Surprise!

I totally didn't expect this to pan out so quickly. I found an add on WAHM.com (my favorite site for Work At Home leads) and POW! 24 hours later, it appears I may have found a regular freelance gig. At least, that's what I think is happening here. I submitted a sample of writing, the guy got back to me and asked me for a second article, and then he accepted it and welcomed me to "The Team."

Now, don't panic. I did my research before sending in my info. This is a reputable and recognized company. Is there a catch? Not really, as long as you know what you're getting into. It isn't a terribly large amount of money, but I'm just starting out here, so I won't complain. You also have to agree to produce a minimum number of articles per day and the guidelines for the articles are very specific. But, if you don't mind writing to a format and you like being given interesting subjects to research and write about, it isn't too bad a deal. Lucky for me, I do well when given specific guidelines and I love finding out about things I never considered before.

I don't think I will get rich doing this, but I am still super jazzed about it. I have wanted to write for a living for awhile now. I have even applied to a few places and gotten some feedback and requests for more. So, why didn't I do this before now? I was just plain chicken. I sat down to answer the leads and I froze up. Could I live up to the requirements being given? How could I manage to write every day? What if I got sick or had an FM flare up again? How could I walk into another job knowing how much I had failed in the past? Why should I start something new knowing I would let someone else down, just like before?

Ok, I won't lie. Those questions still scream through my head right now. The difference is, I can put a cork in it and go on about my business, now. I am sick to death of people (either in my head or outside) telling me that this isn't a good idea or I can't do that. Sure, sometimes the naysayers are right. But, if I never take a chance I will keep sitting here, gathering dust, wasting away, regretting my failures, and wishing I had acted on something - anything - before now. So, I took the leap. It might suck horrifically. Or, it just might be something to keep me awake and interested in life so that I can start to live again.

I keep looking for things that will help me find myself, but now I don't think that is really the right goal. The last several years have destroyed nearly every thread of who I thought I was. I have been humbled and shamed by my failures and there have been times that I thought I would never see the light. Now, I can feel the sun on my face again. I am healing and growing and stretching and getting stronger. Something I realized, though, is that I will never be 100% who I was before. That's ok, though. While I have had to grieve for the lost "Me", the time for grief is passed. Now is the time to figure out who this new person is that I have become.

Really, it is better this way. If I was so happy with who I was before, why did I get so sick that I couldn't function? Something about my life wasn't healthy. Or maybe, it was just fine for me back then but it wasn't who I ultimately needed to be. Perhaps all the pain and depression was necessary to destroy who I was so that I could be remade into something different, something better.

DH is a former Marine and he will tell you that basic training is all about destroying everything that makes you YOU so that you can be built up again the way THEY want you to be. You walk into this KNOWING that you will be changed inside and out. It hurts a lot. Days and nights run together when you get yelled at by everyone, sleep is minimal and food is scarce. Everything that you love and anything that makes you comfortable is denied. You are forced to do things that you fail at over and over again until you are able to do them easily. After several weeks of this suddenly, you wake up one day and realize that you are invincible. You have worked harder than you knew you could and you have prevailed, and become A M
Marine.

Sometimes I think God is the ultimate Drill Instructor. Only you don't get to decide when or how or why. One day you just wake up and realize that you've been utterly destroyed by something - cancer, divorce, personal loss, financial disasters, or maybe some other trial that only you know about. Then, sometime later - maybe days, or weeks, or even years - you wake up to the sun on your face and Surprise! there is a whole new you.

Deb "The New" Lollar