The Wall

I haven't written ANYTHING in a month. Since losing my job, I just haven't had the motivation to do anything. I KNEW it was coming. It wasn't a surprise. You would think that I would be a little more...desensitized to getting fired by now. But no. You might also think I would have learned a better way to deal with the depression that always follows, but I haven't got that figured out either. The last six weeks have been a long string of uninteresting days followed by unremarkable nights. My brain feels like a cross between jello and oatmeal without all the interesting bits of fruit floating around. I haven't followed followed my routines hardly at all. I'm showering whenever I get around to it, getting dressed sometime during the day, going to bed later and later, and sleeping in most mornings. The weather has been cooperative so I haven't needed to get up early to drive the teenagers to school, thank goodness. Most days I let everyone walk home as well. Budgeting, meal planning, routines... whatever. Stuff just isn't getting done.

I'm sure I will get everything together and figure out what I'm going to do soon, but not today. This can't last forever, right? The very fact that I am sitting in my closet-turned-office (affectionately referred to as the Cloffice) is a sign that I am doing better. Just being in here before now has been a reminder of the fact that I used to work from here, but I don't anymore. My brain keeps wanting to beat me up for being a total failure, and so I've been doing my best to avoid anything that triggers that kind of thought.

All I can do is be so very thankful for the understanding, patience, and hard work of my husband. Since his promotion at work he's been working his tail off. Thankfully, that also means more money so my lack of job isn't as big a deal as it once was. Also, I just finished paying off my car, so that makes a huge difference as well. Things balance out.

So far, I haven't used my free time to catch up on the laundry, or scrub out the refrigerator. I've only gotten a few pieces of bead work done in the last month. The days are pretty much spent sleeping or reading or doing other things that are a complete waste of time. The evenings are better, because I have the kiddos around. I might be spending the majority of the days in bed, but the evening hours are making up for it. Still, there are so many things that really need to be done. I'm walking a fine line between feeling guilty about not doing anything, and forcing myself to do too much at once and burning myself out.

I think I might have reached a turning point tonight, though. Nothing huge happened. No major epiphany or kick in the pants has occurred. Suddenly, I just felt that I had rested enough. I'm not making any big plans for tomorrow or anything, but there is a spark in me that has finally made itself known. I guess the last six weeks or so was my time to heal and recover. Now it is time to begin to build my strength back up. I won't be back to normal for awhile, but I believe I will finally start to get better. Sure, it's almost bedtime, but that's ok. Instead of feeling like I'm wasting more time, I'm going to think of going to bed as a way to recharge for tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm going to feel proud of myself for doing as much as I can. It isn't as much as I want, but I have to be satisfied that it is all I am capable. Tomorrow will be better.
It always is.

Deb