Adjustment

Now that I have committed to a schedule for the next two years (terrifying, isn't it?) I am trying to look ahead to see what changes I will need to make in my life to let this be as easy as possible. I also have to look at my girls and how the schedule changes will affect them, as well. There are so many things to consider - sleep times, meal times, hours that I am available to be around for my kids, and hours I am able to devote to DH alone. What kind of schedule will be needed to make sure I can juggle all my hearts and keep them all going on course?

Culinary school is going to be so cool, I can hardly wait the two weeks until the first day of class. Actually, for me, it will be the first evening of class. I had to choose a 7:00pm-11:30pm class schedule. Ok, I didn't HAVE to, but it just made sense. Originally, I was going for the 3:00pm class time, but the afternoon courses were not available for my start date. I have already waited 6 weeks longer than I wanted to, and changed my major from Baking and Patisserie to Culinary Arts, just to be able to work this into my life. Also, waiting any longer would have meant I needed to fill out all the financial aid paperwork again, and that is just a real pain when you have already accepted the grants. I could have opted to take one of the morning classes, but they start at 7:00am, or 8:30am. Yeah, um... that's not going to work for me. I will have to drive more than an hour to get to class every day, and attempting to do that at 6:00, or even 7:00 in the morning is just waiting for disaster. I KNOW me. I have never been a morning person and lately, I haven't even been a mid-morning or noon person, either. Besides that, leaving that early would mean my girls would have to get themselves out the door to school every day and I just don't think they are quite capable of that yet. They will be able to someday, I'm sure, but they are still learning and they don't have the best teacher in the "Getting ready to go on time" department.

Recently, I tried to figure out where my days go to and why I never seem to get anything I want to do done. Mostly, it is because I try to fit my day into the normal 8-5 schedule but my brain and sleep pattern just doesn't work that way. One problem is, I have gotten used to staying up later and later with DH. It doesn't bother him to be up until midnight or later most nights. He doesn't work until 10:00am so on the mornings he doesn't have a commute, he can get plenty of sleep and still stay up that late. I find anytime I can spend with him is precious, even when we are just in the same room on separate computers, so I tend to take advantage of those late night moments. Besides, I absolutely hate going to bed alone, so I tend to wait up for him no matter what. Thankfully, DH doesn't have nearly as much trouble as I do waking up and being functional so most mornings getting the kids up and out the door is his main responsibility. When do I have to get up to help the girls get to school, I end up coming home and going back to bed for at least a little while.

Even when I am asleep at night and awake during the day, I have noticed that I am most active and alert during the afternoon to evening hours. I might be in a brain fog all day, and then 5:00 hits and WHAM! suddenly I am awake and alert. Maybe it is because I don't really have a reason to be interactive during the day since I am either alone at home, or alone with DH and he is taking calls (and therefore considered "Unavailable" to me.) Maybe it is because in order to get to sleep at night, I have to be really, really tired or I have to resort to chemical aids. (sleeping pills, you ninny! What did you THINK I meant?) and I sometimes wake up groggy, even after 8 hours of "sleep." Perhaps, the Fibromyalgia just drains all my energy and I have to work up the energy to do anything productive during the day.

In any case, I haven't been able to successfully get myself up and out the door for a regular 8-5 job for many years now. Even when I was able to work at a job, I found myself being most productive at the end of the day. I think it's time I just quit fighting it. If I am an afternoon/evening person, why not structure my daily schedule around that? ("That's brilliant!" I said to myself.) Why not use this tendency to my advantage? When I was offered the ability to go to school during my most productive hours, it just seemed to make sense. Upon further reflection, I realized that getting a Culinary Arts degree should lead to a job in a restaurant or other food service establishment. While you can find some place that is open almost any time of day, the really high-end, five-star establishments make their reputation by serving primarily in the evening. So, where is all the to be money made? Not breakfast or lunch, but DINNER! And, it happens to be my favorite meal anyway, since you have the excuse to follow it up with dessert, which would be my favorite meal if I could get away with it. But, I digress...

I think I accidentally stumbled on the best solution for me as a career! By searching for a way to make one dream come true,  I have found a way to be as successful as I can be turning my "limitations" into "advantages." For the next two years, I will be fine tuning my ability to perform at my best between the hours of 7:00 and 11:30 at night. Once I graduate, I will be able to use this skill to secure a job that will pay me well and I will be able to succeed at. I know that this isn't the traditional schedule for a "Mom", but I am hardly a traditional person. My kids are already accustomed to my slow mornings and afternoon naps. It won't very difficult for them if I were to make this my "official" schedule (they probably won't know the difference anyway.) It also means I can stop beating myself up for being a lazy person and then trying extra hard to make up for it later in the day. I can make reasonable expectations of myself and then I can actually meet my goals instead of setting myself up for failure by creating an unrealistic schedule.

Recently, I have started looking forward to a new and exciting career. I used to imagine myself five or ten years from now and it just seemed kind of... sad. I had resigned myself to the fact that work would only ever be a way to make money so I could enjoy my life outside of work. I thought that I would always wind up working jobs that I was capable of, even if I wasn't particularly passionate about it. The majority of my waking hours would be spent passing time until I could be free and do what I REALLY wanted to do. That's kind of a sad way to live, don't you think? Shouldn't your main goal be to find something that you LOVE so that your work can be as exciting and full as every other part of your life?  (what a concept?!?)

Yes, that SHOULD be my goal, an now I really think I could enjoy my work as much as I enjoy everything else. Now, I have dreams of working as the top chef or even pastry or dessert chef in a fancy restaurant or hotel (at least until I am able to get enough experience to feel comfortable running my own place.) I can just imagine, it's dinner time on a busy Friday night. I've been working in the kitchen preparing delectable dishes for customers who appreciate my fine culinary style. Then, I hear that my family is in the dining room. After I take a brief moment to greet them as I make the rounds in the dining room (as all good chefs should) I am able to serve them the same amazing food I have been making all night. My kids will see me at work and see my happiness and success, and I will feel proud of what I do. Who could really ask for more than that?

Deb "The Chef"

Spinning

Sorry I have been missing around here lately. I have a whole lot on my plate! That is not a complaint, it's more of an accomplishment, actually.

First, me. I am still fighting something and I still don't know what it is. The headaches are better, but the muscle pain isn't, and the joint pain is worse. It feels like something is attacking my joints on the inside and when it gets tired of chewing on one part, it moves somewhere else. For awhile, it was my lower back, then it moved down to my knees and ankles. Then it moved up to my shoulders and caused me to take months off work. I thought it was pretty well settled down, until last week when my fingers started swelling. I had to pull off my wedding band because I was afraid it would have to be cut off before too much longer. (For reference, my rings used to be too big for me. I had to wear little spacer thingies.) Whatever was going on in my hands also showed up in my elbows and shoulders (again) and it stayed around for three days or so. It hurt to move my arms, or grip a pencil, or even walk.  At one point, the only comfortable position was lying on my back with my hands propped up. I spent my entire weekend like that, actually.

So, in my quest to defeat this, I've messed around with meds, tried cutting out certain foods and ingredients, I have even tried pushing on and ignoring it (yeah, THAT was successful...) Now I am turning back to the docs and letting them have another stab at it, literally. Tomorrow I will go to get the ever dreaded ALLERGY TEST (dun dun duuuunnn.) I haven't had this done before, but I understand that the procedure involves pricking the skin up and down your back with allergen loaded needles and then the doctor watches to see which one of the dots gets most inflamed the fastest. And you can't touch them (because they are in the middle of your back,) and it will itch wherever it shows you are allergic to something, and you can't take anything to make it stop until several hours after the test. I think this has to be pretty close to cruel and unusual punishment. I seriously wonder which backwards torture specialist thought of this thing.

While I am not too keen to do this, and I know there is an easier way to do it, I am agreeing to it because of a few things. First, I love my doctor. She is kind and compassionate (usually,)  but very professional and extremely capable (something I haven't been able to say about many doctors over the last 7 years.) The second reason I am willing to undergo this tortuous procedure is because she is a double specialist in allergies and rheumatology, and she knows what she is doing. She is able to look at things from more than one perspective, which in this case, is highly valuable because so many of the problems are related at the core of it. The third reason I will do this is that I have already had so many other tests run on me, there aren't too many left to do to figure out WHY I hurt so much. If I can figure out that bread and dogs cause an allergic reaction then, I will know to stay away from bread and dogs and maybe I can get back to my life again. (It's good to have goals, you know?)

Beyond that, I am getting VERY close to the start date for college. Today, I will take the Math portion of the entrance exam (yes, I know I should be studying instead of writing) and get measured for my school uniforms. I am so stoked about this! Next weekend I will go to the orientation and receive my books, uniforms, and the tool kit (the knives!!!!) On Nov 8, I will start attending classes at this rather elite, international culinary university and I will be on my way to realizing my dreams!

On the flip side of that, is the mountain of fear that is right in front of me, telling me that I shouldn't even try. If I can't make it through three days without pain, how am I going to make it through two years of classes? My track record on professional endeavors has not been to stellar, lately. There is much more evidence to say I will fail than that I will succeed. Why do I think this time will be different? I have no clue. All I know is that I am running out of options. School is at least a different direction than I have failed in before. That has to count for something, right?

I am also worried about how the kids are going to handle my going to school. When I am home, I have a hard time struggling with whether I am babying them, or neglecting them. In either case, I have at least been home to do (or not do) what needs to be done. Now, I will be gone all day. They will have to make it home on their own (three whole blocks,) and they will have to take care of certain things to make sure the evenings run smoothly (instead of dinner at 9:00 and bed at 10:00 without a bath.) They haven't been very reliable at this over the last few months. Is it because I am doing everything and not letting them take responsibility? Or is it because I have not been giving them the proper guidance to let them learn how to do it themselves? Whatever the reason, I am very concerned that I will come home every day to a disaster.

Now, DH has been able to work from home three days a week since we moved to The Country.  On one hand that means he will be home three out of five days. On the other, that means that he will be working until 7:00pm those days and he has to trust the girls to be absolutely quiet while he is on the clock. If customers hear background noises that point to him working from home (and not the office) then he could lose his work-from-home privileges and we will be back to seeing him only on weekends. I am not sure how the girls will react to him being home, but unavailable, without my being here to referee. Frankly, this worries me quite a bit.

Well, it is time for me to make the last preparations and head out the door to the school. If you are the praying type, I would really appreciate a prayer or two. If you're not, just send positive thoughts my way, or skin a tree and burn a rabbit (whatever it is you do,) for successful completion of my exam and an influx of common sense and intelligence for my girls.
If I make it through this, I will hold a grand feast in your honor!

Deb "The Future Chef"

Slightly Political

Sorry guys, I have to get this off of my chest.

Yes, protesting at funerals should be banned. 

It sounds ridiculous to even have to state it, but there is a small, but very vocal church from Kansas, doing just that. Anyone who wants to look it up will find this subject prominent in the news today. This group thrives on publicity and hate and I don't want to propagate that any further.  I am struggling with even publishing this because I don't want to give them any more attention than they deserve. I am just so burned up that there is even a question on this that has to go before the Supreme Court, that I can't get it out of my mind.

The issue is that, whether the person being buried was military, civilian, religious, criminal, purple, or liked Furries, their families should still be allowed to say goodbye to their loved ones in peace. Funerals are private functions. They may be held in semi-public venues (churches and graveyards) but that shouldn't allow for strangers to come and disturb the gathering in an effort to defame the deceased, in spite of your freedom to think and say how you feel. Funerals are also usually considered a religious ceremony. Freedom of religion is just as important as freedom of speech, which is the Amendment this organization is using to validate their attendance and protesting at funerals of fallen soldiers.

My opinion is that certain things are sacred and should be respected. The families are grieving not only the death of a loved one, but also the loss of a brave solider, sailor, airman, or marine that died during active duty. Now, in the midst of their pain, they also have to see the picket lines and hear the bigoted chanting of a group that never even knew the fallen. While parents and children are burying their dead, this group of Religious Extremists holds protests before, after, and even during the funeral and burial ceremonies in an effort to add insult to an already suffering family. The father of one fallen marine has been forced to sue them for emotional damages since the only thing they are technically doing is being disrespectful.

Unfortunately, you can't pass a law requiring respect. Legally, you can only require that civility is practiced. It isn't always pretty that way, but it works. Here in the South, there are still people who view others of different color as less than themselves. They are allowed to think whatever they like (no matter how backwards it is) but they are not allowed to act on that bigotry. That is against the law and is considered a Hate Crime. Unfortunately, the group I mentioned before is filled with lawyers from the top on down, so they know what they are doing and they know how to work the system. (Strangely enough, the pastor was once a famous Civil Rights lawyer.) They use whatever rules they can to justify themselves yelling hateful (and slanderous) remarks about the soldiers during their protests.  They secure permits to assemble and protest, so technically, they are not gathering illegally. They claim that they are simply exercising their right to speak their minds.

The signs they use have the most shockingly horrible things that can be written - God Hates America, God Hates Fags, Thank God for Fallen Soldiers, AIDS cures Gays. Nothing could be more calculated to generate negative publicity and get people talking. They are very vocal in their belief that God is punishing America for its tolerance of homosexuality. How losing a soldier in the line of duty somehow equates to God punishing the country for Gays, I still don't get. But, I said they were lawyers, not necessarily SMART lawyers. (For the record I know several wonderful people who practice law and who are also very intelligent.)

So, this group declares they have Freedom of Speech and that gives them the right to assemble and protest what they feel. There are also laws again harassment, abuse, and slander that should be invoked as well. As many people have said today, you can't yell "FIRE" in a crowded theater and you can't burn crosses in someone's yard. Our Freedom to speak is already limited by law to encompass decency. Whether I agree with their message or not (for the record, I don't) they do have the right to their views, religion, and speech, even if it is bigoted and hateful, but they do not have the right to abuse others in the name of Freedom of Speech. If the government must permit the KKK to exist as a private organization, then we must allow this church from Kansas to exist, too. But just as the KKK can not have a lynch party, this church should not be allowed to harass families who are grieving from the recent loss of a loved one.

Some Americans are so upset about what this "church" has been doing that they have tried to combat them in a peaceful, yet effective way. A group that I am proud to name - The Patriot Guard - is a group of citizens, mostly motorcycle riders, who attend these same funerals and either make a physical barrier with themselves and American flags, or prevent the families from hearing the protest  by drowning the picketers out with their engines or with their own voices. While I am proud that so many wonderful people show up to support the families of the deceased, it is unfortunate that this group was inspired to exist at all.

So, if you want details, see what the news has to say about picketing at military funerals. Read whatever facts you can find and make your own decision. For me, if I had a motorcycle, I would be out with the Patriot Guard ensuring the safety and peace of families who have just lost a brave soldier who died defending our country.

Peace and Solitude

It has been pretty hard adjusting to life out here. I know I have said it before, but really, it IS hard - harder than I expected. I have made some progress, though, and I surprised myself with just how far I have come.

I have started working again, part time as a transcriptionist. I currently have three days a week on the schedule, but that changes all the time. I only work evenings, so I get to juggle helping get the kids ready for evening and getting myself out the door on time. Part of me really hates the hassle of it all. The kids always whine about my not being here, and of course, the Mom in me wishes I could be here all the time. The Grown-Up-Woman in me is very thankful for the opportunity to get out of the house, talk to adults, and actually make a little money as well.

I usually wrap up what I need to do between 11:00 and midnight, so I usually get home sometime between midnight and 1:00 in the morning. There was a time when even contemplating driving by myself, at night, for almost an hour would have freaked me out enough that I wouldn't have attempted it. When The Gray Monster decides to rear its ugly head, I have a hard time even going to the grocery store alone, so regularly being up and driving so late would have paralyzed me with fear. Something about the dark and being alone just sort of freaks me out. (I know it is irrational, but no one said depression was logical.) I live more than 20 miles away from the major highways. That means at least half of my drive home is through country roads that are lined only by farmland - no streetlights, stoplights, or even porch lights. I was afraid of falling asleep behind the wheel, or having an accident and not making it home, or most often I would fear the possibility of being hit with a headache or other pain so severe that it would impair my ability to drive safely.
Anyway, the breakthrough in adjusting to my new life came as I was driving home from work last week.
It was almost 1:00 in the morning and I realized, as I traveled through the dark and winding roads that there was no fear. I had no anxiety or nervousness at all. I was perfectly comfortable being by myself, in the dark, in the middle of the night. I looked out the window and I saw more stars in the sky than I would have ever been able to see in the city. Somehow, it was comforting to me. I looked in my rear-view mirror and I could see a soft glow on the horizon of the city lights that I left behind when I headed for Home. I felt calmed thinking of leaving the lights and noise and traffic behind me. The radio was on and I was singing along with all the songs, which is something I usually only do when I am happy and in a good mood. Suddenly I realized - I was happy to be heading home to my quiet house on the quiet street on the edge of a small and very quiet town.

I still miss the city - especially grocery stores, pharmacies, and gas stations - but I am willing to let all that go so that I can see the stars at night. There were so many days and nights that I felt trapped and slowed by being in the city - the traffic and the smog and the crowds of people I don't know and never will. Seeing groves of trees torn down to make way for gas stations and wild animals misplaced made my heart sick. I so often wished I could live somewhere that I could look up and see the red-tailed hawks flying over trees instead of being forced to perch on a streetlamp. I wanted my kids to be able to walk around their neighborhood and meet the other kids who lived nearby without fearing that they would be run over by a speeding car while crossing the street. Mostly, I wanted a more peaceful and a more simple life, where things moved slower. I wanted to feel less pressure to keep up with the neighbors and more encouragement to make friends with them.

I realized that I had been wishing and praying for years to have just the kind of life that I have recently been given. Sulking about the lack of a Starbucks and grouching about the prices at the corner grocery were not very productive, and my complaints were preventing me from embracing the prayers that were answered. My girls run out and play with the other kids on the street almost every night. The people on our street drive 15 miles an hour all the time. The houses are all somewhere between 50 and 150 years old and the trees are big and broad and healthy. I actually CAN look up and see hawks flying over the fields outside of town and hear the birds every day. We found out last night that we have bats living in the tree in the front yard! Yes, there are a lot more critters and bugs around, but they live outside instead of being forced into the walls of houses and building.

Since I have made the decision to go back to school in November and I am already working half the week, I realized that I am not "trapped" at all. I have plenty of opportunity to get what I need and go where I want, I just have to time it so that it is convenient and not wasteful. I will have all day during the week to be surrounded by the buildings and bustle of the metropolitan area. Every evening, I get to come home to the peace and serenity of my quiet, little home. If I want the selection and prices of major grocery stores, I can have them, I just need to make sure that I remember to bring my insulated shopping bags to the cool things cold on the way home. When it is 7:00 on a Sunday and all the grocery stores are closed, it is hard to remember that I made the choice to move out here. It is much easier to complain about how hard life is and wish for the convenience of a Taco Bell.

All the things I disliked in my life are being changed now, whether by choice or by force. Change is never easy, even when you want it, but easy isn't always good. For several years everything in my life has become difficult, painful, strained, and broken. From finances to health I have lost six years in a downward spiral. I've read that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If I want a better life, to get out of the rut that was causing me to physically and mentally break down, and to be able to get back on my feet financially, I have to stop doing the same things over and over. Moving out here was a choice I made to try and change whatever it was that we were doing wrong and try to figure out how to do it right.

I think I might finally be able to wrap my stubborn brain around it now.

Scary Smart

This afternoon I had a Parent/Teacher conference with EG's teacher. Normally, these meetings don't happen until after the first grading period is over, but in EG's case, we had to act with a little more urgency. You see, EG is more advanced than your average 3nd grader (actually, she is more advanced than some 5th graders, but that is beside the point.) From the beginning, I knew there would be issues, but I didn't think it would happen as severely or as soon as it did.

On the first day, everything seemed to be fine when EG came home from school, but by the end of the first week, things had started to go sour. EG was very frustrated because (in her words) the teacher did nothing but yell at everyone and insist that all work was done neatly or she made you do it over again. Some kids were apparently resistant to this idea because there were a few who had to re-do their class work 3 or 4 times. This is a concern for me, considering EG is only in 2nd grade. Also, her teacher is very liberal with the red pen and EG was completely distraught by all the red marks all over her papers. She became so nervous about doing her home work that she would daily go to pieces because she felt it had to be "perfect." The simplest questions became stumbling blocks because she just didn't want to make any mistakes.

The straw that broke the camel's back happened last week when another student in the class rolled a pencil across the desk and caused a disruption in the class. The teacher didn't see it, she just heard it and when no one admitted to actually doing it, she kept the ENTIRE CLASS in from recess and then the next day refused to let them line up for lunch until the very last minute. (The kids got the impression that they missed part of lunch, but the teacher has assured me that they really were not late, just not as early as they usually are.) Allie was just plain angry about this and didn't even want to go back to school.


I admit, my Momma Bear complex came out when I heard from EG that they missed "half" their lunch. I was ready to have that woman's job. I could have pushed for it too, because it is against the law to withhold food as a form of punishment. I still think it was completely uncalled for to punish the entire class that way, but I was not there, so I can not say if it was really an extreme situation. I can say, that I disagree no matter what, though.

Even aside from "she yells all the time" and "I don't like getting punished for someone else messing up," it was clear to me that the curriculum for EG's class was not up to the level she is used to. For the last four weeks, she has had almost the same sheet for homework, every single day - What time does the clock say? Identify the shape. What are the sums? (all under 18.) The poor child was bored to tears at home doing it. I can only imagine what the school day much be like for her. In her free time, she reads Harry Potter books, works multiplication problems, and practices cursive handwriting. The work she was doing was equal to what she was given two years ago in kindergarten.

When I sat down with the teacher, I made sure that DH could be there and the counselor joined us, too, just to make sure everything was documented. The teacher managed to explain off the punishments pretty well, so I let that slide (having been in charge of a group of 7 year old kids before, I understand that sometimes you just lose it.) What we focused on, instead, was the daily work and how EG is not being challenged or even particularly interested in it. It was obvious that the school is more used to dealing with children who need help catching up, not with kids who are super far ahead. Both the teacher and the counselor seemed a little at loss with what to do. EG hasn't actually caused any trouble IN class, but she has been very quiet and doesn't seem to play well with others, and even appears to linger over her work just so she won't be the first kid done. Her grades are excellent but she still seems overly stressed out about school in general.

The final decision is that EG will be given extra things to do to keep her engaged during the day. Not just more of the same assignments, but creative and challenging "extra credit" work like high level math or "finish the story and draw a picture." In another four weeks, we will revisit the situation and see how she is doing. If the extra work seems to make her happy, we will continue on. If it doesn't seem to be working, or she is still not challenged, we will look into other options, like changing classes or even moving up a grade. I can't say I am particularly comforted by the teacher not having anything on hand to address this. She seemed to be bothered and a little panicked that she would have to "dig up something" that she hadn't visited since she was in college. I kind of got the idea that she was perfectly happy to move a child up because it seemed easier than having to come up with extra "special" work for her to do.

This is a pretty big deal. Skipping a grade is nothing to take lightly. I would not even consider it if I wasn't completely sure that it was the right decision for EG. Academically and socially, skipping a grade makes a huge difference in the long run. She is especially young for her own grade already, since her birthday is right before school starts. She is already in class with kids who are several months, if not almost a year, older than her. Being especially small for her age would only make it more obvious to everyone else that she is far more advanced than "normal." The last thing I want to do is give my girl the impression that she is freakish or weird.

While none of my kids are even close to average, EG seems to actually be so far advanced and so quick to learn, adapt, and create, that something clearly has to be done to make sure that she doesn't lose the gift she already has. Now, I don't believe (at this point) that we have a super genius on our hands (who will graduate from college before she's 12.) However, I do feel that not addressing the intellect would be a disservice to her, as well as pitifully wasteful of her talent.

There are only 20 kids in the district labeled as "Gifted" so it really isn't a surprise that they don't really know what to do with a child like EG. It might just be the fact that the curriculum out here in the country is much slower than it is in the "big city." If that were truly the case, though, I would see similar issues with my other two girls. But, both of them seem to be doing fine with their school work and homework. I really feel that this is something that we would have had to deal with whether we moved out here or not.

EG is just a little MORE than other kids her age and if she has been gifted with the ability to do and think and BE more, then I want her to BE as much as she can.

Closer to "fine"

Yes, that is a line from one of my favorite songs. The Indigo Girls paint such a beautiful picture of life.

Anyway, today I feel a little closer to feeling "fine." I have been looking forward to this weekend for a very long time. There wasn't any big events planned or anything like that. This is the weekend that DH gets to "move back" home. For the last several weeks, he has only been here on the weekends, but now, since we have our own internet connection, he is able to work from home part of the week. That adds up to only a few days where he has to stay with his parents so he can be closer to work.

I have missed him so very much. I have come to realize over the last few weeks that I would make a pretty lousy single mom. On most mornings I am not alert enough to find two matching shoes, let alone drive the kids to school. In the afternoons I am distracted and short of temper. By the time dinner time rolls around, I am already tired and if I manage to make it all the way to bed time without blowing up, I'm doing good. Somehow with DH around, just knowing I have backup for when I need it makes me feel stronger. Maybe I am afraid to let him see how bad I really feel. The girls will love me no matter what, but maybe I am still a touch nervous that if he doesn't see me doing my best all the time he will be disappointed in me. That's a ridiculous, thought, really. If he was going to hold any of this against me, he would have a long time ago.

This next week will be really important. I have managed to secure a part-time gig transcribing again. I should start working three nights a week starting next weekend. That is also the week that culinary school is supposed to start for me. It appears that is I keep with this schedule, I will go from no work, to full time school and part time work all at once. That scares me quite a bit. A few people have told me, quite honestly, that they don't think I can handle it. Well, you know how I feel about that. But, the truth is, I don't know if I can handle it either. I have crashed and burned so many times in so many ways. Jumping feet first into something like this will either be a wonderful experience or a very large disappointment.

Something else I am worried about is how the kiddos will handle all this. Most days I will be at school the same time they will. They can walk home from school (in spite of their opinion that it is torture to do so) and I will be home shortly after they are. A few nights a week I will go right from school to work. By the time I get home it will be way past their bed time so I will be relying on DH to handle that for me and also for them to be able to handle it as well. My recent attempts to work in the evenings have met with less-than-positive feedback from them. How am I supposed to get motivated to leave the house when I have three sets of puppy dog eyes begging me not to go?

I am coming up against a strange lack of motivation even with the support of my family. Friday I was supposed to go my school to finish filling out paperwork. Friday afternoon got there and I was swamped with a thousand things to do and was still waiting on service people to show up and turn on certain utilities. So I called my contact in admissions and rescheduled for today. This morning, I woke up and cooked a wonderful breakfast and felt great, and then about an before I was supposed to leave, I felt like crap. I got the first real headache I have had in weeks and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. I know me when I feel that way. It is a sign that I need to rest because if I don't, I will crash hard and spend the next three days trying to recover. So, I called and rescheduled again.

This whole thing is starting to worry me a bit. If I can't make a meeting on a Saturday afternoon, what does that say about my dedication and drive? Why do I let pain and fatigue take over at times like this? Is my brain causing a strange sort of failure on purpose, before I really start achieving my goals?  Does fear try to shut me down so I don't start something else only to fail again? Am I afraid of failing or am I really afraid of succeeding? Maybe I have accepted failure as the status quo and my brain doesn't want to adjust to change.
I am not sure, really. A therapist would have a grand old time picking apart my thoughts and actions. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. A day off. A day to relax and reflect and prepare for the week ahead. We have planned to go to the local church to check it out and maybe have friends or family over for dinner. I need to spend the day deciding what I am going to do. Will I use the drive and excitement I felt last week to push me to do better and different things with my life? Or, will I let fear dictate my life and paralyze me?

Restraint

I know that spewing anger and insults across the internet it is rude. It is the worst kind of gossip and talking behind someone else's back. So, I will try not to make any of this sound personal, although it feels very personal to me. I am personally hurt and angry because I want to start something new and move in a new direction and it doesn't really feel like I have the support of the people closest to me.

A few weeks ago I mentioned something about how cool it would be to open a coffee shop of my own. At the time, I was filling up a Saturday afternoon with daydreams and I didn't expect it to really mean anything. After a bit, I took the "what if's" a step further and started researching the costs and rules about that sort of business. My kids were around and they really caught on to this idea and now they are asking me when we will get to open for business. All three of them are little entrepreneurs (every summer they want a lemonade stand, ever winter they want a hot cocoa stand, every weekend they want a garage sale, etc.) so it doesn't surprise me that they are all for it. In fact, they have all been working together on a concept for the logo and motto.  My kids are brilliant, I tell you.

DH seemed pretty positive about it, as long as it was just a plan and a dream. When I spoke to other family members, I think they were a little surprised. They are used to my bouncing ideas off of them, especially ideas about career direction and the like. Asking their opinion about starting a new business was completely a new direction for me and they all said as much. their responses varied from "wow, that would be cool," to "how would you manage to do that with your health and stuff?" Unfortunately more than one of them said the words that should never be uttered in my presence - "You can't..."

Oh really? I can't, huh? Well, I'll show you!

Yes, I know how immature and child like that sounds. I know how silly it is to react to something like that. It is like the kid in 2nd grade who would take a dare no matter what it was and ended up covered in mud with gum in his hair and his tongue stuck to the flagpole (I would assume...flagpoles don't get that cold in Texas.) I might not be THAT gullible or impressionable, but there is something that clicks in my brain when someone tries to tell me I can't do something. I'm not referring to a denial of permission, though heaven knows I don't need permission from anyone anymore. I am specifically talking about when I have an idea and someone tells me I will not be successful at it. I can handle criticism and negative comments. I welcome questions, even pointed ones, that will get my mind thinking about all the different outcomes of a plan. I can not, however, resist the urge to shove it in someones face when they tell me I am not capable of something. Don't tell me I can't do it or you will witness the storm from my trying to prove to you that I can!

There have been plans and ideas and endeavors that have failed (sometimes spectacularly) that I have pursued as much out of interest as because someone suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I once ran a girl scout troop for three years (before the politics of the council and the lack of parental support got the better of me.) I have started (and lost) a home-based business in cosmetics (although I still believe in the company and the product.) I have learned that I am not incredibly good at selling anything at all (from wedding dresses, to cell phones, to even my own skills) because I have made a go at all of these things. I can humble myself and accept failure when it happens, and I can even resist the urge to remove someones spleen when they try to utter the phrase, "I told you so." At least I can say I TRIED, though, and I will never have regrets over missed opportunity or inaction. I would much rather be able to say, with certainty, that I am not good at something instead of knowing I never attempted it.

Knowing this little gem about myself, I try not to talk about ideas in any sort of definitive, planning way unless I have already done my homework on it. When I decide I would like to know more about something, I do my own research and decide if I feel I am capable of attempting it before I ever mention it to anyone. I still like to bounce ideas off of people, and until I make the decision and commitment to move forward, I am just as likely to decide it is a good idea as bad. But, by the time I decide to talk to my friends an family about a new endeavor I have already spent many hours learning as much as I can in an attempt to decide for myself whether I can do it or not. In short, if I ask your opinion about it, I already know I can do it.

But, I digress...

Concerning the coffee shop. The idea of owning our own business is not new. DH started thinking about it more than 5 years ago. We got as far as a business plan before the idea was put on the back burner for lack of funding. When the inspiration to open up a shop hit me a few weeks ago, it was actually a way to expand his original idea and make a few twists. By combining what he loves with what I love, we could create a place that would have both a regular customer base, but also bring in customers for one time shopping (which we could then turn into regular customers.) The idea became more and more appealing to me and I really wanted to know how to go about this and whether or not it would ever be possible. The research I did showed me something vital - I don't really know the first thing about running a business, let alone a food service business. Actually, I do know enough about it to know that there is plenty more I need to learn before I could even begin. Then, I remembered Sister #2 went to a cooking school a few years ago and part of their curriculum was a small unit on business management. That led me to do more research on what kind of school would teach me what I needed to know and I found a major international school just opened up a branch in our metroplex.

The reason this is such a big deal to me is that there are only a few more than a dozen of these schools in the nation. You can go to a cooking trade school and several colleges offer courses in culinary studies, this school is only found in the biggest cities with the best reputation for producing award winning food, chefs, and restaurants. This isn't the "we'll take your money and show you how to chop carrots without slicing your fingers" kind of school. This is the first cooking school ever created, and has a history over the last 125 years, of teaching and graduating the most successful chefs and restaurant owners in the world. Remember the movie Sabrina with Audrey Hepburn? Yeah, THIS was the kind of school she traveled to France to attend. Being able to get into this school means that I would get the best instruction on how to cook, how to create, and how to run a business.

Do you mean, I can go to school and be around food and learn how to make better food and then you will teach me how to do it for a living? How cool is that? People actually get paid to cook amazing food and share it with people who enjoy it? That sounds like a pretty good deal to me. The magic of creating something that tastes delicious and makes people smile and feel good is one of the coolest things to share. Having a full cookie jar. Pulling a perfectly golden brown pie out of the oven. Presenting a decorated birthday cake to my kids. Placing a loaf of perfectly crusty bread on the table to have with dinner. Spreading butter on a warm roll and tasting the way the butter melts and spreads through the roll. These are things that make me smile just thinking about them. Food is a way to show love for my family and sweet and delicious treats are an even better way.

After spending some time contemplating this, I realized why I don't already bake more often. For starters, the time, the mess, the cost of ingredients, and the heat involved can all be extreme. Time and mess, I can deal with. I have to cook dinner every night anyway. But the cost of ingredients - really good ingredients - that is something I can not justify when we are struggling to pay bills. However, when I am able, I DO purchase (or collect) the best ingredients I can find and I can make some pretty amazing dishes this way. It just doesn't happen often. The one part I can't control is the heat. Baking in Texas in the summer is an exercise in sadistic torture (both being in the kitchen and then when you get your electric bill.)

Another factor in my reluctance to bake at home is that the calories involved can be prohibitive. Anyone who knows me understands that I am a fluffy person. Even in High School, when I was at my thinnest, I have always been curvy. Now, because of my health and meds, I have more than enough fluff to go around. Not only does this make me very conscious of what I eat, but also what I serve, and how it will affect my health down the road. My paternal grandfather was insulin dependent all my life. My father is diabetic, too, and that triples my chances for blood sugar problems. I want my kids to never have to worry about their shape and size the way I do, so I am careful about how often I make sweets or even let them in the house. For us, cookies are a sometimes food.

Here's the deal, though - I don't want to completely give up dessert! Is there a way to have my cake and eat it too (no pun intended - okay, maybe it was.) Can I find away to cook and serve and eat things that taste good but don't make any of us sick, and don't use artificial crap? If I have to use fake sweetener to make something "safe" to eat, I would just rather not do it. I have several friends and family members that are gluten intolerant, and they are missing out on some of the best stuff in life, too. Wheat isn't the only thing out there to make food out of, you know. I just don't know how to make it any other way, but I WANT to!

I realized that cooking school will, if nothing else, show me the rules of baking so I know when and how to change them. Also, it is a trade that is worth money in a lot of different venues and fields. Even if I never open my own cafe, being a certified pastry chef will open a lot of employment doors that are closed to all but a chosen few. Hotels, country clubs, cafes, high end restaurants, resorts, and even assisted living and retirement facilities all employ a staff specifically to create desserts and treats for their clientele. Suddenly, my job opportunities are no longer limited to office support and customer service rep. I can get behind that.

While attending a cooking school is a relatively new idea for me, attending college isn't. I have been looking for a direction to take my life in for some time. Because of my health and work history, I am just as unemployable in my own field of work as I am anywhere else. Whether I decide to go back to office work or sell shoes I am at exactly the same place - square one. If I have to start at the bottom, why shouldn't I take the opportunity to explore a new and exciting career doing something I already love to do? What is it that I love? That isn't an easy question to answer.

In the past I considered teaching because there are many grants available for those willing to teach and stay in Texas. As much as this idea appeals to me, I have come to realize it wouldn't be a good option. Raising my own kids has shown me that I have a hard time with other people who don't raise their kids. Teaching - especially in the areas required for me to qualify for those grants - would mean I would be dealing with a lot of very difficult children and situations that would put more stress on me than I am ready or willing to take. I decided that I would rather do something I am excited about than put myself through a daily torture  - even a labor of love - simply to get a degree.

After that, I thought about cosmetology. With research and experience, I feel I would be a bad fit for that field, too. In spite of the cost of school and the certifications required, I would be exposed to many, many solutions that I just can't handle. If my skin breaks out simply because I used a bar soap with fragrance in it, how am I supposed to work with shampoos, dyes, and hair products? I can't even use hair spray or gel in my own hair. What would I look like having to apply it to dozens of other people every day?

I considered being a freelance writer. I did a lot of research and wrote a lot of articles and stories. Then, I decided I would rather pursue a field that would actually PAY me for the 12 hours a day spent on it. I love to write, really I do. In fact, no matter what I end up doing for a living, I will keep on writing. I just don't have any illusions that I will ever be able to get paid for it. There are too many bloggers, novelists, short story writers, journalists, and just plain writers for me to really feel confident in pursuing it as a career. I need something that will allow for my creativity but still provide a regular income.

 So, office work - not a great choice, but I'll take it if I have to. Teaching - right out (including daycare - been there, done that.) I don't want to handle the kids and stress (or the lawsuits from the kids who mouth off to me.). Hair stylist - no way (unless I want to find out the exact chemical that will make my skin peel and fall off.) Standing in the same spot all day with my hands at or above my head just sounds painful to even think about. Writing - boy it makes a nice hobby, but as a career I will probably starve before I get paid for it.

So again., why shouldn't I take the opportunity to explore a new and exciting career doing something I already love to do? Why not become a baker and pastry maker so that I can take the joy I get from serving my family and share it with the public?

The answer to that, as always, is money and health. As for money, right now I live 100 miles from where I used to be, simply to save money. We have been trying to make do and live on one paycheck - DH's - for a long time now, and it really isn't working. Practicality suggests that I find gainful employment to improve my financial setting before attempting to advance or change careers. I agree, to an extent. We need more money coming in, and I fully expect to keep looking for for work. I just also feel that adding the extra step of going back to school would ensure that I will be able to continue to find work - work that I would love to do - for many years to come. It takes hard work and sacrifice to get what you want. I know that working and going to school will be a strain on everyone, myself included. I don't see how it is any worse than my working a full time job that I don't really like. I will be gone from the house the same amount of hours, approximately. The actual dollars may be less, but for many reasons, I don't want to work full time (that is a whole other topic I won't get into today.)

Health wise, am I capable of handling school and also working 20 or more hours a week? That is a question that I can only answer by trying it. I know that there was a time in the past few years where I was only able to be out of bed for a few hours a day. There are also times when I have surprised myself at the amount I was able to accomplish even when I was nearly at my worst. Whether because of meds, a different mindset, or some other unknown source, I have made a turning point in my recovery. I feel better than I have felt in as long as I can remember, and I have more energy and less pain than I have had in, literally, years. The daily routines that used to wear me out in a few hours are now the minimum of what I can do in a day. I no longer count the hours from pain med dose to dose. I can walk further, lift more, work harder, and stay awake longer than I have been able to do for many years now. What's more is I WANT to do all these things.

I have come to a point where I am well enough to do more, but if I don't take advantage of it soon, I am afraid I will start to slip backwards gain. It feels as though the more I do, the more I am ABLE to do. Strength and stamina come from exercise - both physical and mental. Without a way to exercise, I will not progress any more. Sitting and not doing anything creates in own sort of stress. The strain of physical pain has been replaced by the weight of inactivity. I need a place to be, something definitive and productive to do, and a reason to get up each day and go just a little bit further. I have gone as far as I can go in my daily life without adding something more to it.

Is jumping in with both feet a smart idea, though? I don't know. Going from sitting around to five hours of school and four hours of work every day certainly seems extreme. I know that if tomorrow I were to jump up and be on my feet for nine hours a day, I might be pretty beat when I got home. I also know that though I might be starting school in about two weeks, but I don't have a job yet so it is highly unlikely that I will actually go from one extreme to the other. I also know that in my job searches, I do not have to focus on jobs that keep me on my feet or away form the house. There is a reason I have a home office. I have several connections and leads that I have been pursuing for a while. It is just as likely that any of them will come to fruition as it is my getting a lead for an office job or getting hired at  Target . Many of those leads would have me working from home during the evening hours, which suits me and my schedule just fine. 

So, my perfect plan would be to start school in two weeks and have a work-from-home job to work on when I'm not at school. The hours I need to be at school are the same hours the girls would be in school (including driving time) so if I were to land a gig working from home it means I would be gone from the house while they are and at home when they are. It also means I can make money while still keeping an ear out to make sure the house won't burn down (and not need to ask for help or pay a babysitter.) I have worked from home before and I know about the silence/work/kids-at-home juggle. We do it all the time when DH works from home and I know my kids are capable of doing what needs to be done.

So, now I will ask all of you - Does it sound like I am being completely crazy? Am I making ridiculous expectations of myself? Am I being selfish to want to attend school while DH is stuck in his job that he doesn't like?
I am looking for input about whether I should or shouldn't pursue this. It isn't about can or can't because believe me - I know I can.