A Day in the Life

This week I'm going to try something a little different. I will write a little bit about each day and see what it looks like on Sunday.
So, here we go!

Monday: Worked a full day and still made it through a workout with Dr The Mann. After some Electrical Therapy, readjustments, and stretches I feel like a new woman! Let's hope I can keep up this energy level for the rest of the week. Also, I just realized that I have less than three weeks until my first family vacation in more than six years! I'm am SO stoked to get to see my mom and D in Ohio while DH teaches some older scouts the fine art of roach making.

My smiling face after a good workout. Let's consider this the "before" picture, K?

Tuesday: I thought I was going to get my hair done but plans went awry on all parts. I'm kind of cool with that, though. I am WAY tired. Even after a nearly two hour nap after getting home from work, I was still beat. Energy and motivation level are at ZERO. We finally ate dinner at 9:00 or so because I was too tired and everyone else was too busy watching TV. Gotta love Avatar: The Last Airbender and Legend of Korra. We've been hooked since it started!

Wednesday: Ok, so the fatigue from yesterday was a harbinger for the pain of this morning. FM sucks, but I REFUSE to let it take my entire life away. So, after taking some meds and going back to bed for a few more hours, I made it to work and finished out half a day. It's better than nothing right? Now, to come home and relax in a nice, cool house... uh, why is it so HOT in here? The A/C isn't blowing cold? Crap. Looks like we're screwed until Friday. At least. And maybe after that, too. Now what?
And just when I think I want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head (but I won't because it is too darn hot to do that) in walks EG with a picture she just drew. This girl is amazing. And she made me smile when I really needed it.

See? They look JUST alike! Notice the chainsaw and hardhat...

Thursday: DH managed to work from home and since the a/c guys are family friends they worked us a deal on the a/c repair. Ahhhh. Air conditioning is good. By the time bed time rolls around it is finally down to 82 degrees in the house. It's better than nothing, right?


Friday: The morning starts out with another doctor's appointment. This one is for a rheumatologist/ allergist who is the one who finally diagnosed my FM. I know I've gotten a lot better, but I want to be TOTALLY sure that I am doing everything I can to get better. I ask her to give me another round of allergy testing to determine if there are foods I need to avoid or maybe might be even causing some of my symptoms. The word Celiac has been used cautiously a few times and I want to make sure that wheat isn't one of the foods I need to watch out for. So, the nurse brings in the panel of allergens, gives me a poke with one as a test, and... nothing. 15 minutes goes by and, although the spot is red, it isn't raised enough to really show a reaction. Apparently I've taken some medicine in the last few days that is throwing things off. Now I have to come back in a week to try again. I've got my list of things I have to completely avoid for the next week and it includes things like antihistamines (of course), certain pain medicines (not mine, thankfully), muscle relaxers (including the ones I DO take), and SUDAFED!!! I take this as much as three times a day because regular allergy meds either make me VERY sleepy or they give me (what else?) migraines! So, the Sudafed helps control the sinus inflammation and the resulting headaches. The muscle relaxers help control the daily muscle pain and help me get good sleep at night. Without either of those things, well... let's just say this next week is not going to be very pleasant. If it helps me find out more about why I have been so sick, it will be worth it, though.

After work, I pick up my niece Awesome and nephew PJand head home. We're keeping them for a night so my sister Pookie and her hubby can have a kid free 11th anniversary. In exchange, they will keep all OUR kids for a night NEXT week so that we can have a kid free 13th anniversary. I think it's a marvelous arrangement! On the way home Awesome tells me she has a headache so I make sure the a/c is on and I give her a blanket to cover her face until we get home. Then, while we are discussing the dinner choices (pizza or Braum's) Awesome lets me know that this is actually a really BAD headache by throwing up in the backseat. Thank goodness I had enough time to hand her a plastic bag. Poor thing! I know EXACTLY how she feels and all I want to do is get her home... as soon as I cash my check before the bank closes... and pick up some medication at the pharmacy...and, and, and. In the end it turned out ok because by the time we got home, Awesome's headache was better. But the inside temp of the house was again, 85 degrees. Crap. I guess the a/c wasn't really fixed, was it? At this point we will be paying premium prices for the a/c guy to come out - again - so we decide to try and stick out through the weekend and call on Monday.
Braum's wins for dinner because it is air conditioned, relatively inexpensive, they serve pretty good burgers, and EXCELLENT ice cream. Especially because of the ice cream.


DH and I work like a well rehearsed team getting the kids in and out of the order line, getting the food served, getting everyone drinks and ketchup, and even getting them each a single dip ice cream cone. I'm thinking the evening is going well until we get back home and I remember the life sucking, brain melting heat we have to deal with (remember this is TEXAS in JULY.) We open all the windows, turn on all the fans, and attempt to convince the kids that it IS, indeed, bed time. The nephew sleeps in one room, the teenager is in her room, and the three middle girls are up giggling in their bedroom until waaaaay past midnight. Somehow I manage to get a few hours of sleep myself, although it isn't exactly GOOD sleep.

Saturday: Finally a day of rest! Ok, maybe not... Pookie, her hubby, and their younger two kiddos come over in the morning to pick up Awesome and PJ and Pookie's hubby is going to help DH replace some parts on one of the wheels. This is going to save us a lot of money and it shouldn't take long.... why do they ever say that?!?! It took two more trips to the auto parts store, borrowing tools from a neighbor, and even WP driving down to deliver an air compressor before the day was done and the the wheel STILL wasn't fixed.
Meanwhile, Pookie and I are in the house with SEVEN children trying desperately to get comfortable. By 2:00 we had had enough. I decided to call the a/c guy back no matter WHAT they had to charge us. Thankfully, as I mentioned before, these guys are family friends who just happen to own an a/c repair business. The tech comes by, helps DH change the filter, cleans out the system a bit and things are back up and running. He doesn't even charge us! As the temp slowly drops inside the house my mood slowly improves.
Ok, I think to myself, as long as nothing else goes wrong, I can handle this.
Why do I EVER say that to myself? 

Deb
 
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Join me next week for another installment of our adventures around here!

Sorry for not posting as often as I would like. I actually DID write some posts, but I tend to get a little bit of "writer's remorse" when I try to hit the "publish" button. Was this a good post? Is it funny/truthful/interesting enough? Does anyone else really care?

In any case, I have vowed to write and post once a week from here on out. My plan is to work on my post a little bit throughout the week and have a picture-full and witty something for you guys to read by Sunday evening. No, I don't really believe that either, but if you can't lie to yourself, who CAN you lie to?

So to start off with, I have made it through three whole weeks at my new job. I did have to call in sick one day due to fatigue more than pain. This is a reminder to me that I need to me vigilant about budgeting my energy every day. Rest a bit when I get home. Go to bed on time every night. Don't push too hard to catch up when I feel good because it will only make the crashes longer and more painful

Fine. I get it. Just because I have made progress doesn't mean I am the same "Superwoman" I was six years ago. I am a totally DIFFERENT "Superwoman" now and I need to respect that and use my strengths to the best of my abilities and not beat myself up about the weaknesses.

Two weeks ago, EG was invited to a sleepover by one of her schoolmates who has a pool at their house. Her dad found out it was TD's birthday and he went ahead and invited her over as as well (I think he's crazy, but I'm no less thankful!)

 They had a blast and (of course) got completely sunburned. The first thing I did was pull out all the sunburn stuff (Solarcaine, aloe spray, lotion.) The second thing I did was look on my beloved Pinterest for the tutorial on how to convert t-shirts into halter dresses without sewing so they could have something cool to wear that didn't rub on their burns. It took about 15 minutes per shirt, but all the of the girls LOVE them and I've made half a dozen of them so far. My t-shirt pile is actually getting smaller and the girls are actually wearing them. I'm kind of a proud Momma.

 This past week was especially crazy. I mean, even more than the typical crazy. The kids have been home alone during the week and they have started to get a little bit more lax on taking care of things during the day. Evenings were filled with a little bit more "catching up" than the needed to be. On top of that, poor DH apparently had an ear infection that he didn't know about and that has put him out of commission a bit. Last weekend we attended another pool party for the Native American Drum Group that he sings and drums with.  He decided to dive off the diving board one too many times and his eardrum sort of popped and he's been in a LOT of pain ever since. He did finally go to the doctor and he has some topical ear antibiotics which are helping...slowly. He should be back to normal soon.  I hope.

In spite of him sitting out for most of the day, we all had SO much fun! I've learned to put my fear of water on the back burner and let the kids enjoy themselves. This has a lot to do with the kids each having more confidence of their own. Sending the kids to swim without me there was possibly the best  thing ever. Each of the girls actually ventured into the deep end of the pool for the first time, each with their own version of confidence-inducing tools. LH actually learned how to swim and tread water,  and even how to dive off the diving board. No floaties, goggles, or nose plug. And she did it more than once! THAT'S the girl I've known and loved. The fearless girl who takes off on her own and will stand toe to toe with someone twice her size to protect and champion those who can't.  Not the wimpy little teenager who is afraid of everything. I am SO proud of her! TD and EG haven't become full-fledged swimmers yet, but they had pool noodles and a floatie jacket and their confidence fully intact without my anxieties getting in the way. I think I may go ahead and get that family summer pool pass I have been threatening to get for the last few years.

Once we got home and the swimsuits were put away for the next week, I decided to look at the calendar to plan out the week. OH HOLY BISCUITS! The Lollar Summer Party was in less than a weeks and there was too much left to do! I started making lists for the girls to do while I was at work, and checking in with them several times a day to keep them on task. Of course, there was still TONS to do on Saturday morning before people showed up. Amazingly, everyone pitched in and the house was at least presentable on time. On my trip to the store to get the last few party items, I finally splurged on the hinged baby gate we needed for the office doorway. For once, I wasn't worried about the babies hacking on the computers or swallowing glass beads.

Scott handled the cooking on the grill, everything else was already made and just had to be transferred to serving bowls. The girls invited a few taller friends over early and did the decorating for me. It was low-key but SO much fun. The best part was the incredible cool front that blew in just after all the guests arrived. There was a bout 10 minutes of light rain and then the rest of the afternoon was cool and comfortable. That is completely unheard of for a weekend in July on Texas. I'm not sure who's prayers were answered, but I'm sure thankful for it! Most of the kids were able to play outside all afternoon and I know the grownups enjoyed it too.

The day was absolutely magical. We had about 20 kids and around 15 adults and everyone got along. One of the guests' sons (who is on the higher end of the autistic spectrum) actually played ball with other kids and managed to both catch AND throw the ball! There was a fourteen year old boy drawing with sidewalk chalk with a three year old and loving every minute of it. One little 10 year old Casanova nabbed the phone number and e-mail address of another pre-teen girl. There was a soccer game in the back yard where the older kids each paired up with one of the younger kids so that everyone could play and feel included. I got to see my WP, and two of my sisters, and even my brother in law showed up for the first time in 11 years.

My bestest best friend since jr high made the 45 minute drive with all three of her beautiful kiddos and hubby. I haven't been able to see her or her adorable babies in at least a year and she brought the girls the most adorable matching outfits.  LH got to see some friends from the Little Country Town we used to live in.  EG's very best friend got to hang out for a little while. I don't think anything can compare to a 50 person chorus of "Happy Birthday" to all three of my girls. I just sat down a looked around and felt so peaceful and thankful.

By the time everything wrapped up late last night, my face hurt from smiling and my sides were tired from all the laughing. When I got up and walked around the house this morning, I was infinitely thankful that I broke down and bought paper plates and plastic cups for the day. I think I might have about 15 minutes worth of tidying up to get the house back in order. Actually, it's better than it was before, thanks to the To Do list of things we had been put off for far too long. I have NO cardboard boxes anywhere in my house at all. That alone is enough to give me more peace than I've felt in months. I'll tell you a secret about this whole Summer Party thing. If I host this kind of party every summer, I can be sure that my house will be completely clean at least ONCE a year. Yep. I thrive on crisis cleaning.

I think I'm going to start on a dinner of left over party food and yesterdays' birthday cake. It just may be my favorite part of hosting get-togethers like this.

Deb

Working!

I survived my first 40 hour work week in over two years! Most of what got me through the tough times was the though that starting next week I would start my "regular schedule" of part time hours. At least, that WAS what kept me going until Thursday afternoon when the owner asked me if I wanted to go ahead and work full time for the foreseeable future. Apparently I am doing good work and the project I was given to start will take me more than just a week. So, I told the manager, "Sure! I'd live to work full time!"
Then he walked away and I realized what just came out of my mouth. Crap. What did I get myself into?!?!


My #2 sister, Pookie, is the manager of a small print store front about 20 minutes away from my house. She and I have been talking about how she would need someone to help her part time, once there was enough business to warrant it and that wouldn't happen until at least September. There would be two weeks of training at the larger, busier HQ which is roughly 20 minutes further away then I would be working out of her store. The pay wouldn't be great, but that is fine. Pookie even assured me that she would be totally understanding about time off when I had a headache or a bad day. I had begun to start looking forward to the end of the Summer when I could start slowly back into real life again.

I was PREPARED for part time work starting sometime in the Fall, after school started again. Remember, I had this whole plan made for outings and fun activities to keep my kids happy and occupied all Summer? I even told my nephews and nieces that they could join in the fun, too. When I found that this position was available now instead of two or three months from now, I decided it was too good an opportunity to pass up. Besides, I could still do fun stuff with the kids by working mornings and being home in the afternoons and evening. Working full time kinda puts all that in the trash.  Now what?

I'm certainly NOT complaining, though! I have been out of work for too long to look this gift horse in the mouth. Looking around me, I know that there are so many people who need jobs, I can't be anything but thankful that this has come along. Sure, the timing was not what I was planning on, but I have to remember that I can't always have what I want WHEN I want it. Turning any job down would be foolish. I just need to figure out how to re-juggle things. It is going to be an adventure for me, even if it will slightly less exciting for the kiddos.

The job I am doing is actually sort of cool, in a tailor-made-for-me kind of way. To start off, the filing for the business needs a lot of maintenance. Nothing has been archived for the last six years and I don't think anything has even been put in the file cabinet for at least two. I love tackling a big project and making things neat and tidy! After I get all the filing done, I will be trained on how to handle sales and then eventually how to run the various production machines. Most people would rather endure the Torture of a Thousand Papercuts than organize, file, and archive paperwork all day (although the options are really quite similar.) For me, though, it is not bad at all. My brain seems to handle boring and repetitive tasks very well and filing (for the most part) is not hard on the body.

The environment is pretty cool, too. The staff is family except for a few of us, but everyone is pretty laid back except the owner/sales manager but he's nothing I can't handle. The dress code is jeans and sneakers, which is EXCELLENT for me. Wearing dress clothes and especially dress shoes is downright painful at times! Wearing comfy clothes means I am spending less attention trying to ignore how hot and stuffy I feel and more time to focus on doing a good job. I am doing slightly-above minimum wage work for comparable pay and it suits me just fine. There isn't much stress involved with filing, especially when you know what you are doing and can do it quickly and efficiently.

I don't have much responsibility, but I don't want any just yet. In spite of my years of prior experience, I am an entry level worker. I have been out of work for so long that I have to start all over at Square One. Considering where I was a few years ago, though, Square One isn't that bad a place to be. The fact that I can handle showing up to work everyday - on time - and complete the tasks assigned to me with minimal supervision is actually a big milestone for me. As depressing as it may sound, I am thankful for just making it through each day without screwing up or breaking down. You have to start somewhere, right?


I have come to realize that this condition I have - Fibromyalgia - isn't the only thing in life that defines me. It did however, knock me down - hard. I am looking at this stage of my life as "recovery." Just like the parameters of a depression or a recession can not be defined until situations improve enough that the length and depth of "rock bottom" are recognizable, I have not been able to understand the true shape of my own low until I was able to move past it into a better place. However, "Better" does not mean "best." Having seen the improvement I have made over the last year, especially, I am confident that I will continue on this path of healing for a lot longer. I see a future for me that is full of life instead of pain. I have had to come to grips with the possibility - perhaps even the fact - that my 100% will never be the same as it once was, but my best will surely better than where I am right now.

One of the stepping stones along my path has been to acknowledge that FM has destroyed who I once was. The "old me" is in the past and the shell of who I once was is all that is left. Truly understanding that shell, what it is made of, has taken thought, prayer, and insight. Writing, journaling, and reading about other survivors has helped me define who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. When all else was gone, what did I have left? What was the one thing that told me I was still alive (if barely)? Why am I in this particular place? Did I get here on my own? Did others push me down? Who was there to help me up? In the quiet of my soul what do I feel?

I can now see that this "shell" of me is like the framework for a building built on a solid foundation. Beneath me is the "rock bottom." I can stand on it and know that it will hold me up no matter what else may come. The frame of me is what I know to be true. My experiences have shaped and molded me and made me strong. I know that as I heal and grow, my frame will hold true. With the foundation and framework in place I can begin to build the rest of me again. Every day it becomes easier to look in the mirror and be confident in what I see. I am not yet finished, but I have made enough progress that I can handle being outside in the world again. Inside I am still hollow. Not in a sad and lonely way. I feel open and ready to start filling my heart and soul again.

Deb

Unexpected Results

First of all, I am sorry for waiting almost a month to start writing again. Sometimes my mind is so full of everything, but I don't want to share. Other times, my mind is a desolate as the Siberian tundra and I can't even force a thought to form, let alone transfer it to my fingers.

Anyway, I have had a very busy month and that has something to do with not writing, as well. First, it was the end of the school year and LH had finals to prepare for (although she really didn't DO any preparing.) TD and EG had their own end of the year activities, awards ceremonies, and all manner of things taking up the evenings around here. DH had several weekend events taking him out of town and leaving me to keep the kiddos occupied. On top of that, we had huge bit of schedule changing with all the after school kid watching. I was a bit overwhelmed. Naturally, when I get overwhelmed the Fibro kicks in and I get even less done.

The biggest thing, though, was waiting for LH's heart cath. Since her last open heart surgery 10 years ago, she has to go through another cath every three years or so. It is kind of like a highly invasive check-up. No matter how many times we go through it, I always have some major nervous energy the last few weeks leading up to it. LH hasn't been doing very well energy-wise for the last few months. I was so afraid that the surgeons were going to find something serious during the cath, or that they would decide that a transplant is needed immediately, or that something freakish would happen during the procedure and... well, you get the idea. I worried.

During the cath they actually did do some adjustments to the size of the stents she has and they measured all the pressures inside the heart. Everything seems pretty much the same as it was three years ago. That is good news because it means her health is steady. The "transplant" word has been completely taken off the table at this point and LH came through the cath with flying colors. The color being red, actually. She has an itchy rash long with her clean bill of health. We're not sure what caused the rash, so we'll be going back for a check-up (the non-invasive kind) during the early part of the week. The only hiccup with the recovery was when LH had a hard time shaking off the anesthesia and they kept us overnight for observation. It took a little while, but she finally got the meds out of her system and we were released at 9:00 the next morning.

If that was the most stressful part of the week, I would be doing fine, but no. TD and DH both got some sort of a tummy bug and all weekend plans were cancelled. So far EG and I are the only ones without some sort of affliction at the moment (knock on wood) so we've both had our hands full playing nursemaid.

Now I am looking at the second full week of summer and I have that cold shiver of fear in my soul. Everyone is back on the mend and it appears I will have my nephew Roo to hang out with us during the week. I am humbly asking for prayers because even though I have attempted to make several layers of plans to avert boredom the truth is, I have no idea really what to do with boys. This is going to be fun. In the pull my hair out, try not to break down in front of the kids, good gracious what was I thinking sort of way.

Deb

Bullies

One of my good friends asked a question via Facebook concerning bullying and it got me thinking about all the personal history I have on that subject. Here is what I came up with. 

Some people are naturally appealing to predators. Head down, walking alone, hurrying all the time, nervously hoping not to be picked on. It is like having a huge target on your back. Being "different" and being bullied go hand in hand. It is a mean cycle and I'm not sure which comes first. Maybe you feel different and so people treat you differently. Maybe you get picked on and you are made aware of your differences. It could be a small insult whispered under their breath or it could be something bigger or more public like begin shoved or tripped. No matter what the “attack” is like, it all has the same affect. When you boil it down, bullying is abuse. To make it worse, it is often very public abuse. That makes it all the more difficult to understand why so few others stand up or try to help. 

How do I know about bullying? I lived it. Not just one time. Not just in one place. Not just by one person. I felt like I had been secretly marked. Bigger, meaner people just knew. This was a girl it was ok to pick on. There were plenty of things to choose from. Being a minority (blonde and fair skinned was the minority in my neighborhood,) smaller than my peers, smarter (or at least more eager to share my knowledge,) or less affluent. Those are just a few of the "justified" reasons. I was called plenty more names because of what people assumed about me. Apparently being curvy means sleeping around (despite the opposite.) Being friends with junkies meant (of course) that I was a junkie, too.  Very often, I think I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Usually I didn't have anyone to stick up for me, and I didn't stick up for myself. 

I was bullied a LOT. I don’t want to rehash it all, but here is a sample to make my point.  “Stupid white girl” was something I understood when spoken in Spanish before I was in 2^nd grade. In 4^th grade a bully got tired of the teachers intervening so she simply followed me home after school to beat me up. Even in high school where I had a handful of friends, there were twice as many bullies to remind me that I wasn’t worthy of any of them. One bigoted teacher announced to the entire class that she would be so happy when I finally moved away (assumedly so her class would return to its former non-white status.) Another teacher announced (again to an entire class) that I would be pregnant before I was 16. She was sure of it. My horrible blunder? I dared to hold hands with a boy. Strangers were just as likely to do something as were people I knew. I was babysitting at a rec center when I was surrounded, harassed, and groped by a group of boys who apparently wanted to prove they were “men.” 

 I have been tripped, shoved, cursed at, lied about, harassed, threated, and yes, even beat up. I thank God this happened before the Internet Age, or I’m sure it would have been online as well. Sometimes it only stopped because I moved or changed schools or jobs (yes this has happened to me as an adult.) Occasionally I went to the authorities, but so little was done it didn’t make much difference. When actions were taken on my behalf, it was often done with an attitude that clearly said I needed to toughen up and stop whining. Not always, but more often than not. Even in the workplace, when I was bullied by a coworker, I was written up for leaving the office outside of my break schedule and she was promoted to another department. 

For a long time I acted like the victim I had become. I put up with despicable abuse by “friends” and boyfriends simply because having ANYONE around was better than being alone. Singularity was terrifying.  Being terrified was exhausting. I didn’t understand the way friends were supposed to treat each other, so I’m sure I inadvertently caused a lot of my social isolation. As an adult I had a string of abusive relationships, not understanding why I seemed to attract the same sort of guy. It was the moment I realized I was within inches of being physically beaten when things changed for me. I left, and took the first step towards changing who I was. I managed to find my spine just in the nick of time. I think it causes me to be a little stubborn sometimes, overcompensating for my historical weakness.

Over the years I began to realize that people will be mean (whether or not they are actually a mean person) and if it wasn't to me, it would be to someone else. The problem wasn't with me. It was with the sad, misguided, ignorant fools who thought they could stand on top of someone else to feel taller. Do I feel sorry for bullies? Absolutely not. I pity them and their small minds, or perhaps their narrow minded upbringing.

Just understanding why things happened didn’t fix everything. It only started me down the path that eventually leads to healing. At first, I looked around at the people who seemed to have it together and I acted like them. If I wasn’t “normal” I would at least ACT like it. Then, one day I decided I was tired of feeling different and broken and waiting to be somebody's prey. I found it in my heart to forgive those who pushed me around and abused me. I realized that back when we were kids, no one else around me really knew what was going on, either, and the "bullies" were either acting the way they thought they should, or acting the only way they had ever been taught.

Not everyone comes to this point by themselves and I do understand it isn’t always as easy at it was for me. I was blessed with the knowledge that regardless of the problems with those that choose to single others out for their enjoyment, I can hold my head high, look anyone in the eyes, and know that I AM A GOOD PERSON. I am worthy of love and respect and I have the right to my personal safety. I can choose not to listen. I can walk away. I can tell people in charge if I feel threatened. I can stay in groups instead of standing alone. I can choose to act like a victim or I can be survivor. Anyone (even bullies) can see the difference. You don't screw with a survivor.

It took the threat of serious physical harm to push me out of the cycle of bullying and abuse.  I am eternally grateful for that moment of insight into the future I was walking towards.   It took a while for me to be able to look in the mirror and value what I see. I still don’t like what I see, and I know that is a lingering scar of past.

Short term plans

Last week I did what I should have done three months ago, and I finished the financial budget for my household. Flying by the seat of my pants and waiting for the trouble to come is no way to live. Especially when you hate dealing with financial matters as much as I do. I'm "in charge" of the money around here, and not knowing where we stand is a problem I have had all my adult life. There have been times when I felt physically sick just logging on to the bank website to check our balance (or lack thereof.) Things are much better than they used to be, but I still have that lingering fear that makes me want to do ANYTHING other than balance the accounts. I need to just get over it if I ever want to sleep at night without nightmares of losing everything and ending up on the street with my kids.

Anyway, I crunched the numbers and took the advice of someone very dear to me who ALWAYS has her stuff together. I used to envy people like her for everything they can do. Then, I realized - if I want what she has, I should do what she does. So I asked her - How do you keep everything in check and have such a beautiful home and your pantry is full and everything? It turns out it wasn't magic or some long lost relative giving her a million dollar stipend. The secret to her success was finding an EASY way to keep track of her money and making sure she was always prepared for the bills and emergencies that came up. It was that easy? Really?

Now, I have been trying to do just that for a very long time. My computer is full of programs that will track and categorize your spending for you, some that will download them from your bank site for you, plenty that give you pretty graphs and charts of what you have already spent, and I have even tried online versions so that I can log in from any computer. The problem I always have is that if I get behind, I will have days, or weeks, or even months worth of data to enter, or at the very least verify, before I can be sure the numbers are true. I don't typically have the time or enthusiasm to mess with all of that so I would fall behind, get frustrated, try to start over with something that is supposed to be so much easier... then the cycle repeats.

It occurred to me that I don't actually need a pie graph to know how much I spent in craft supplies over the past five years. If I ever DO need to know, my fancy program isn't likely to have all the information I need. I would still need to go back to my online account record or go through my statements and actually look. It felt like I was duplicating all the work the bank was doing and all I got for it was frustration. So, last week I let myself off the hook. I stopped trying to use separate programs to track and report on my spending and I got back to basics with what I know best. I kept it simple and made and Excel spreadsheet.

It isn't as though I haven't done this a thousand times before, but in the past I had been trying to make an easier version of something I didn't really need by making a complicated version of something I knew well. So, I scrapped the fancy spreadsheet I had been trying to keep up with and made an easy ledger. Each month has its own sheet. No colors and special formats. Just date, business name, deposit, debit, and  running balance. I update it as often as I need to. If I get really far behind, I will just start at the beginning of the new month. I If I lose a receipt, I go online and get the info I need. I check my balance against theirs and make sure the numbers meet. Each month I enter in the new balance at the top, update the formulas to automatically subtract or add each entry, and viola! I have my own tracker that is simple and easy to use. I only added one more column to categorize it, in case I ever want to check where my money goes. Suddenly, things became far less scary. The first step of tracking my money was started.

To budget for the future, I just took my list of bills and entered them in on their due dates with an estimated amount until I have the bill in hand. I still have to go in and update it as the bill comes due, but I can at least get an idea of what the next few weeks will look like. I went ahead and planned out the next few months so I can get a rough idea of what the future will hold and I was really shocked to find out something wonderful.

I'm not as broke, poor, and destitute as I thought I was.

Sure, my OLD budget said we had enough money for everything, but I could never trust it. Not when my actual statements were so far off. Looking at just the In and Out for each month, it actually looks like we will be able to do what we need and still be able to do a little bit of what we want. I can't even express what a relief it was to see this with my own eyes. It is as if the Universe put a comforting hand on my shoulder and said, "Relax. It will be ok."

What this means in real terms is that I don't have to worry quite so much about not having a full time job right now. Sure, if I get a freelance gig I won't turn it down but with summer vacation only a few weeks away, I was really starting to dread leaving the kids alone when I do start working. Now, I know that my kids should be old enough to be at home by themselves if I were to work outside the house. After all, I was younger than all of them when I started staying home alone and I am fairly certain they wouldn't burn the house down or anything. However, they are USED to me being at home. The kind of transition we would all go through would be pretty extreme, and having that happen right as they are left alone all day, every day... well, I just don't see any good coming from that. If it HAD to happen, I am sure we could make it work. If we don't HAVE to, though, I would rather put it off until they were back in school.

Besides, we have SO MUCH scheduled for this summer already. I would have to tell any employer that I would need to take off roughly a third of the time between here and September. What boss is going to be happy with that? On top of that, I don't think I could physically handle the stress of working, worrying about the kids, and trying to get everything done I need to do. Weekly appointments with Dr The Mann? Forget it. Home cooked meals instead of take out? Not a chance. Regular sleep every night? Not going to happen. My body is just starting to become strong enough to handle BEING AWAKE during all the daylight hours. Starting a job right now would be another exercise in futility.

I do know that without another income, the summer months will be tight with five mouths to feed breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. However, I've learned some pretty good tricks about stretching things and shopping wisely, and how much money is saved simply by planning meals and shopping for them weekly. I also have a really good weekly plan I created a few years back that is full of activities, crafts, and even outings that all cost little to nothing. When I used this plan a few years back, the kids had an AWESOME time and they still talk about how much fun it was. We have pictures and crafts still hanging around and they all proudly talk about things that they learned and places they went that year. I'm going to pull it out, dust it off and try to polish it a it to reflect my kids older ages and new interests.

So, my short term plan is to have a fun, loosely structured summer at home with my kiddos. This may be the last summer that they all WANT to hang around with Mom, so I am going to make the most of it. Also, so that I don't go completely crazy myself, I have SCHEDULED IN writing time for myself, no less than three times a week. I'm hoping to post something here on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and if things go well, I will have some really great pictures to show off as well.

I will need lots of prayers to get through it all. I know that the best laid plans never last beyond the first 30 seconds of battle. While I don't anticipate this being an all out war, it will be a bit difficult to keep on task and make sure the kids don't fall over and die (or kill each other) from boredom. I will attempt to post the original schedule in a day or two but, as I said before, I know it will need to be tweaked.
I am asking all of you for any suggestions you have to update my summer schedule with. Anyone who is in the area is welcome to participate in the activities and field trips. Maybe we can have a At Home Summer Group or something. I'm sure I will have at least one of my nephews here most of the time, so any ideas you have that will interest boys and girls who are somewhat geeky will be appreciated.

Deb "At Home" Lollar

P.S. Just to keep all of you informed -
The Most Awesome Spike and her hubby Walrus are visiting for Memorial Day
School lets out around here June 1
Devo's Heart cath is scheduled for June 5
July 25 we will all (hopefully) be taking a week long vacation out of state
At this point, we don't have a date for the Lollar Summer Party but I think it will be sometime in late June or early July.

The To Do List of Guilt

I love my To Do list. A neat row of things to remember, things to take care of, and errands to run. When I get each one done, I cross it off proudly, knowing I am one step closer to having all my ducks in a row. When I have scratched off all the items on my list, I can relax and take a few minutes for me. I reward myself for good behavior and the proof of my work is right in front of me.

No, seeing a clean house and a smelling dinner cooking on the stove aren't reminders enough for me. Half the time I turn around after finishing one chore and the last one is already undone. If I didn't have my list I wouldn't have proof that anything at all had been finished. I know DH comes home some days and wonders what the heck we've all been doing. It wasn't this way an hour ago! I swear! If it weren't for the To Do List I'll bet he would think I'm just acting crazy.

You would think that with all the girls being older now, that things wouldn't be so messy and crazy like they were when they were babies. Not so. The messes are just more sophisticated. When they were toddlers, I knew when they ate and what they ate and if there were things left out afterwards, I knew it was my own fault for not putting it away. Now, I can walk into a room and the remnants of no less than FOUR MEALS will be strewn across the room - the same room that I yelled at them for eating in not two hours before. I am assuming they have the memory of a goldfish and the appetite of a lion. Nothing else can explain this.

Some days I am so busy and I don't end up finishing everything on my To Do List. Heck, there are times I don't even TOUCH my list. It doesn't mean I haven't been productive. I've just been doing the thousand OTHER things that aren't already on my list. But even though I've been busy and I end the day feeling exhausted, I still have this nagging guilt about all the things I HAVEN'T done.

On the surface it sure seems like the lists are the problem. All those unfinished tasks, just sitting there, staring my in the face as a reminder of what I haven't done. It's more than a little depressing. If I've been busy shouldn't I feel proud of my accomplishments? Well, yes. Sure. It doesn't always work that way. The reason I keep the lists around is that there are just some things that are so very important that I must not forget them but no matter how important they are, I WILL forget them without some sort of reminder. I have TONS of reminders.

The calendar is where I keep appointments, pay days, and bill due dates. The dry erase board is where I keep the tasks that I need help with - the bigger things like, "Fix the hole in the fence." It is also where DH keeps the most important five crafts that he is working on. It helps me to know what he is working on so I don't accidentally clean up his mess while he is in the middle of it. The cork boards are where I keep reminders for the girls. I have a morning and evening routine to help them remember what needs to be done so I can do less nagging (supposedly.)


My favorite is the spiral notebook, which is where I keep my ongoing list. As I finish things, I cross them off. As I think of things, I add them on to the bottom. When one page gets so full that I can't tell at a glance what needs to still be done, I flip to the next page, write the new date at the top, and rewrite all the items that still need to be done. In my heart I know I won't get them all done in one day. I constantly have to remind myself that finishing them at once isn't really the goal. Reminding myself that there is something important to do - THAT is the purpose. It kind of gives me purpose too.

Take this week for instance. It is only Tuesday and already it's gone down the toilet. By this time last week, I had already cleaned all the living areas of my house and I was starting on the bedrooms. This week I'm looking around at the scraps of paper on the floor, the half finished cans of grape soda, the shoes strewn throughout the house as though one got up and went exploring without its partner, all the STUFF that got left around during the weekend and I just can't bring myself to even add "tidy living room" to my list.

I know it sounds a bit like a sulky, pouty child. "I already DID this! Why do I have to do it again?" I certainly admit that sulking is a small part of it. But it is only a part. The rest of me is ignoring the scattered disaster on purpose. Really. It is all part of my plan to raise decent children into responsible adults. I'm just sitting quietly for the moment, waiting until the time is right and then I will SPRING on the girls in all my Mommy glory and they will FEAR ME! They will clean this mess up so fast, I will forget there was ever a cereal bowl left on the dining room table!

You see, if I put this stuff on MY list, then I am actively taking the job away from the girls (who made the mess in the first place.) I want them to take care of it, and not just because I'm sick to death of doing it myself. I want them to take responsibility for their own actions, understand that leaving things down will make a mess that SOMEONE has to clean up. Since there is no one in the house name "Someone" they will just have to take care of it themselves. Deep in my heart I know that raising them to be aware of their own messes and conscious of the necessity to take care of it will make them better adults and better able to care for themselves in the future.

Now, actually following through with this is something I am not 100% great at. Most of the time, I do leave the girls' things exactly where they left them and then I go through the Seven Levels of Nagging to get them to put their things away. Or I trip on them and throw them as far as I can out of sheer frustration. Occasionally (okay more than just occasionally) I wait until most everyone is out of the house or otherwise occupied OUT OF MY FACE and I take care of it myself.

That's what happened last week and quite honestly, it will probably happen again today. Doing the dishes and vacuuming are not on my To Do List, but I have a fix for that. I'll do as much as I can without falling over from exhaustion, and then I will add what I have done to my list. So I can cross it off.

Deb