel comfortable that my kids will never pick up a gun that they find lying around somewhere. When "forbidding" things, I have kept my list short and made my decisions clear and firm and I don't allow arguments about them.
I don't pretend that I am a perfect parent. I've made plenty of mistakes and been proven wrong more than I care to mention. However, kids are resilient and as long as you act out of love and concern for you child, no decision can ever really "damage" them. Mistakes get made and the way you handle them shows what kind of character you really have. Whether making rules about dinner time, friends, or toys, being honest and truthful is the best way to show your kids what maturity is all about. That really is the point of parenting, isn't it - to prepare them to stand on their own as mature adults?
Deb "Mother of Daughters" Lollar
P.S. A funny story regarding the banning of things - Apparently, I made the point so strongly against Spongebob that my kids were afraid to watch it even on a waiting room television. I didn't even say anything about it to them.THEY came to ME wondering how to handle it. Eventually, we decided that they could just play quietly with toys with their backs to the television set until our business in the office was done. I do have to say though, the banning of said yellow sponge was as much for my comfort as because of the disgusting nature of the show. Aside from being excessively annoying, I still believe that the show was not created for young children and should not be viewed by them. It should have been stuck with Ren and Stimpy on Adult Swim.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Productive? Me?
Wow! A second post in the same week! What's gotten into me?
I think all the good vibes from making cool stuff over the last few weeks has pushed me into another level of feeling good. I have to be careful, though, because sometimes feeling "good" is actually feeling "manic" and that is, decidedly, NOT good. Sure, it feels AWESOME when my house is clean, my laundry is caught up, my closets are tidied, and I have a home cooked dinners, desserts, and breakfasts every day, but I just don't have enough real energy to keep that up all the time. Usually, when all that stuff happens at once, it is "borrowed" energy. I've got more than I need right then but I get to pay it back over the next several weeks by feeling absolutely wretched and drained. I'd like to avoid that, if at all possible.
Today, I'd like to say that I am in a good mood because I can look around my house and see things I've done to improve the place and I can feel good about it. But, I'm sure it has just as much to do with not having my normal sleeping meds for the last three days. When I don't take them, I don't sleep. I don't mean I toss and turn, or I wake up feeling less-than-refreshed. I mean a literally DON'T sleep. I can crash for maybe two or three hours during the night and then I am wide awake. Staying in bed at that point will just keep up DH. So I get up and try to be productive and quiet at the same time.I get a lot of planning and desk work done at times like this and usually the following days run smoother because of it. This is a very good thing because when I haven't been sleeping at night, things just don't seem to get done as easily. Or at all.
This morning, though, I was suspiciously awake and alert in spite of another sleepless night. After roughly four hours of sleep (achieved in 1 hour naps on and off all night) I was wide awake when the alarm went off so I helped get the younger girls ready for school, for once. Normally, to make up for never being awake in the morning, I try to complete the before-bed routine of laying out clothes and school bags the night before so even if I can't be awake to help, I can at least make it easier for DH to get them ready. Because I can't get up early enough to help, they usually go to school with hair standing all over their heads and mismatched socks. Okay, the socks thing is on purpose 'cause my girls are just funky like that. But the hair... Ugh! They look like street urchins in school uniforms! I'm sure everyone at the school can already tell that Daddy does (or doesn't do) their hair.
This morning, though, the two girls were ready for school early, with hair fixed and teeth brushed and clothes that were actually appropriate for the weather. DH took them to school while I grabbed a shower and got dressed and ready for the day. This is something else that hardly ever happens and when it does, I like to give myself a pat on the back for acting like a grown-up. Usually, I drag around the house in my pj's drinking coffee and poking around on the computer until I HAVE to do something and only THEN do I get dressed. Yes, it wastes a lot of the day (which is why I'm struggling to fix that!) For some reason, I was on a roll this morning. I was able to let DH go back to bed for a few more minutes while I got the teenager up and fed and off to school.
Another reason I was motivated to get going was because I had agreed to watch my little nephew all morning for my sister. He is about four and he has some serious issues over the last two years dealing with severe seizures and Autism as well. Watching him means I have to be on the ball! A lot of people wouldn't feel very comfortable taking care of a little guy like that, but I don't have trouble with agreeing to it. As long as I'm prepared, it isn't all that difficult.Besides, I love that little guy. He's funny and sweet and I have had the extreme joy of getting to spend a lot of time with him recently. I am more familiar with his needs and the way he communicates so that makes taking care of him a lot easier.
Yesterday, though, I watched him for a few hours and it was really, really awful. I was dealing with Day 3 of a migraine (hmmm, 3 days of migraines and three days without sleeping meds... coincidence?) and I was SO sick and in SO much pain. My brain just wasn't connected right and that isn't a good or safe position to be in. The kid was all over the place getting into stuff he's not supposed to have. All three girls were home, and were supposed to be helping me with them but they didn't seem to have any more luck keeping tabs on him than I did. While I wasn't looking he got into food that normally triggers seizures, and I had no clue. Once I found out, I was so angry with myself that I let things get out of control like that and I was DETERMINED that I would not let it happen again. I spent the rest of last night in a dark room with lots of meds not sleeping and praying that the pain would go away and may brain would engage again. .
As I mentioned, by the time the alarm went off this morning, I was in a MUCH better state, in spite of the lack of sleep. Today was actually a breeze. We watched TV, we played with blocks, he made a mess of eating some rice, and then he fell asleep for a heavenly 2 1/2 hour nap. Easy as pie.
I'm sure all this activity will catch up with me sooner or later. I'll probably be passed out in a near-comatose state sometime around dinner. Until then, I am going to ride this energy wave a little longer and see what other good things I can get done before I crash.
Deb
I think all the good vibes from making cool stuff over the last few weeks has pushed me into another level of feeling good. I have to be careful, though, because sometimes feeling "good" is actually feeling "manic" and that is, decidedly, NOT good. Sure, it feels AWESOME when my house is clean, my laundry is caught up, my closets are tidied, and I have a home cooked dinners, desserts, and breakfasts every day, but I just don't have enough real energy to keep that up all the time. Usually, when all that stuff happens at once, it is "borrowed" energy. I've got more than I need right then but I get to pay it back over the next several weeks by feeling absolutely wretched and drained. I'd like to avoid that, if at all possible.
Today, I'd like to say that I am in a good mood because I can look around my house and see things I've done to improve the place and I can feel good about it. But, I'm sure it has just as much to do with not having my normal sleeping meds for the last three days. When I don't take them, I don't sleep. I don't mean I toss and turn, or I wake up feeling less-than-refreshed. I mean a literally DON'T sleep. I can crash for maybe two or three hours during the night and then I am wide awake. Staying in bed at that point will just keep up DH. So I get up and try to be productive and quiet at the same time.I get a lot of planning and desk work done at times like this and usually the following days run smoother because of it. This is a very good thing because when I haven't been sleeping at night, things just don't seem to get done as easily. Or at all.
This morning, though, I was suspiciously awake and alert in spite of another sleepless night. After roughly four hours of sleep (achieved in 1 hour naps on and off all night) I was wide awake when the alarm went off so I helped get the younger girls ready for school, for once. Normally, to make up for never being awake in the morning, I try to complete the before-bed routine of laying out clothes and school bags the night before so even if I can't be awake to help, I can at least make it easier for DH to get them ready. Because I can't get up early enough to help, they usually go to school with hair standing all over their heads and mismatched socks. Okay, the socks thing is on purpose 'cause my girls are just funky like that. But the hair... Ugh! They look like street urchins in school uniforms! I'm sure everyone at the school can already tell that Daddy does (or doesn't do) their hair.
This morning, though, the two girls were ready for school early, with hair fixed and teeth brushed and clothes that were actually appropriate for the weather. DH took them to school while I grabbed a shower and got dressed and ready for the day. This is something else that hardly ever happens and when it does, I like to give myself a pat on the back for acting like a grown-up. Usually, I drag around the house in my pj's drinking coffee and poking around on the computer until I HAVE to do something and only THEN do I get dressed. Yes, it wastes a lot of the day (which is why I'm struggling to fix that!) For some reason, I was on a roll this morning. I was able to let DH go back to bed for a few more minutes while I got the teenager up and fed and off to school.
Another reason I was motivated to get going was because I had agreed to watch my little nephew all morning for my sister. He is about four and he has some serious issues over the last two years dealing with severe seizures and Autism as well. Watching him means I have to be on the ball! A lot of people wouldn't feel very comfortable taking care of a little guy like that, but I don't have trouble with agreeing to it. As long as I'm prepared, it isn't all that difficult.Besides, I love that little guy. He's funny and sweet and I have had the extreme joy of getting to spend a lot of time with him recently. I am more familiar with his needs and the way he communicates so that makes taking care of him a lot easier.
Yesterday, though, I watched him for a few hours and it was really, really awful. I was dealing with Day 3 of a migraine (hmmm, 3 days of migraines and three days without sleeping meds... coincidence?) and I was SO sick and in SO much pain. My brain just wasn't connected right and that isn't a good or safe position to be in. The kid was all over the place getting into stuff he's not supposed to have. All three girls were home, and were supposed to be helping me with them but they didn't seem to have any more luck keeping tabs on him than I did. While I wasn't looking he got into food that normally triggers seizures, and I had no clue. Once I found out, I was so angry with myself that I let things get out of control like that and I was DETERMINED that I would not let it happen again. I spent the rest of last night in a dark room with lots of meds not sleeping and praying that the pain would go away and may brain would engage again. .
As I mentioned, by the time the alarm went off this morning, I was in a MUCH better state, in spite of the lack of sleep. Today was actually a breeze. We watched TV, we played with blocks, he made a mess of eating some rice, and then he fell asleep for a heavenly 2 1/2 hour nap. Easy as pie.
I'm sure all this activity will catch up with me sooner or later. I'll probably be passed out in a near-comatose state sometime around dinner. Until then, I am going to ride this energy wave a little longer and see what other good things I can get done before I crash.
Deb
Monday, January 2, 2012
And life continues
This year all five of us were awake and bouncing around for the New Year. There was a fireworks display somewhere nearby during the last minute of the Old Year. As soon as we heard the booming outside, we all grabbed blankets and stood in our front yard to watch the distant display over the trees. Right at midnight, the finale finished up and we ran inside to see The Ball drop. Actually, by that point, the ball had already dropped, so we rewound the TV program (Yay for DVR's!) and watched it again. That's when we realized we weren't watching the New York celebration at all, but the Las Vegas celebration (better music thank Dick Clark) and they didn't even show The Ball dropping at all. EG was very disappointed because she has ALWAYS wanted to SEE The Ball, but now that she was finally able to stay up late enough, she didn't even get to see it. I had to laugh at that a little. I never knew she was really that concerned about it. My kids always manage to surprise me, every day, every minute.
I have come to terms with New Years' Resolutions, or really the LACK of resolutions. They don't work for me or anyone else (as research has shown again, and again.) I think the way I've been doing things for the last year or so is the way I should keep on doing them. Not that I don't want to make improvements in my life, but that I'm not going to try to make big, bold decisions starting on a specific day. I already know what I should be doing and what I need to stop doing. Making a decision to stop or start is no different than any other day in my life. Every day is a chance to do something right or wrong. Every moment we are given a choice. We can always choose the right or wrong thing. We can always change our paths. If I made poor choices all morning, it isn't too late to make a good choice for lunch. Just because I ate ice cream for dinner yesterday, doesn't mean I can't choose a healthier alternative today. And tomorrow. And every day after that. The year doesn't have to start with good choices and end with bad choices just to start the cycle all over again next year.
Taking one day at a time, I can see where I am and compare it to yesterday, or last week, or last year. I can assess the good and bad use that to make a more informed decision about what choices I should make for myself, my life, and my family.
Last year I weighed the same as I do now. It really sucks that I haven't lost weight, but thank goodness I haven't gained. Actually, over the past year, I HAVE gained, but I managed to lose that much, so I guess it is a net progress there. Over the last year, I have managed to reduce the amount of waste in my family. Financially, we spend less and make better use of what we have as a family. Environmentally, I have learned some great tips and tricks to reuse what I already have instead of throwing away what I don't want and re-purchasing what I think I need. Just in the last few weeks I have re purposed several t-shirts into a kitchen rug, left over yearn scraps into coasters, children's belts into bracelets, and I have several other projects in the works to get more use out of the things I have around the house. Around my house I have been tidying, cleaning, sorting, and organizing the things I have and the things that came with the house. Compared to just three months ago, my house has come a very long way. I have emptied numerous boxes and bins, sorted out cubbies and cabinets, and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I still have a long way to go, but I am proud of the progress we have made as a family.
Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. That is good enough for me.
Deb "Doing Better" Lollar
I have come to terms with New Years' Resolutions, or really the LACK of resolutions. They don't work for me or anyone else (as research has shown again, and again.) I think the way I've been doing things for the last year or so is the way I should keep on doing them. Not that I don't want to make improvements in my life, but that I'm not going to try to make big, bold decisions starting on a specific day. I already know what I should be doing and what I need to stop doing. Making a decision to stop or start is no different than any other day in my life. Every day is a chance to do something right or wrong. Every moment we are given a choice. We can always choose the right or wrong thing. We can always change our paths. If I made poor choices all morning, it isn't too late to make a good choice for lunch. Just because I ate ice cream for dinner yesterday, doesn't mean I can't choose a healthier alternative today. And tomorrow. And every day after that. The year doesn't have to start with good choices and end with bad choices just to start the cycle all over again next year.
Taking one day at a time, I can see where I am and compare it to yesterday, or last week, or last year. I can assess the good and bad use that to make a more informed decision about what choices I should make for myself, my life, and my family.
Last year I weighed the same as I do now. It really sucks that I haven't lost weight, but thank goodness I haven't gained. Actually, over the past year, I HAVE gained, but I managed to lose that much, so I guess it is a net progress there. Over the last year, I have managed to reduce the amount of waste in my family. Financially, we spend less and make better use of what we have as a family. Environmentally, I have learned some great tips and tricks to reuse what I already have instead of throwing away what I don't want and re-purchasing what I think I need. Just in the last few weeks I have re purposed several t-shirts into a kitchen rug, left over yearn scraps into coasters, children's belts into bracelets, and I have several other projects in the works to get more use out of the things I have around the house. Around my house I have been tidying, cleaning, sorting, and organizing the things I have and the things that came with the house. Compared to just three months ago, my house has come a very long way. I have emptied numerous boxes and bins, sorted out cubbies and cabinets, and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I still have a long way to go, but I am proud of the progress we have made as a family.
Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. That is good enough for me.
Deb "Doing Better" Lollar
Monday, December 26, 2011
... And a Happy New YEEEEAAAAAR!
I feel lots better than I did at my last posting. Thanks so very much to those wonderful people who contacted me directly to check up on me. It really does make a difference even if I'm not always able to say so right then. I finally went to the doctor today. 7 straight days of being sick was more than enough, thankyouverymuch. I have gigantic horse-pill sized antibiotics, a little something to help with the aches, and a sore hip from the steroid injection. After just four hours, I'm already feeling better.
I guess I didn't realize just how sick I was. All I knew was that I was miserable and I wasn't 100% sure why. I thought I had kicked the worst part of the cold after just a few days, but I was so wiped out! I literally spent the last 48 hours in bed except for occasional drink and bathroom breaks. I tried to take my temperature, but I couldn't really be sure I was getting a good reading on my old thermometer so I was talking myself out of going to the doctor and berating myself for not being a better mother and wife. I mean, this IS supposed to be the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Why else would I be more interested in sleeping than baking cookies and shopping? It MUST be that I have failed as a human being and had lost ALL my Christmas Spirit.
I can not even describe the relief I felt when I decided to "gift" myself with a brand new, digital, IR, ear canal, 1 second reading thermometer only to find I really WAS running a fever and I DID have a valid reason to feel like crap. Yay! I'm not a bad person and I don't hate Christmas! I'm just sick! Rejoice!
The added benefit of having proof of being sick was that not only could I excuse myself from cooking and participating in the majority of the festivities, but my whole family instantly stepped up and picked up the slack for me. I still feel terrible that I wasn't there to actually BE there over the last few days. However, my heart is supremely warmed at the outpouring of love that my WP, my sister Spike, and her new hubby Walrus showed. They were all guests in MY home, but they helped wrangle kids, clean, cook, and even wrap gifts. Most importantly, they all let me sleep as much as I needed and didn't make me feel guilty about it. I couldn't have asked for a better gift.
Speaking of gifts, I have yet another reason to be overwhelmed with thanksgiving. This year, we were able to handle ALL of our Christmas gifting on our own, without financial help from friends, family, churches. or anonymous donors. It may not have been the largest Christmas, but everyone got at least one thing they REALLY wanted. We were even able to let each of the girls have a budget for gifting to each other (which is really the best part, I think.)
It was only a few years ago that we were gifted with our entire holiday from members of our community. Never have I been more humbled, thankful, and embarrassed all at once. Since then, it has been my goal to never have to be in that situation again. It isn't that I am not grateful. It is exactly the opposite, actually. I am so grateful and they were so generous, I would hate to take that opportunity away from someone else who needs it more. Plus, I feel if I need that type of help more than once, I would be taking advantage and not learning from my own mistakes. Sometimes crazy stuff happens and you need help to make it through. If you don't learn from it and better yourself, then any help that was offered was, frankly, a waste.
In any case, the hole we were in at that time was so deep that it has taken years to pull out of it. Along the way we have had friends and family provide more help than I will ever be able to pay back or even pay forward. We learned where we made mistakes and we have been able to see what could have been done better. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and pride that we are getting back on our feet again. Yes, we still are receiving help in the way of a very reasonable rent that is payable on our pay schedule. But, we have come a long way on our own by taking better care of our responsibilities. Learning how to be a grown-up is tough!
So, I hope each of you is having a wonderful holiday, however you plan to celebrate it.
Be Awesome to each other.
Deb
I guess I didn't realize just how sick I was. All I knew was that I was miserable and I wasn't 100% sure why. I thought I had kicked the worst part of the cold after just a few days, but I was so wiped out! I literally spent the last 48 hours in bed except for occasional drink and bathroom breaks. I tried to take my temperature, but I couldn't really be sure I was getting a good reading on my old thermometer so I was talking myself out of going to the doctor and berating myself for not being a better mother and wife. I mean, this IS supposed to be the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Why else would I be more interested in sleeping than baking cookies and shopping? It MUST be that I have failed as a human being and had lost ALL my Christmas Spirit.
I can not even describe the relief I felt when I decided to "gift" myself with a brand new, digital, IR, ear canal, 1 second reading thermometer only to find I really WAS running a fever and I DID have a valid reason to feel like crap. Yay! I'm not a bad person and I don't hate Christmas! I'm just sick! Rejoice!
The added benefit of having proof of being sick was that not only could I excuse myself from cooking and participating in the majority of the festivities, but my whole family instantly stepped up and picked up the slack for me. I still feel terrible that I wasn't there to actually BE there over the last few days. However, my heart is supremely warmed at the outpouring of love that my WP, my sister Spike, and her new hubby Walrus showed. They were all guests in MY home, but they helped wrangle kids, clean, cook, and even wrap gifts. Most importantly, they all let me sleep as much as I needed and didn't make me feel guilty about it. I couldn't have asked for a better gift.
Speaking of gifts, I have yet another reason to be overwhelmed with thanksgiving. This year, we were able to handle ALL of our Christmas gifting on our own, without financial help from friends, family, churches. or anonymous donors. It may not have been the largest Christmas, but everyone got at least one thing they REALLY wanted. We were even able to let each of the girls have a budget for gifting to each other (which is really the best part, I think.)
It was only a few years ago that we were gifted with our entire holiday from members of our community. Never have I been more humbled, thankful, and embarrassed all at once. Since then, it has been my goal to never have to be in that situation again. It isn't that I am not grateful. It is exactly the opposite, actually. I am so grateful and they were so generous, I would hate to take that opportunity away from someone else who needs it more. Plus, I feel if I need that type of help more than once, I would be taking advantage and not learning from my own mistakes. Sometimes crazy stuff happens and you need help to make it through. If you don't learn from it and better yourself, then any help that was offered was, frankly, a waste.
In any case, the hole we were in at that time was so deep that it has taken years to pull out of it. Along the way we have had friends and family provide more help than I will ever be able to pay back or even pay forward. We learned where we made mistakes and we have been able to see what could have been done better. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and pride that we are getting back on our feet again. Yes, we still are receiving help in the way of a very reasonable rent that is payable on our pay schedule. But, we have come a long way on our own by taking better care of our responsibilities. Learning how to be a grown-up is tough!
So, I hope each of you is having a wonderful holiday, however you plan to celebrate it.
Be Awesome to each other.
Deb
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Secrets
Today as I read Post Secret (like I do every Sunday) I realized that I have so much in common with all these people who wrote secrets, but they aren't secrets to me. I have someone I love so very much that I can tell him all the things that go through my mind. He knows about everything that has happened to me from as far back as I can remember. Every day we talk and I still tell him everything about my day and every thought that goes through my head. Most days I don't need to tell him, he just knows. Somehow, though, the telling makes it better. The happiness is brighter, the fear is quieter, the pain is smaller.
However, there are times, like the past few weeks for instance, that even sharing all this doesn't help enough. I don't know what makes it happen or how to really make it go away. The Grey Monster just creeps up and grabs a hold and I am stuck. Ugly thoughts about regrets, mistakes, broken promises, and destroyed wishes... they all come back again and again. I feel as if I am somehow not as smart as I should be because I can't make this go away.
The worst part is feeling like it is all my fault. If I had just done THIS, or avoided THAT maybe I would be as thin, and wealthy, and successful as I should have been. Every bad decision I've ever made piles up and I can't even breathe. Sometimes I have dreams where I am so angry I wake up screaming and yelling and trying to punch people. Other times my dreams are so very, deeply, impossibly sad that I wake up crying and sobbing. Why on earth does my brain need to fabricate these things? Do I not feel horrible enough during the day that I need to feel worse at night?
I will say that I am sleeping less than I used to. I don't nap nearly as often or for as long. The daily aching pain is much better, although I still have spikes of pain whenever I move around. I only get headaches once every few weeks instead of several every day. I'm able to more easily do the normal things I need to do every day - shower, get dressed, eat, run my errands. I still don't feel "normal." I don't know that I would recognize "normal" if I ever felt it. Above all else, I feel guilty for being so self-centered and focused on my own petty issues instead of on the really big things that I could be doing to help someone else.
So, even though I can tell I have come a long way from where I was, I'm still not better. I am completely different than I ever was before, and I am beginning to accept that. I'm not happy with where I am, though, and I really need to be better. I'm not sure how.
Deb
However, there are times, like the past few weeks for instance, that even sharing all this doesn't help enough. I don't know what makes it happen or how to really make it go away. The Grey Monster just creeps up and grabs a hold and I am stuck. Ugly thoughts about regrets, mistakes, broken promises, and destroyed wishes... they all come back again and again. I feel as if I am somehow not as smart as I should be because I can't make this go away.
The worst part is feeling like it is all my fault. If I had just done THIS, or avoided THAT maybe I would be as thin, and wealthy, and successful as I should have been. Every bad decision I've ever made piles up and I can't even breathe. Sometimes I have dreams where I am so angry I wake up screaming and yelling and trying to punch people. Other times my dreams are so very, deeply, impossibly sad that I wake up crying and sobbing. Why on earth does my brain need to fabricate these things? Do I not feel horrible enough during the day that I need to feel worse at night?
I will say that I am sleeping less than I used to. I don't nap nearly as often or for as long. The daily aching pain is much better, although I still have spikes of pain whenever I move around. I only get headaches once every few weeks instead of several every day. I'm able to more easily do the normal things I need to do every day - shower, get dressed, eat, run my errands. I still don't feel "normal." I don't know that I would recognize "normal" if I ever felt it. Above all else, I feel guilty for being so self-centered and focused on my own petty issues instead of on the really big things that I could be doing to help someone else.
So, even though I can tell I have come a long way from where I was, I'm still not better. I am completely different than I ever was before, and I am beginning to accept that. I'm not happy with where I am, though, and I really need to be better. I'm not sure how.
Deb
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
I have ants in my pants!
Ok, they aren't exactly in the pants I am currently wearing, but they are everywhere else around here so I BET they are probably in some pair of my pants somewhere. This is just the latest surprise we have encountered in the adventure I call, "Moving in to My In-Law's House." I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything like that. My in-laws have been SUPER generous to us in many other ways other than letting us take over their house (for a GREAT price) when they retired and moved. It's just that...well, STRANGE things have been happening since we moved in. Things that no one should have to endure.
You see, there was an earthquake about three hours north of here a few months ago. We did feel the shaking, and some of the aftershocks too. Since then, I've noticed things around the house have CHANGED. Now, every house in this area is known to have foundation issues. It comes with the territory - literally. The entire area was once a mesquite grove and the roots of those tree never go away. They just keep growing and moving and destroying anything built on top of them. Because of that, running from the front door to the back corner there was already a crack in the foundation. It has been that way for several years. Now, however, there is at least one more crack running from nearly the same starting point to the OTHER back corner of the house. And the dining room is tilted enough to give visitors vertigo. And the walls are cracking further. And, apparently, the GINORMOUS ant colony that my house sits on was disturbed. Boy, are they pissed!
In Texas, we battle all sorts of creepy-crawlies on a daily basis. That's just part of life 'round here. Anything that flies will probably bite, and anything with more than four legs will most likely sting. I still don't believe the wild tales of foreigners (from New York) that tell me ants up there don't bite. Really? How do you know they are ants, then? Ants BITE. That's what they do! Red, black, it doesn't matter; if they are in my house they will die because I don't want me or my family to get bitten.
Except now, there are literally TOO MANY too kill at once. My kitchen floor is criss-crossed with little ant armies marching towards the peanut butter. The bathrooms BOTH have little colonies building lakeside resorts by the toilets. I have found them in every single room in my house! After I kill them, I have begun leaving their corpses around as an example to the others. I have sprayed so much Raid that we had to air out the house because we were choking on the fumes. I have tried every home remedy available - DME, Simple Green, Talcum powder, you name it. All it seems to do is invigorate them more as they learn how to overcome and adapt to my new tactics. It seems we have little military badass ants now, that are threatening to invade, conquer, and come up with a little ant way of yelling Oooh Rah! before every attack.
Then, they took my sugar. I am not pleased.
I used the sugar shaker in the kitchen for my first cup of coffee, and when I went back for another cup, it was gone. GONE! I looked in the cabinets and in the pantry with no clue. I even checked the fridge, the freezer, and the skinny little cabinet by the back door where we keep our spices. I was beginning to panic, thinking I somehow threw it away in my pre-caffienated stupor. Without sugar, there can be no more coffee.... and without more coffee.... well, the thought doesn't bear consideration.
So, as I was wandering around the house in a furious craze, I found it - there, in the living room. Now, I know what you are thinking. Surely someone HUMAN moved the sugar shaker and left it on the coffee table. But I assure you that could NOT be possible. After all, I have threatened my children with everything up to and beyond death for bringing ANY sort of food in the living room. They wouldn't have DARED to bring the sugar in there this morning while eating Cream of Wheat and watching TV. No, that just isn't possible. Not after the pleading and begging and threats of starvation and personal bodily harm.
No, I am POSITIVE it was the ants. They moved it there in an attempt to foster dissension in the opposing Army's troops. They knew how angry I would be at LEAVING FOOD IN THE LIVING ROOM, so they made a calculated attack against my psyche in the hopes I would turn my ire against my own children and, in doing so, temporarily forget my war against The Stinging Creatures With Six Legs. You never can trust anything with more legs than yourself. It is just the way of the world down here.
Oh wait... it just might have been the husband, after all....
Screw it. I'm calling the exterminators anyway.
Deb "Aunty not ANTY" Lollar
You see, there was an earthquake about three hours north of here a few months ago. We did feel the shaking, and some of the aftershocks too. Since then, I've noticed things around the house have CHANGED. Now, every house in this area is known to have foundation issues. It comes with the territory - literally. The entire area was once a mesquite grove and the roots of those tree never go away. They just keep growing and moving and destroying anything built on top of them. Because of that, running from the front door to the back corner there was already a crack in the foundation. It has been that way for several years. Now, however, there is at least one more crack running from nearly the same starting point to the OTHER back corner of the house. And the dining room is tilted enough to give visitors vertigo. And the walls are cracking further. And, apparently, the GINORMOUS ant colony that my house sits on was disturbed. Boy, are they pissed!
In Texas, we battle all sorts of creepy-crawlies on a daily basis. That's just part of life 'round here. Anything that flies will probably bite, and anything with more than four legs will most likely sting. I still don't believe the wild tales of foreigners (from New York) that tell me ants up there don't bite. Really? How do you know they are ants, then? Ants BITE. That's what they do! Red, black, it doesn't matter; if they are in my house they will die because I don't want me or my family to get bitten.
Except now, there are literally TOO MANY too kill at once. My kitchen floor is criss-crossed with little ant armies marching towards the peanut butter. The bathrooms BOTH have little colonies building lakeside resorts by the toilets. I have found them in every single room in my house! After I kill them, I have begun leaving their corpses around as an example to the others. I have sprayed so much Raid that we had to air out the house because we were choking on the fumes. I have tried every home remedy available - DME, Simple Green, Talcum powder, you name it. All it seems to do is invigorate them more as they learn how to overcome and adapt to my new tactics. It seems we have little military badass ants now, that are threatening to invade, conquer, and come up with a little ant way of yelling Oooh Rah! before every attack.
Then, they took my sugar. I am not pleased.
I used the sugar shaker in the kitchen for my first cup of coffee, and when I went back for another cup, it was gone. GONE! I looked in the cabinets and in the pantry with no clue. I even checked the fridge, the freezer, and the skinny little cabinet by the back door where we keep our spices. I was beginning to panic, thinking I somehow threw it away in my pre-caffienated stupor. Without sugar, there can be no more coffee.... and without more coffee.... well, the thought doesn't bear consideration.
So, as I was wandering around the house in a furious craze, I found it - there, in the living room. Now, I know what you are thinking. Surely someone HUMAN moved the sugar shaker and left it on the coffee table. But I assure you that could NOT be possible. After all, I have threatened my children with everything up to and beyond death for bringing ANY sort of food in the living room. They wouldn't have DARED to bring the sugar in there this morning while eating Cream of Wheat and watching TV. No, that just isn't possible. Not after the pleading and begging and threats of starvation and personal bodily harm.
No, I am POSITIVE it was the ants. They moved it there in an attempt to foster dissension in the opposing Army's troops. They knew how angry I would be at LEAVING FOOD IN THE LIVING ROOM, so they made a calculated attack against my psyche in the hopes I would turn my ire against my own children and, in doing so, temporarily forget my war against The Stinging Creatures With Six Legs. You never can trust anything with more legs than yourself. It is just the way of the world down here.
Oh wait... it just might have been the husband, after all....
Screw it. I'm calling the exterminators anyway.
Deb "Aunty not ANTY" Lollar
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