So here I am blogging again. Yay me! I'm wearing regular clothes and sneakers, another point for me. I've finally started on the finishing touches of the purse for LH (why I waited so long to start will be a discussion for a another day.) Also, I've tried sit still and really listen to the kiddos this week when they come home all full of "Guess what happened!" So I'm doing good with my five step program.The best thing this week, though?
I finally lost the first pound of 2014!
Now, the fact that I seem to lose and gain the same 2-3 pounds, makes me a little leery, but I am going to count this as a loss (and not a fluke) because exactly one week ago, the scale read one pound higher than it did today. No, I'm not quite comfortable enough to write what that weight is yet. Besides, its significance only pertains to me. The same number on me is much different than on someone of average height (you know, anyone ABOVE 5 foot tall) or any woman with an average bust size (that would be someone able to use the first three letters of the alphabet when sizing a bra.) I don't want to get into a debate with someone about "You weigh THAT? I would KILL to weigh that! You must be messed up!" I'll just keep my number to myself for now.
Anyway, this one small accomplishment makes me feel really good. I'm purposely taking things slow and only making one or two small changes at a time. I'm trying to build a healthier lifestyle, not fad-diet my way into a skinny body that will be hidden inside a much larger body before 3 months has passed. I know I'm not able to hit the gym. Frankly, I'm not sure if I will EVER be ready for that. Making small dietary changes and pushing myself for a few extra minutes of activity each day is all I can manage right now, so I'm going to be proud of that. Any major changes or extreme energy usage almost always results in a Fibro Flare Up. That is the last thing I need. I've got to go really slow.
Unfortunately, I'm really tired of waiting and being patient. In my head I'm all "Why don't you get out and walk, or maybe even jog." So, I stand up to grab my running shoes and I'm instantly reminded why I haven't gotten out before now. Because it hurts. And also because every time I give in to that voice that says, "Just do it!" I end up stuck in bed and not able to do anything else. At all. I need to exercise my patience as much as my body.
Of course, this is when the Ugly Voice tells me that I'm just being lazy. That I'm in this place because I've been too lazy for too long. That Ugly Voice is a silver-tongued viper, I tell you. Doesn't it seem like the right thing to say? Doesn't that sound like good advice? Why do I let the FM stop me from walking several miles at a time like I used to do? Why do I crawl into bed at the first sign of pain or a headache? Isn't that the very definition of laziness - not doing what I should because it is too hard? Shouldn't I be digging deep within my soul and finding the energy and motivation to just stop being so lazy?
It make sense on the surface, but I'm beginning to see the Ugly Voice for what it is. An Ugly Lie. All the most believable lies have some shred of truth to them. The difference between a lie and the truth can be very subtle. Sometimes it comes down to how this thought makes me feel. Telling myself I'm being lazy... well that's not very nice. When I think thoughts that make me feel guilty, that is the first sign that I need to stop right there. Tough love is good, but it isn't ALWAYS the right choice. Being honest with myself can sometimes BE tough, but it needs to be LOVE first.
I am truly in this place not because I'm lazy. I'm not just making fake excuses so that I can sit down and ignore the world so I don't have to deal with the hassle of it. I don't cancel plans with family and friends, miss work, or sleep all day because I am a bad person. I have a medical condition that prevents me from living life the way I used to and it isn't laziness to make accomodations today so that I can have the energy I need tomorrow.
Does it sound like I'm defending myself and my actions, as if someone is accusing me of crimes?
I'll bet it does. Because I AM. I am defending myself. And the person making these awful statements about what a horrible person, and mother, and wife I am? That's me, too. I am my own worst critic. I see my faults plainly, even when I try to hide them from others. I am much harder on myself than I would ever be to anyone else. That isn't fair, is it?
Some people believe that physical ailments are a product of how we live our lives both physically and spiritually. The idea is that certain actions, thoughts, or habits reflect on your physical being and manifest as aches, pains, or illnesses. For instance, stubbornness and a refusal to see both sides of an issue could be reflected as a stiff or painful neck. This is just one of the interesting articles I found today when looking this stuff up. Here is another good one.
Whether you hold to these beliefs or not, the idea that you can "make" yourself sick is not that far-fetched. If doctors can say that things like headaches and stomach ulcers (just to name a few) are caused by "stress", and that you can improve your health by changing your lifestyle, it just makes sense to separate yourself from negative or "stressful" things and surround yourself with positive things. Beating yourself up and calling yourself names sounds pretty negative to me. Now, I'm not going to say that the last 10 years of pain, fatigue, and depression are caused solely by my own negative thoughts. If fixing this were as easy as just "thinking HAPPY thoughts" then I'm POSITIVE I would have beaten this long before now. (see what I did there?) I do believe, however, that the more negativity we harbor in our minds, the worse our body will feel because of it.
My goal now is not to ignore the negative, but to be mindful of the bigger picture and treat myself the way I would treat someone else that I love. I need to be HONEST and LOVING with myself. That means thinking constantly about WHY I do or do not want to do something and allowing myself the freedom to choose both my actions and my moments of rest. It means being understanding of my limitations while still striving for a more active and fulfilling lifestyle. It means forgiving myself for what I can not do as well as being proud (instead of embarrassed) about the small steps I make towards recovery.
One measly pound sounds pretty minimal compared to all the weight I still have to lose. However, it is a positive milestone for me because it has come out of positive changes in my life. Just like I have been doing for the last week, today I am choosing to eat more veggies than starch or meat and replace 2 cokes each day with iced tea or plain water. I will decide to not hit up the cookie jar (again.) Tomorrow, I will endeavor to make the same smart choices, and keep on making them until I'm so used to those choices that they become normal. Then I will add another change. And another and another.
Here's to sticking with my goals!
Deb "Positively" Lollar
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Still Hanging In There!
As I promised, here is a post exactly one week from my last one. That means I haven't completely failed at every New Years Resolution, yet, anyway.
How am I doing on the the others? Well lets see...
As for #1, to blog once a week? Well here I am so that's good
#2 Be artistic every day. I haven't done this EVERY day, but I have gotten some stuff done. See?
#3 Follow my Daily Routines every day. Mostly that means getting dressed to the shoes every morning and going to bed on time every night. There's more to it, but I can say, I've done really well at this. I've only slept in once and I still got up and got dressed when I woke up instead of sitting in my jammies all day. Score one more for me! I've also gotten a few places around the house decluttered (which is also part of my Routine.) I'll call this one mostly a success.
#4 Lose one pound per week. Hmm. Yeah. That didn't happen this week. I know what I did (that I shouldn't have) and what I should have done (that I didn't) but I'm not giving up. I built flex room into my plan for just this reason. I can do this. Also, here is a selfie to remind myself that I'm still pretty and loveable and I don't need to hide out from the world.
#5 Spend time with one of the kids every day. I didn't actually tell the kids about this part of my plan. I don't want them to think that I'm doing this just because I said I would. In reality, I think all five of these kids are just awesomely cool and I really WANT to hang out with them more. So, let me see... I spent a good amount of time with Monster and The Boy while driving them around on Saturday. That was pretty nice. Little Heart and I had a very serious, hour-long discussion about how she feels put upon and not respected and how life is not fair. She didn't really like what I had to say in reply to that, but I didn't say I was going to spend ONLY happy time with the kids, so it still counts. For Tiny Dancer and Evil Genius, it was more about making the most of a few moments here and there throughout the day. I'll do better with this next week, I'm sure.
After proper analyzing, I think I have done pretty well so far.
Other than sticking to my Resolutions, I've been pretty busy. Since December, I've worked every shift I've been scheduled for, without calling in sick. I'm only scheduled for three, half days a week, but I've made it every single time and even worked extra shifts on my days off. Even better, I have been ON TIME for every shift except for one. This is a really big deal because I was *this* close to losing it all in the middle of December. It was really a big misunderstanding but my history of being late and frequently missing work was not in my favor. I'm just glad that my boss is as understanding as he is. It also helped a little that when I DO work, I work well. I like what I do and I'm good at it. Even on my off days when I can't really think straight, I'm still able to hold my own. For the first time in 10 years, it looks like I will make it to my one year anniversary at the same company. February 11. It's on my calendar. It's a big deal.
The next few weeks are going to be very interesting. Sunday is a Scout banquet that I'll be attending with DH. Y'all know I'm not a huge fan of the BSA, but I AM a big fan of my husband. I mean look at him? How can you NOT love, support, and cherish this guy?
I'll support him because I love him and because Scouts has been a major part of his life since he was born. He does a lot of good for a lot of boys and I'm proud of him for it. Also, I'm rather pleased that BSA has made some very big steps towards being an inclusive organization. Allowing openly gay boys into the organization is a HUGE policy change that went into affect on January 1, 2014. It's something I've been waiting to see for a long time and I can't complain about it one bit. Ok, I can complain that they didn't make bigger changes, like lifting the ban on gay adults, too, but I feel it is only a matter of time before they do. Once they see that being gay is no big deal and it doesn't threaten anyone or anything, I feel that the leaders of this organization will see that this policy is just dumb. That's a very simple way to put it, but I'm sure you understand what I mean. It's in their best interest to lift the ban anyway, it will just take time for the leadership to change course on such a big ship.
The weekend after this is going to be HUGE. Little Heart will be crowned Princess of the TIHA organization.
So yes, technically she will become an Indian Princess. Of course, I'm bursting with pride over this. Looking at her now, at 16 years old, and remembering that we never really knew if she would ever leave the hospital... it can be overwhelming. For the next year we will go to as many Pow Wows as we can and she will wear her crown and sash and represent TIHA. More than that, she says she wants to use this opportunity to help raise awareness for CHD's and heart health. It's going to be a long year filled with a lot of hard work, but I'm looking forward to all of it. We have the support of the organization to help us out, as well as the assistance of dozens of other friends and family. As the events are scheduled, I'll keep y'all posted as to where we will be and when. These events are always open to the public and if you let me know you will be there, I'll be sure to save you a chair.
Here's the flyer for this Pow Wow, in case any of y'all can make it. The dance will only be on Saturday night and the location is about 2 hours from home, for us. We will drive down that morning and drive back that night, so no hotel this time. If anyone wants to caravan or carpool, be sure to let me know!
That's all for this week. Everyone keep warm and safe. Keep an eye on your neighbors, especially the elderly. We don't want to lose anyone to the cold weather!
Deb "Shivers" Lollar
Feel free to Like, Comment, and Share!
How am I doing on the the others? Well lets see...
As for #1, to blog once a week? Well here I am so that's good
#2 Be artistic every day. I haven't done this EVERY day, but I have gotten some stuff done. See?
#3 Follow my Daily Routines every day. Mostly that means getting dressed to the shoes every morning and going to bed on time every night. There's more to it, but I can say, I've done really well at this. I've only slept in once and I still got up and got dressed when I woke up instead of sitting in my jammies all day. Score one more for me! I've also gotten a few places around the house decluttered (which is also part of my Routine.) I'll call this one mostly a success.
#4 Lose one pound per week. Hmm. Yeah. That didn't happen this week. I know what I did (that I shouldn't have) and what I should have done (that I didn't) but I'm not giving up. I built flex room into my plan for just this reason. I can do this. Also, here is a selfie to remind myself that I'm still pretty and loveable and I don't need to hide out from the world.
#5 Spend time with one of the kids every day. I didn't actually tell the kids about this part of my plan. I don't want them to think that I'm doing this just because I said I would. In reality, I think all five of these kids are just awesomely cool and I really WANT to hang out with them more. So, let me see... I spent a good amount of time with Monster and The Boy while driving them around on Saturday. That was pretty nice. Little Heart and I had a very serious, hour-long discussion about how she feels put upon and not respected and how life is not fair. She didn't really like what I had to say in reply to that, but I didn't say I was going to spend ONLY happy time with the kids, so it still counts. For Tiny Dancer and Evil Genius, it was more about making the most of a few moments here and there throughout the day. I'll do better with this next week, I'm sure.
After proper analyzing, I think I have done pretty well so far.
Other than sticking to my Resolutions, I've been pretty busy. Since December, I've worked every shift I've been scheduled for, without calling in sick. I'm only scheduled for three, half days a week, but I've made it every single time and even worked extra shifts on my days off. Even better, I have been ON TIME for every shift except for one. This is a really big deal because I was *this* close to losing it all in the middle of December. It was really a big misunderstanding but my history of being late and frequently missing work was not in my favor. I'm just glad that my boss is as understanding as he is. It also helped a little that when I DO work, I work well. I like what I do and I'm good at it. Even on my off days when I can't really think straight, I'm still able to hold my own. For the first time in 10 years, it looks like I will make it to my one year anniversary at the same company. February 11. It's on my calendar. It's a big deal.
The next few weeks are going to be very interesting. Sunday is a Scout banquet that I'll be attending with DH. Y'all know I'm not a huge fan of the BSA, but I AM a big fan of my husband. I mean look at him? How can you NOT love, support, and cherish this guy?
I'll support him because I love him and because Scouts has been a major part of his life since he was born. He does a lot of good for a lot of boys and I'm proud of him for it. Also, I'm rather pleased that BSA has made some very big steps towards being an inclusive organization. Allowing openly gay boys into the organization is a HUGE policy change that went into affect on January 1, 2014. It's something I've been waiting to see for a long time and I can't complain about it one bit. Ok, I can complain that they didn't make bigger changes, like lifting the ban on gay adults, too, but I feel it is only a matter of time before they do. Once they see that being gay is no big deal and it doesn't threaten anyone or anything, I feel that the leaders of this organization will see that this policy is just dumb. That's a very simple way to put it, but I'm sure you understand what I mean. It's in their best interest to lift the ban anyway, it will just take time for the leadership to change course on such a big ship.
The weekend after this is going to be HUGE. Little Heart will be crowned Princess of the TIHA organization.
So yes, technically she will become an Indian Princess. Of course, I'm bursting with pride over this. Looking at her now, at 16 years old, and remembering that we never really knew if she would ever leave the hospital... it can be overwhelming. For the next year we will go to as many Pow Wows as we can and she will wear her crown and sash and represent TIHA. More than that, she says she wants to use this opportunity to help raise awareness for CHD's and heart health. It's going to be a long year filled with a lot of hard work, but I'm looking forward to all of it. We have the support of the organization to help us out, as well as the assistance of dozens of other friends and family. As the events are scheduled, I'll keep y'all posted as to where we will be and when. These events are always open to the public and if you let me know you will be there, I'll be sure to save you a chair.
Here's the flyer for this Pow Wow, in case any of y'all can make it. The dance will only be on Saturday night and the location is about 2 hours from home, for us. We will drive down that morning and drive back that night, so no hotel this time. If anyone wants to caravan or carpool, be sure to let me know!
That's all for this week. Everyone keep warm and safe. Keep an eye on your neighbors, especially the elderly. We don't want to lose anyone to the cold weather!
Deb "Shivers" Lollar
Feel free to Like, Comment, and Share!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Happy New Year! It's 2014
Normally, I don't do New Year's resolutions, but I think I need to this year. There are some things I need to change and I want to put myself in a frame of mind to make those changes. I know that I don't have a whole ton of readers, but maybe if I post these here there will be some sort of accountability? Who knows!
1. I want to write once a week for other people to read. I already write every day, but if I want to ever get paid for it, I should work on being more consistent and practice putting it out for people to read more often. Along with this goal goes improvements on my blog appearance and adding in cool links and features. If I work on this a little bit every day - say 15 minutes a day - I can get into the habit of being on the blog regularly and writing with an audience in mind. Truthfully, I'd like to see if I can get more readers so I can get more feedback and get better at writing in general.
2. I want to work on something artistic every day. When I say something artistic, I mean using one of the many crafting skills I have. There is a large list of items that are needed and requested this year and if I don't make myself sit down and do them every day, they simply won't get done. I've got bead work promised to people, buckets of yarn just waiting to be crocheted into something, even more buckets of fabric that have been set aside for projects and never used, and hours each and every day that are currently unspoken for. I need to be more productive and I want to see results of my productivity. Hm, maybe posting pictures of my work would be good for me and the blog, too?
3. I want to follow my normal Daily Routines every day, even when I don't feel like it. This one is going to be hard. When I hurt, or when the fatigue feels insurmountable, or when I feel like I've been kicked in the gut by the Grey Monster, I tend to curl up in bed and pray for things to pass. Except that doesn't really help. Getting up and taking a shower and getting dressed in real clothes and moving around; these things DO help. If I don't want to be in the same physical state a year from now, I have to make myself do what I don't want to do. And I have to do it every day. Which brings me to my next goal.
4. I want to be get better shape. To define "better", I want to hit my goal weight by the end of the year. I know that weight loss itself isn't the goal, it's a healthier body. However, if I do the things I need to lose the extra weight, I will enjoy the many benefits of better health. If I lose just ONE pound per week, I will reach my goal by this time next year. One pound a week isn't all that crazy, is it? And since there are more weeks in the year than pounds I need to lose, I have some flex time in there to slide and still make my goal. I'm not going to say HOW I will accomplish this goal. I think I will just take things week by week and see what I can do as it happens. On the weeks I hurt more it makes more sense to take it easy and count calories more strictly. When I hurt less and have more energy, adding in light exercise or a longer walk will be a good option. I should probably add that I need to allow more (say, monthly) pictures to be taken of me so I can keep better track of my progress.
5. I want to spend more alone time with each of the kiddos. Since "more" and "time" aren't easily defined, I will say this: Every day I will spend 30 minutes focused one child and I will spend the time with a different kid each day. This will be easier with some kids than others, I know. However, the way these kids are growing up, I want to be able to stay connected and strengthen the connections I already have. Every single one of these kids is an awesome little person who I love to hang out with. If it makes us both happy, I should definitely be doing more of it.
So there you have - the five ways I want to change the rest of my life, starting this year.
What do you think? Are New Years Resolutions an important part of your January, or are they destined to fail simply by their nature. Let me know in the comments and feel free to share my blog if you feel like it.
Deb "Positive" Lollar
1. I want to write once a week for other people to read. I already write every day, but if I want to ever get paid for it, I should work on being more consistent and practice putting it out for people to read more often. Along with this goal goes improvements on my blog appearance and adding in cool links and features. If I work on this a little bit every day - say 15 minutes a day - I can get into the habit of being on the blog regularly and writing with an audience in mind. Truthfully, I'd like to see if I can get more readers so I can get more feedback and get better at writing in general.
2. I want to work on something artistic every day. When I say something artistic, I mean using one of the many crafting skills I have. There is a large list of items that are needed and requested this year and if I don't make myself sit down and do them every day, they simply won't get done. I've got bead work promised to people, buckets of yarn just waiting to be crocheted into something, even more buckets of fabric that have been set aside for projects and never used, and hours each and every day that are currently unspoken for. I need to be more productive and I want to see results of my productivity. Hm, maybe posting pictures of my work would be good for me and the blog, too?
3. I want to follow my normal Daily Routines every day, even when I don't feel like it. This one is going to be hard. When I hurt, or when the fatigue feels insurmountable, or when I feel like I've been kicked in the gut by the Grey Monster, I tend to curl up in bed and pray for things to pass. Except that doesn't really help. Getting up and taking a shower and getting dressed in real clothes and moving around; these things DO help. If I don't want to be in the same physical state a year from now, I have to make myself do what I don't want to do. And I have to do it every day. Which brings me to my next goal.
4. I want to be get better shape. To define "better", I want to hit my goal weight by the end of the year. I know that weight loss itself isn't the goal, it's a healthier body. However, if I do the things I need to lose the extra weight, I will enjoy the many benefits of better health. If I lose just ONE pound per week, I will reach my goal by this time next year. One pound a week isn't all that crazy, is it? And since there are more weeks in the year than pounds I need to lose, I have some flex time in there to slide and still make my goal. I'm not going to say HOW I will accomplish this goal. I think I will just take things week by week and see what I can do as it happens. On the weeks I hurt more it makes more sense to take it easy and count calories more strictly. When I hurt less and have more energy, adding in light exercise or a longer walk will be a good option. I should probably add that I need to allow more (say, monthly) pictures to be taken of me so I can keep better track of my progress.
5. I want to spend more alone time with each of the kiddos. Since "more" and "time" aren't easily defined, I will say this: Every day I will spend 30 minutes focused one child and I will spend the time with a different kid each day. This will be easier with some kids than others, I know. However, the way these kids are growing up, I want to be able to stay connected and strengthen the connections I already have. Every single one of these kids is an awesome little person who I love to hang out with. If it makes us both happy, I should definitely be doing more of it.
So there you have - the five ways I want to change the rest of my life, starting this year.
What do you think? Are New Years Resolutions an important part of your January, or are they destined to fail simply by their nature. Let me know in the comments and feel free to share my blog if you feel like it.
Deb "Positive" Lollar
Friday, August 9, 2013
Things I learned about life from Candy Crush
Ah, yes. The latest internet addiction - Candy Crush. I normally skip right over these sorts of things. I never even looked at Farmville or Mafia Life or any of those games. Who wants to be tethered to a computer all day just to reap imaginary rewards? The amount of money people were spending on those style games seemed completely wasteful. Definitely not my cup of tea.
However, Candy Crush seemed a bit different. First, you don't have to pay to play (or win.) Second, the games are based on a combination of luck and skill instead of begging for horseshoes and waiting for crops to grow. Third, you have a limited number of tries before you HAVE to walk away, so you're guaranteed not to waste TOO much time on it. Now I'm addicted like the rest of Facebooklandia.
In my defense, I found in-browser games YEARS ago. I got hooked on Bejeweled from Pop Cap way before it was "a thing." I could easily spend hours flipping gems and it still has as much appeal to me as it ever did. Since Candy Crush is the same style game, I liked it from the outset. Having specific goals for each level and needing to figure out the solution for each puzzle was what got me hooked. I've been so enthralled that I haven't even written for the public in almost two months. Since I got my smart phone in March, I find I hardly ever put it down and that has drastically reduced the time I spend in front of my "real" keyboard.
So, in an effort to curb my "sweet tooth", I will combine both my current faves.
Sitting there this afternoon (I was out of lives for the next 30 minutes) I started to wax poetic, if you will. I started to see Candy Crush as a kind of metaphor for life. Silly? Maybe. But hear me out.
Candy is the sweet stuff that life is made of. You have to put your things in a tidy row to take care of them. Bombs can represent emergencies that have to be dealt with RIGHT NOW. Chocolate, Licorice, and Multi-level Jellies are the tough parts of life that we have to deal with, even when we don't want to. See what I mean? Candy Crush is DEEP, man. Besides, studies have proven that logic games are healthy for your mind. So I'm actually doing something GOOD for myself, right?
Or, maybe I'm only trying to justify this relentless habit. Maybe.
Things I learned about Life from Candy Crush.
1. Chocolate is never the fix. It only creates more problems.
2. There is always a solution to the puzzle. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to find it.
3. It's ok to ask for help from your friends.
4. A little competition never hurt anyone.
5. Sometimes you just need an extra tool to take care of roadblocks in the way.
6. When you combine two really great things, you get and EVEN BETTER thing!
7. Perseverance and patience are the keys to success.
8. Keep an eye on the time. Lose track of the clock and you will lose the game.
9. Always make sure that every move you make is helping to support your end goal.
10. You can't control whether bombs and road blocks cross your path. You just have to make sure to deal with them in a timely manner, before they blow up in your face.
11. You have to look at the big picture. By focusing on just one area, you not only miss opportunities for big scores but you also miss taking care of problems before its too late.
having said all that, I feel I have to add one more thing:
Playing a simple and fun game is a great way to blow off steam and take a mental break. However, when things get really stressful, it is important to put the puzzle away. If it isn't fun anymore, don't do it. Furthermore, a simple game (or hobby) should not soak up more of your time than your work or family. If you have to tell your loved ones to "hold on a minute" because you want to play instead of helping them out, you need to put it down and walk away.
So there you have it - philosophy, Candy Crush style. Now, if you'll excuse me... I have five lives to spend.
Deb "Sweet Tooth" Lollar
P.S. Feel free to forward or share this post! If you like it, let me know in the comments.
However, Candy Crush seemed a bit different. First, you don't have to pay to play (or win.) Second, the games are based on a combination of luck and skill instead of begging for horseshoes and waiting for crops to grow. Third, you have a limited number of tries before you HAVE to walk away, so you're guaranteed not to waste TOO much time on it. Now I'm addicted like the rest of Facebooklandia.
In my defense, I found in-browser games YEARS ago. I got hooked on Bejeweled from Pop Cap way before it was "a thing." I could easily spend hours flipping gems and it still has as much appeal to me as it ever did. Since Candy Crush is the same style game, I liked it from the outset. Having specific goals for each level and needing to figure out the solution for each puzzle was what got me hooked. I've been so enthralled that I haven't even written for the public in almost two months. Since I got my smart phone in March, I find I hardly ever put it down and that has drastically reduced the time I spend in front of my "real" keyboard.
So, in an effort to curb my "sweet tooth", I will combine both my current faves.
Sitting there this afternoon (I was out of lives for the next 30 minutes) I started to wax poetic, if you will. I started to see Candy Crush as a kind of metaphor for life. Silly? Maybe. But hear me out.
Candy is the sweet stuff that life is made of. You have to put your things in a tidy row to take care of them. Bombs can represent emergencies that have to be dealt with RIGHT NOW. Chocolate, Licorice, and Multi-level Jellies are the tough parts of life that we have to deal with, even when we don't want to. See what I mean? Candy Crush is DEEP, man. Besides, studies have proven that logic games are healthy for your mind. So I'm actually doing something GOOD for myself, right?
Or, maybe I'm only trying to justify this relentless habit. Maybe.
Things I learned about Life from Candy Crush.
1. Chocolate is never the fix. It only creates more problems.
2. There is always a solution to the puzzle. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to find it.
3. It's ok to ask for help from your friends.
4. A little competition never hurt anyone.
5. Sometimes you just need an extra tool to take care of roadblocks in the way.
6. When you combine two really great things, you get and EVEN BETTER thing!
7. Perseverance and patience are the keys to success.
8. Keep an eye on the time. Lose track of the clock and you will lose the game.
9. Always make sure that every move you make is helping to support your end goal.
10. You can't control whether bombs and road blocks cross your path. You just have to make sure to deal with them in a timely manner, before they blow up in your face.
11. You have to look at the big picture. By focusing on just one area, you not only miss opportunities for big scores but you also miss taking care of problems before its too late.
having said all that, I feel I have to add one more thing:
Playing a simple and fun game is a great way to blow off steam and take a mental break. However, when things get really stressful, it is important to put the puzzle away. If it isn't fun anymore, don't do it. Furthermore, a simple game (or hobby) should not soak up more of your time than your work or family. If you have to tell your loved ones to "hold on a minute" because you want to play instead of helping them out, you need to put it down and walk away.
So there you have it - philosophy, Candy Crush style. Now, if you'll excuse me... I have five lives to spend.
Deb "Sweet Tooth" Lollar
P.S. Feel free to forward or share this post! If you like it, let me know in the comments.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Long Time, No Write...
So it's been months since I wrote last. I'm still here, alive and all. I've just had some things to work through.
Sometimes my head gets so full that writing doesn't seem enough, I just have to DO.
Since my birthday at the beginning of March, I've been trying to work in a different direction. I haven't exactly told people around me, "Hey, I'm trying this new thing. What do you think?" but I think the family has noticed. A lot of the changes are subtle. Things only I would recognize as a change. Things like making myself get in the shower instead of sitting around in the same pj's I wore last night and have been wearing all day. Wearing shoes - even flip flops - all day because for some reason being barefoot makes me feel lazy. (Thank you FLYLady!) Walking through the house and picking up at least one thing that is out of place every single time. Fighting back the voices in my head that tell me "It's not making a difference. Why bother?"
Over the last few weeks, especially, I've been working on small crafting projects, like beaded lanyards and needle cases. These little things take a few hours to make and at the end, I have a finished piece that is actually useful. The result has been amazing. Not that I believe my work is awe-inspiring, but the affect of creating something specifically for someone else has made a very big difference in my mind. Being not just productive, but constructive has been a kind of therapy for me. In the tradition I was taught, when you make something for someone else, more goes into it than just the pieces you are putting together. It is proper to think good thoughts about the person receiving it while you are making it so the person who receives it will have good thoughts whenever they see it, use it, or wear it. Thinking good thoughts is always a good thing.
Also, I've been working very hard to connect more with the people in the house - listen when they talk. Speak to them directly. Ask them open ended questions. Be patient. I'll be quite honest when I say this has been a very big challenge for me. My three daughters are awesome, and even as we enter the teenage and pre-teen years, they are constantly astounding me with their depth of kindness, grace, and beauty. I feel the same way about my niece and nephew who have been here for almost a year. The truth is, I love them every bit as much as I love my kids if for no other reason than because they are family. But they are really amazing kids other than that. My problem is I just don't know how to tell them that.
They aren't like my girls. At all. Where Little Heart, Tiny Dancer, and Evil Genius are talkative and boisterous, Monster and The Boy are introverted and rather anti-social. They don't like being in public, especially noisy or crowded places. My kids love going out to restaurants, festivals, parades, picnics, and of course, pow wows. The other two always stay home, by their own choice. My girls have been busy this summer already with parties, cheer camp, dance class, and just hanging out with friends. Their cousins don't have a list of friends that they hang out with. They never leave their rooms unless specifically requested and I couldn't tell you any of the things they are interested in unless I ask direct questions about what they are doing at that very moment. My girls are always all over the house, doing something here, doing something different over there (leaving a trail of mess as they go) and they are free about letting me know whatever they are thinking about. The hardest part about having their cousins here has been trying to understand these two so that DH and I know what they need. They don't communicate the way my kids do and I don't know how to communicate with them in their way.
The hardest thing for me personally, though, is that the cousins are not physically demonstrative and hugging them always makes me feel like they feel awkward about it. That part is truly heart breaking to me. I'm a hugger, I guess. I hug my kids, my family, and my friends freely. I like to snuggle on the couch. I love that my girls want to come up and give me lingering hugs where they just lean into me for lengthy minutes until they have their fix and are happy to trip on off to whatever they were doing before. How on earth can you show someone how much you love them if you can't give them a big squeezy hug? It literally brings tears to my eyes to think about how much I love those two kids and how hopeless I am at showing it.
It's that kind of hopelessness that has been standing in the way of me writing for other people to read lately. I am not a Super Woman, but I have always tried to be the best Mom I can be. With Monster and The Boy, I may not be THEIR mother, but I am A mother and I am in charge of them right now. Why shouldn't I give them everything I would give my daughters. The fact that I have not figured out how, is making me just plain depressed. These two kids are the polar opposites of my three girls because they have been raised that way and I just don't know how to bridge that gap.
Deep in my heart I KNOW that every child - every person - deserves to be loved, and to be shown that love. I feel that I am not giving these precious kids everything they need and that makes me feel... I guess inadequate. I feel like a failure because I don't have a way to reach out to these two. I haven't wanted to write because I usually try to touch on a little about everyone in the family but I don't have much to say about them because we don't interact the same way. I would really feel awful to keep writing all this awesome stuff about my daughters and then just sort of leave Monster and The Boy out of it.
At this point, I know I need to stop thinking about ME and what I want for them. I guess I have to decipher what they need and want even if it is completely foreign to me. I'm not sure I could try any harder to figure them out, but I will still give it a shot. There has to be something I haven't tried. Some angle I haven't seen this from. Who knows? Maybe I should stop trying?
Nope. Not that. I refuse to allow the time those two spend here to be devoid of love and affection. I will never stop trying to show how I feel. I'll just need to figure out a different way to do it.
Deb
Sometimes my head gets so full that writing doesn't seem enough, I just have to DO.
Since my birthday at the beginning of March, I've been trying to work in a different direction. I haven't exactly told people around me, "Hey, I'm trying this new thing. What do you think?" but I think the family has noticed. A lot of the changes are subtle. Things only I would recognize as a change. Things like making myself get in the shower instead of sitting around in the same pj's I wore last night and have been wearing all day. Wearing shoes - even flip flops - all day because for some reason being barefoot makes me feel lazy. (Thank you FLYLady!) Walking through the house and picking up at least one thing that is out of place every single time. Fighting back the voices in my head that tell me "It's not making a difference. Why bother?"
Over the last few weeks, especially, I've been working on small crafting projects, like beaded lanyards and needle cases. These little things take a few hours to make and at the end, I have a finished piece that is actually useful. The result has been amazing. Not that I believe my work is awe-inspiring, but the affect of creating something specifically for someone else has made a very big difference in my mind. Being not just productive, but constructive has been a kind of therapy for me. In the tradition I was taught, when you make something for someone else, more goes into it than just the pieces you are putting together. It is proper to think good thoughts about the person receiving it while you are making it so the person who receives it will have good thoughts whenever they see it, use it, or wear it. Thinking good thoughts is always a good thing.
Also, I've been working very hard to connect more with the people in the house - listen when they talk. Speak to them directly. Ask them open ended questions. Be patient. I'll be quite honest when I say this has been a very big challenge for me. My three daughters are awesome, and even as we enter the teenage and pre-teen years, they are constantly astounding me with their depth of kindness, grace, and beauty. I feel the same way about my niece and nephew who have been here for almost a year. The truth is, I love them every bit as much as I love my kids if for no other reason than because they are family. But they are really amazing kids other than that. My problem is I just don't know how to tell them that.
They aren't like my girls. At all. Where Little Heart, Tiny Dancer, and Evil Genius are talkative and boisterous, Monster and The Boy are introverted and rather anti-social. They don't like being in public, especially noisy or crowded places. My kids love going out to restaurants, festivals, parades, picnics, and of course, pow wows. The other two always stay home, by their own choice. My girls have been busy this summer already with parties, cheer camp, dance class, and just hanging out with friends. Their cousins don't have a list of friends that they hang out with. They never leave their rooms unless specifically requested and I couldn't tell you any of the things they are interested in unless I ask direct questions about what they are doing at that very moment. My girls are always all over the house, doing something here, doing something different over there (leaving a trail of mess as they go) and they are free about letting me know whatever they are thinking about. The hardest part about having their cousins here has been trying to understand these two so that DH and I know what they need. They don't communicate the way my kids do and I don't know how to communicate with them in their way.
The hardest thing for me personally, though, is that the cousins are not physically demonstrative and hugging them always makes me feel like they feel awkward about it. That part is truly heart breaking to me. I'm a hugger, I guess. I hug my kids, my family, and my friends freely. I like to snuggle on the couch. I love that my girls want to come up and give me lingering hugs where they just lean into me for lengthy minutes until they have their fix and are happy to trip on off to whatever they were doing before. How on earth can you show someone how much you love them if you can't give them a big squeezy hug? It literally brings tears to my eyes to think about how much I love those two kids and how hopeless I am at showing it.
It's that kind of hopelessness that has been standing in the way of me writing for other people to read lately. I am not a Super Woman, but I have always tried to be the best Mom I can be. With Monster and The Boy, I may not be THEIR mother, but I am A mother and I am in charge of them right now. Why shouldn't I give them everything I would give my daughters. The fact that I have not figured out how, is making me just plain depressed. These two kids are the polar opposites of my three girls because they have been raised that way and I just don't know how to bridge that gap.
Deep in my heart I KNOW that every child - every person - deserves to be loved, and to be shown that love. I feel that I am not giving these precious kids everything they need and that makes me feel... I guess inadequate. I feel like a failure because I don't have a way to reach out to these two. I haven't wanted to write because I usually try to touch on a little about everyone in the family but I don't have much to say about them because we don't interact the same way. I would really feel awful to keep writing all this awesome stuff about my daughters and then just sort of leave Monster and The Boy out of it.
At this point, I know I need to stop thinking about ME and what I want for them. I guess I have to decipher what they need and want even if it is completely foreign to me. I'm not sure I could try any harder to figure them out, but I will still give it a shot. There has to be something I haven't tried. Some angle I haven't seen this from. Who knows? Maybe I should stop trying?
Nope. Not that. I refuse to allow the time those two spend here to be devoid of love and affection. I will never stop trying to show how I feel. I'll just need to figure out a different way to do it.
Deb
Friday, March 15, 2013
Rythm and Routine
I just haven't been able to write as much lately because, frankly, things are going pretty well. I actually have a real, full time job that I work from home. I work for a company called Telenetwork, which if you look at WAH sites, you've probably seen or heard of. The pay doesn't start out all that great, but it gets better FAST if you work hard at it. I think the best part about it, is that there is little to no sales involved or required. It is straight technical support help desk stuff. All calls are inbound, so I don't have to call people myself. I actually have come to enjoy it. I get to help people and that is what has always mattered to me. Sure, it is just helping people get their internet up and running, but that can be a very valuable and vital part of life. Especially, if you are in a rural area like so many of my customers are.
Working from home can be a challenge for a lot of people, but for me it is the most important aspect of this job. Because I need so much more rest than a normal person does, spending the time commuting cuts down on either my valuable family time, or the time I need to spend taking care of them. I typically need to be in bed about the same time the kids do, so I don't get those valuable post-bedtime hours that a lot of parents rely on to get stuff done. Working from home means I can be in bed literally 15 minutes before my shift starts and I can still be logged on and working on time.
Of course there are some disadvantages, working weekends being one of them. As weekend work goes, though, this is pretty easy. Many customers don't even know that we are available 24X7 so we get much fewer calls on the weekends than we do during the week. What this means is, the pace is much slower, and there is plenty of time to relax between calls. What this additionally means for me is that I have to juggle weekend errands and events. The trade off there, is that I typically have a weekday off so I am able to schedule appointments and such without having to miss work.
After two months of this, I'm starting to get the feel of how things work and how to balance working and being a mom. My kids are old enough now that they (usually) are able to keep themselves busy and quiet when they are home while I am working. We are still working out the kinks in that plan, but they have had experience with this while DH has been working from on and off over the last several years. Most of the time it just takes a gentle reminder (usually something soft thrown against a wall) to get them to quiet down. We've been blessed with enough computers around here that everyone has one to use, so most of the time they've got something fun and quiet to do. I don't have to worry about them watching endless hours of Disney to keep them occupied.
Today was one of the first days I have been able to really enjoy the fruits of my labors. It's Spring Break, so all the kids are home. It was also payday. For the first time in as long as I can remember, we weren't financially in the hole before we got paid. We haven't been draining our bank account by filling up the gas tank twice a week. All our bills are on time, so no late fees or disconnect/reconnect fees have been chewing up our financial cushion, either. I got to take EG and TD shopping for Easter dresses TWO WHOLE WEEKS before Easter! I got to drag the niece along, and it was so nice not to stress about everything from the cost of this dress nice vs that ugly dress to the gas it cost us to get there! Just being out and about with the girls on a weekday was a treat.
Another bonus I've found is that I haven't needed to eat out very much. In fact, I've been eating very well since I can stock the pantry with the sorts of foods I like without needing to worry about the transportation or serving size of packing lunches. I only have to think about it when I'm at the store, not every morning while trying to rush out the door. If I'm hungry, I grab a snack during a break instead of having to wait until I have a full hour to eat. If I'm not hungry enough for a full meal, I can eat only what I want without having to worry about the rest of the meal going to waste. Most of all, I have my trusty coffee pot nearby. I can have MY coffee the way I like whenever I like. Caffeine intake is handled at 1/3rd of the calories of a cola. And yes, I have my fridge here with nearly unlimited filtered water. I'll get around to drinking some of that... eventually.
I know you have all read of my trials about work, and family, and diet, and money. I'm glad that things are getting easier in all those respects for me. I'm not quite ready to say everything is better yet. I've been here and back in the depths of my hole too many times to be able to say that too soon.
Realizing that I'm feeling good about things, but still nervous that everything will fall around my head made me remember a story about a man watching a butterfly come out of its cocoon. You see, this man had been patiently watching this butterfly struggle for hours trying to break free of its prison. After several hours of what seemed like hopeless struggle, the butterfly seemed to stop, exhausted as if it could go no further. The man decided to help things along and fetched pair of scissors and carefully snipped open the cocoon so the butterfly could be free. The problem was, once the butterfly had been freed, its wings were all shriveled and its body was too big. It was never able to fly far and free like the other butterflies. The very struggle to free itself was what properly prepared the butterfly's body and wings for life outside the cocoon.
Maybe that is what I'm supposed to have been learning through all these trials? Maybe I'm destined for a happy, comfortable, healthy life after all. I just have to be able to learn how to handle it before I'm ready for it. I wonder, if all the chances I've been given and wasted, and all the opportunities I lost or ruined, were really for some bigger purpose? Have I been given these struggles to prepare me for something better?
I may not be able to handle it all, but I know I can at least stand up to it. I've known love in my heart to be true and strong even with no hope of it ever being returned, and it was returned and I have an insanely wonderful marriage. I've handed my daughter over three times, never truly believing I'd be able to hold her again in life, but she fought and survived and then I went ahead and had TWO MORE little darlings. I've been jobless, foodless, penniless, even homeless (although, thankfully, never without a home to sleep in) and now, I've made it this far. I've dealt with depression, injuries, and now pain and fatigue and there is nothing I can do to push it away. I have to just learn to deal with whatever energy and abilities I'm able to muster from day to day. It is both humbling and empowering at the same time.
Look how little I have been given!
Look how much I made with it today!
Every day I go through the normal routines of my day and I feel a little stronger. Every day I can work, and be a mom, and sleep at night I feel blessed and thankful because I remember what it is like to be unemployed (yet, again), too depressed to function, and too sick to know day from night. I'll never be a high paid executive. I'll never see the inside of a pair of size 5 jeans. But I will always know how blessed I am to have what little I've been given so that I may turn it into the greatest thing possible.
God only knows what waits for me next, but I feel like I'm supposed to be ready for whatever it is.
Deb "Patience" Lollar
If you like this, please share it with my permission. If you feel like I do, or have felt the way I did, or know someone who has, leave a comment and share with me.
Working from home can be a challenge for a lot of people, but for me it is the most important aspect of this job. Because I need so much more rest than a normal person does, spending the time commuting cuts down on either my valuable family time, or the time I need to spend taking care of them. I typically need to be in bed about the same time the kids do, so I don't get those valuable post-bedtime hours that a lot of parents rely on to get stuff done. Working from home means I can be in bed literally 15 minutes before my shift starts and I can still be logged on and working on time.
Of course there are some disadvantages, working weekends being one of them. As weekend work goes, though, this is pretty easy. Many customers don't even know that we are available 24X7 so we get much fewer calls on the weekends than we do during the week. What this means is, the pace is much slower, and there is plenty of time to relax between calls. What this additionally means for me is that I have to juggle weekend errands and events. The trade off there, is that I typically have a weekday off so I am able to schedule appointments and such without having to miss work.
After two months of this, I'm starting to get the feel of how things work and how to balance working and being a mom. My kids are old enough now that they (usually) are able to keep themselves busy and quiet when they are home while I am working. We are still working out the kinks in that plan, but they have had experience with this while DH has been working from on and off over the last several years. Most of the time it just takes a gentle reminder (usually something soft thrown against a wall) to get them to quiet down. We've been blessed with enough computers around here that everyone has one to use, so most of the time they've got something fun and quiet to do. I don't have to worry about them watching endless hours of Disney to keep them occupied.
Today was one of the first days I have been able to really enjoy the fruits of my labors. It's Spring Break, so all the kids are home. It was also payday. For the first time in as long as I can remember, we weren't financially in the hole before we got paid. We haven't been draining our bank account by filling up the gas tank twice a week. All our bills are on time, so no late fees or disconnect/reconnect fees have been chewing up our financial cushion, either. I got to take EG and TD shopping for Easter dresses TWO WHOLE WEEKS before Easter! I got to drag the niece along, and it was so nice not to stress about everything from the cost of this dress nice vs that ugly dress to the gas it cost us to get there! Just being out and about with the girls on a weekday was a treat.
Another bonus I've found is that I haven't needed to eat out very much. In fact, I've been eating very well since I can stock the pantry with the sorts of foods I like without needing to worry about the transportation or serving size of packing lunches. I only have to think about it when I'm at the store, not every morning while trying to rush out the door. If I'm hungry, I grab a snack during a break instead of having to wait until I have a full hour to eat. If I'm not hungry enough for a full meal, I can eat only what I want without having to worry about the rest of the meal going to waste. Most of all, I have my trusty coffee pot nearby. I can have MY coffee the way I like whenever I like. Caffeine intake is handled at 1/3rd of the calories of a cola. And yes, I have my fridge here with nearly unlimited filtered water. I'll get around to drinking some of that... eventually.
I know you have all read of my trials about work, and family, and diet, and money. I'm glad that things are getting easier in all those respects for me. I'm not quite ready to say everything is better yet. I've been here and back in the depths of my hole too many times to be able to say that too soon.
Realizing that I'm feeling good about things, but still nervous that everything will fall around my head made me remember a story about a man watching a butterfly come out of its cocoon. You see, this man had been patiently watching this butterfly struggle for hours trying to break free of its prison. After several hours of what seemed like hopeless struggle, the butterfly seemed to stop, exhausted as if it could go no further. The man decided to help things along and fetched pair of scissors and carefully snipped open the cocoon so the butterfly could be free. The problem was, once the butterfly had been freed, its wings were all shriveled and its body was too big. It was never able to fly far and free like the other butterflies. The very struggle to free itself was what properly prepared the butterfly's body and wings for life outside the cocoon.
Maybe that is what I'm supposed to have been learning through all these trials? Maybe I'm destined for a happy, comfortable, healthy life after all. I just have to be able to learn how to handle it before I'm ready for it. I wonder, if all the chances I've been given and wasted, and all the opportunities I lost or ruined, were really for some bigger purpose? Have I been given these struggles to prepare me for something better?
I may not be able to handle it all, but I know I can at least stand up to it. I've known love in my heart to be true and strong even with no hope of it ever being returned, and it was returned and I have an insanely wonderful marriage. I've handed my daughter over three times, never truly believing I'd be able to hold her again in life, but she fought and survived and then I went ahead and had TWO MORE little darlings. I've been jobless, foodless, penniless, even homeless (although, thankfully, never without a home to sleep in) and now, I've made it this far. I've dealt with depression, injuries, and now pain and fatigue and there is nothing I can do to push it away. I have to just learn to deal with whatever energy and abilities I'm able to muster from day to day. It is both humbling and empowering at the same time.
Look how little I have been given!
Look how much I made with it today!
Every day I go through the normal routines of my day and I feel a little stronger. Every day I can work, and be a mom, and sleep at night I feel blessed and thankful because I remember what it is like to be unemployed (yet, again), too depressed to function, and too sick to know day from night. I'll never be a high paid executive. I'll never see the inside of a pair of size 5 jeans. But I will always know how blessed I am to have what little I've been given so that I may turn it into the greatest thing possible.
God only knows what waits for me next, but I feel like I'm supposed to be ready for whatever it is.
Deb "Patience" Lollar
If you like this, please share it with my permission. If you feel like I do, or have felt the way I did, or know someone who has, leave a comment and share with me.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Working Girl Update
So, I haven't written in awhile. Part of it was just all the craziness of life getting to me and the rest was that I just haven't had enough energy to do much more than crawl in and out of bed. Right after Christmas, I hit a wall. Or rather, I stopped hitting a wall. When I have something stressful I need to work through, I can usually push things aside long enough to reach my deadline. Once I don't have anything driving me forward, that's when I tend to fall right over and I get to pay for all the extra effort I just put in. Starting around Thanksgiving I had managed to start working more than full time hours (instead of 30 per week) to help get money for Christmas. I planned it right, I busted my tail, I got the presents bought - and WRAPPED - before midnight Christmas Eve, and Christmas morning was just wonderful. I wanted SO MUCH for Monster and The Boy to have a happy and peaceful Christmas this year, and I managed to pull it off pretty well, I thought.
Of course, there is always that price to pay.
I kind of pushed myself a little too hard with all of that. I didn't really have much of a choice, of course. Work really was relying on my heavily and we really needed to get financially caught up so Christmas didn't hurt us or set us back. With extra long hours and still taking care of so much at home, I just plain overdid it. The day after Christmas, I started to feel that "run down" feeling that I have come to recognize as a warning for an FM flare up. I talked to my boss and arranged to only work a few hours each day that week. I got lots of rest, ate well, kept hydrated, and prayed with every fiber of my being that I could bounce back.
I tried. I really did. The fatigue was just too big to battle. After another full month of doing the same thing - short days, and even not working every day - I realized that things were just not getting better. In fact, things got worse. I was able to work about 20 hours a week, and that wasn't doing me or my work any good. Ok, it was doing work plenty of good, as long as I was there, but the hours I were there were even more stressful because of playing "catch-up."
I probably could have stuck it out a little longer except it occurred to me one morning that I didn't WANT to. When it comes down to it, my boss was the biggest ass I have EVER worked for. That's saying a lot because I have worked with some pretty "special" jerks in my career. Again, maybe if it was just HIM, I could have pushed myself a little longer, but it wasn't just him. It was him and all the other family members that ran the shop. The half of the employees that weren't related to him were actually some of the coolest people I have ever had the pleasure to work with. The other half that WERE related to him, though... well, let's just say the negatives outweighed the positives. I have seen a six year old in a full-on temper tantrum display more maturity than this group did on any given day.
For the last few months, I had been telling myself that I HAD to keep putting up with it because no one else was going to hire me. Even more, I truly believed that if I did manage to get hired on anywhere else, I wouldn't be able to keep a job. The embarrassment of being fired over and over again still stings. It isn't easy to let it go. So, if I kept the crap job there, it was a sure thing but if I left I just KNEW I would go down the drain like I did before. This line of thinking had me putting up with all sorts of nastiness every day that I never really should have had to. I worked late and came home after dinner to make up for coming in late in the morning. I didn't take lunch breaks and instead ate fast food at my desk every day. I "put out fires" when the management screwed up. I played nice and won back customers who wanted to leave because they had been treated poorly. I bent over backwards and went above and beyond to help fix the problems that were caused by poor management and worse customer service. And I did it all with a smile while the owner was standing behind me asking me if I ever got tired of being stupid. (Yes, he actually said that.)
One morning I woke up and realized that there was nothing that would make me want to go to work. The drive was barely worth the money I got paid, the only positive feedback I ever got was from customers, and there was not one thing I could be proud of in the company I worked for. THEY DIDN'T EVEN RECYCLE. A copy shop. Refusing to even put out recycling bins for paper. It was disgusting. When I woke up in a good mood, I didn't want to go in because I knew that work would ruin my day. At first I told myself that it was ok to put up with it because they couldn't make me feel bad about myself. I knew that whatever foulness was spewing out of their mouth, it was THEIR problem. Not mine. Eventually though, just having to bear up under that much negativity - even when it isn't directed at you - will take its toll on anyone. I had come so far and dug myself out of such a deep hole. Just going to work every day was threatening to push me right back in.
So, I took a risk. My sister has been working for a company that hires tech support employees who work exclusively from home and they are always hiring. So I applied. It isn't a scam company and it isn't a cake job. It is real, hard work and you HAVE to be tech savvy to even be able to pass the test they give you for the application. I attempted to apply with this place several times over the past few years, but every time I got to the application, I would just freeze up. I don't know why I was so afraid just to apply. It actually took three times for me to get through the application this time around, but I did it. I called my sister to get some guidance, I practiced typing until I was able to test at 43 wpm, and when I actually took the application test, I managed to score high enough that I got a call back the next day.
That was the best feeling I can remember having in longest time. Even though I didn't actually have the job officially landed yet, I didn't wait to turn in my notice to my boss. I got all sorts of ugly looks, and attempted guilt trips, and nasty attitude from the family that ran the place, but none of it really bothered me. At this point, it only made me feel more secure in my decision. I have not lived this long, worked this hard to be a grown-up, and bent over backward to raise my children with respect and maturity only to be treated like crap every day by small minded, bigoted, whiny, overgrown brats. I wouldn't put up with that kind of attitude in my house. Why would I purposely put myself through it every day? No money is worth that.
When I turned in my notice, I said I would work through the next week and help out part time after that because I knew I would have to wait at least until the next Monday before starting the training class. But, when it came to actually going in I just couldn't make myself. I called them back and told them I was just too sick to actually come in at all, which was completely true. I ended up losing out on a week of pay, but really, that is such a small thing when compared to the relief I found when I just let myself off the hook. I spent that week resting, taking care of the little things around the house that really needed it, and just relaxing.
I started training on Monday and I am so very excited. I really didn't have anything to worry about. Sure, the sort of support I will be giving is pretty advanced stuff, but I can handle it. Not only have I grown up around computers but my professional experience has given me more knowledge than I really understood. Going through the training videos and taking notes gave me a cool kind of boost. "Hey!", I thought. "I KNOW this stuff!"
Working from home isn't for everyone, but I think it may be for me. When I feel the worst, driving anywhere is the last thing I want to do. When standing up for 10 minutes wears me out and taking a shower is too painful because of the pressure of water on my skin, I certainly don't want to have to be seen by ANYONE, certainly not complete strangers. However, even when I DO feel that bad, I'm already awake and usually on the computer anyway. Why not get paid while doing it?
The people I work with are actually really cool, too. I was a little concerned thinking that this would be one of those places that will hire anyone, treat them like babies, and then try to make them feel thankful that someone as dumb as they are actually has a job. I almost got into a place like that before so I was wide awake and looking for these signs again. This place is a real company, though, with real employees who just happen to work from home. The training is excellent, provided you already have some technical knowledge, and the support the management gives is really amazing. The pay is actually not too bad and they offer benefits like medical insurance, vacation time, and even 401k.
I finished up the video and testing part of the training today and tomorrow I will start handling a few customer calls. I'm a little nervous, naturally, but it really isn't anything I haven't done before. I can do this. I know I can.
Deb
Of course, there is always that price to pay.
I kind of pushed myself a little too hard with all of that. I didn't really have much of a choice, of course. Work really was relying on my heavily and we really needed to get financially caught up so Christmas didn't hurt us or set us back. With extra long hours and still taking care of so much at home, I just plain overdid it. The day after Christmas, I started to feel that "run down" feeling that I have come to recognize as a warning for an FM flare up. I talked to my boss and arranged to only work a few hours each day that week. I got lots of rest, ate well, kept hydrated, and prayed with every fiber of my being that I could bounce back.
I tried. I really did. The fatigue was just too big to battle. After another full month of doing the same thing - short days, and even not working every day - I realized that things were just not getting better. In fact, things got worse. I was able to work about 20 hours a week, and that wasn't doing me or my work any good. Ok, it was doing work plenty of good, as long as I was there, but the hours I were there were even more stressful because of playing "catch-up."
I probably could have stuck it out a little longer except it occurred to me one morning that I didn't WANT to. When it comes down to it, my boss was the biggest ass I have EVER worked for. That's saying a lot because I have worked with some pretty "special" jerks in my career. Again, maybe if it was just HIM, I could have pushed myself a little longer, but it wasn't just him. It was him and all the other family members that ran the shop. The half of the employees that weren't related to him were actually some of the coolest people I have ever had the pleasure to work with. The other half that WERE related to him, though... well, let's just say the negatives outweighed the positives. I have seen a six year old in a full-on temper tantrum display more maturity than this group did on any given day.
For the last few months, I had been telling myself that I HAD to keep putting up with it because no one else was going to hire me. Even more, I truly believed that if I did manage to get hired on anywhere else, I wouldn't be able to keep a job. The embarrassment of being fired over and over again still stings. It isn't easy to let it go. So, if I kept the crap job there, it was a sure thing but if I left I just KNEW I would go down the drain like I did before. This line of thinking had me putting up with all sorts of nastiness every day that I never really should have had to. I worked late and came home after dinner to make up for coming in late in the morning. I didn't take lunch breaks and instead ate fast food at my desk every day. I "put out fires" when the management screwed up. I played nice and won back customers who wanted to leave because they had been treated poorly. I bent over backwards and went above and beyond to help fix the problems that were caused by poor management and worse customer service. And I did it all with a smile while the owner was standing behind me asking me if I ever got tired of being stupid. (Yes, he actually said that.)
One morning I woke up and realized that there was nothing that would make me want to go to work. The drive was barely worth the money I got paid, the only positive feedback I ever got was from customers, and there was not one thing I could be proud of in the company I worked for. THEY DIDN'T EVEN RECYCLE. A copy shop. Refusing to even put out recycling bins for paper. It was disgusting. When I woke up in a good mood, I didn't want to go in because I knew that work would ruin my day. At first I told myself that it was ok to put up with it because they couldn't make me feel bad about myself. I knew that whatever foulness was spewing out of their mouth, it was THEIR problem. Not mine. Eventually though, just having to bear up under that much negativity - even when it isn't directed at you - will take its toll on anyone. I had come so far and dug myself out of such a deep hole. Just going to work every day was threatening to push me right back in.
So, I took a risk. My sister has been working for a company that hires tech support employees who work exclusively from home and they are always hiring. So I applied. It isn't a scam company and it isn't a cake job. It is real, hard work and you HAVE to be tech savvy to even be able to pass the test they give you for the application. I attempted to apply with this place several times over the past few years, but every time I got to the application, I would just freeze up. I don't know why I was so afraid just to apply. It actually took three times for me to get through the application this time around, but I did it. I called my sister to get some guidance, I practiced typing until I was able to test at 43 wpm, and when I actually took the application test, I managed to score high enough that I got a call back the next day.
That was the best feeling I can remember having in longest time. Even though I didn't actually have the job officially landed yet, I didn't wait to turn in my notice to my boss. I got all sorts of ugly looks, and attempted guilt trips, and nasty attitude from the family that ran the place, but none of it really bothered me. At this point, it only made me feel more secure in my decision. I have not lived this long, worked this hard to be a grown-up, and bent over backward to raise my children with respect and maturity only to be treated like crap every day by small minded, bigoted, whiny, overgrown brats. I wouldn't put up with that kind of attitude in my house. Why would I purposely put myself through it every day? No money is worth that.
When I turned in my notice, I said I would work through the next week and help out part time after that because I knew I would have to wait at least until the next Monday before starting the training class. But, when it came to actually going in I just couldn't make myself. I called them back and told them I was just too sick to actually come in at all, which was completely true. I ended up losing out on a week of pay, but really, that is such a small thing when compared to the relief I found when I just let myself off the hook. I spent that week resting, taking care of the little things around the house that really needed it, and just relaxing.
I started training on Monday and I am so very excited. I really didn't have anything to worry about. Sure, the sort of support I will be giving is pretty advanced stuff, but I can handle it. Not only have I grown up around computers but my professional experience has given me more knowledge than I really understood. Going through the training videos and taking notes gave me a cool kind of boost. "Hey!", I thought. "I KNOW this stuff!"
Working from home isn't for everyone, but I think it may be for me. When I feel the worst, driving anywhere is the last thing I want to do. When standing up for 10 minutes wears me out and taking a shower is too painful because of the pressure of water on my skin, I certainly don't want to have to be seen by ANYONE, certainly not complete strangers. However, even when I DO feel that bad, I'm already awake and usually on the computer anyway. Why not get paid while doing it?
The people I work with are actually really cool, too. I was a little concerned thinking that this would be one of those places that will hire anyone, treat them like babies, and then try to make them feel thankful that someone as dumb as they are actually has a job. I almost got into a place like that before so I was wide awake and looking for these signs again. This place is a real company, though, with real employees who just happen to work from home. The training is excellent, provided you already have some technical knowledge, and the support the management gives is really amazing. The pay is actually not too bad and they offer benefits like medical insurance, vacation time, and even 401k.
I finished up the video and testing part of the training today and tomorrow I will start handling a few customer calls. I'm a little nervous, naturally, but it really isn't anything I haven't done before. I can do this. I know I can.
Deb
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)