So, you want to date one of my girls...

So, you've met one of my darling girls and now you think you want to take her out on a date. Maybe even more than one. I feel I should warn you. Dating one of MY girls may be a little different than what you would expect. You should also be warned that I consider my daughter and my niece equally important to me, so before you go any further, you should really take at look at these helpful little tips.

1. Fear is good.  Ah, fear. A parent's best friend. You might already know that Mr L is a Marine. He loves all his girls very much and he is just as protective as you think he might be. He also knows how to permanently remove you from the equation, make it look like an accident, and he already has a nice, long list of places to hide a body.

2. Make sure your fear is well placed. Mr L and his specific set of skills is certainly something to keep in mind, but he's not the one you should fear, yet (unless you've already done something to hurt one of our girls.) No, the first threat you should fear is Me. I am the first line of defense against little creeps who are up to no good. If I don't like you, you don't stand a chance. I won't ever come right out and say, "You're not allowed to hang out with so-and-so," but I have lots of other ways to make my disapproval known. Believe me when I say, if I don't want you around, you will know it.

3. Trust is better. If you want to spend time with one of my girls, it will be much easier if I trust you. I have to trust that you will protect my girl from any harm from others, and also that you will not ever be the one to harm her. Trust is not something that is given easily or quickly. You will have to gain my trust slowly, over time by showing me that you always have my girl's well-being forefront in your mind. If you are serious about wanting to see one of my girls, this lengthy trust-building will not be a problem for you because you already understand about things like trust and respect.

4. Respect is best. Respect is one of those complicated things that is hard to define, but is easy to recognize. You might say it is a combination of fear and trust. You should trust that I will make you fear me if any harm should come to one of my girls. There's more to it than that, though. Treating my girl as if she is the most important thing in the world is part of it. So is making sure the world knows that you value her in the only most respected way.


5. Show the right kind of affection. PDA (Public Display of Affection) is a fast lane to either earning my respect or losing any chance of seeing my girl again. When you are together in my presence it's ok to let my girl know you like her by holding her hand, for instance. Is is NOT ok to attempt to paw her like an animal or kiss her like they do in romance movies. That doesn't show respect for her as a girl or me as her parent. Even thinking about anything else beyond the kissing is clearly a bad idea (see rule number one.)

7. Value her as a person. Your actions and words will tell me very quickly if you truly value my girl the right way or if you are the type of person that objectifies females in the wrong way. I will not suffer the latter to hang around. My girls are all super smart with lots of unique interests. If you want her to like you, be prepared to ask about one of her many hobbies. Share your own with her. If you want ME to like you, be prepared to do the same. If you think that this is unnecessary, see rule number two.

8. Value her as a female. I know she is beautiful. She knows it too because I have been telling her that since the day she was born. Reminding her of this is perfectly fine, when done in a respectful way. For example, "You look amazing!" is good. Remarks referring to "sexiness"  or how "hot" she is are decidedly not good. Also, make sure to show that you respect and value your own female family members.Your comments and attitudes about your family are usually a reflection of the way you feel about women in general.

9. Value your relationship with her. Another way you will show her (and me) whether you value her is how you treat other women in your life and in public. Being disrespectful of other girls is a red flag for mothers who want the best for their girls. Ogling and and making crude comments falls into the "disrespectful" category. Participating in actions that don't support the idea that you are 100% devoted to my girl will get you a long walk down a short driveway.

10. I don't care what you look like or what parts you have. All I care about is how you treat her. Truly. This isn't a trick. Tall, short, tattooed, pierced, dark, fair, American, foreign born, baggy pants or tailored suit - it really doesn't matter to me. If one of my girls happens to prefer girls over boys, who am I to judge? I have taught my kids that people are people, and all people are valuable. However, regardless of your gender, the same rules still apply. Be yourself and be good to her, and we will always get along great.
After all, THE most important thing to me is my girl's happiness.

Deb "The Momma" Lollar

The Wall

I haven't written ANYTHING in a month. Since losing my job, I just haven't had the motivation to do anything. I KNEW it was coming. It wasn't a surprise. You would think that I would be a little more...desensitized to getting fired by now. But no. You might also think I would have learned a better way to deal with the depression that always follows, but I haven't got that figured out either. The last six weeks have been a long string of uninteresting days followed by unremarkable nights. My brain feels like a cross between jello and oatmeal without all the interesting bits of fruit floating around. I haven't followed followed my routines hardly at all. I'm showering whenever I get around to it, getting dressed sometime during the day, going to bed later and later, and sleeping in most mornings. The weather has been cooperative so I haven't needed to get up early to drive the teenagers to school, thank goodness. Most days I let everyone walk home as well. Budgeting, meal planning, routines... whatever. Stuff just isn't getting done.

I'm sure I will get everything together and figure out what I'm going to do soon, but not today. This can't last forever, right? The very fact that I am sitting in my closet-turned-office (affectionately referred to as the Cloffice) is a sign that I am doing better. Just being in here before now has been a reminder of the fact that I used to work from here, but I don't anymore. My brain keeps wanting to beat me up for being a total failure, and so I've been doing my best to avoid anything that triggers that kind of thought.

All I can do is be so very thankful for the understanding, patience, and hard work of my husband. Since his promotion at work he's been working his tail off. Thankfully, that also means more money so my lack of job isn't as big a deal as it once was. Also, I just finished paying off my car, so that makes a huge difference as well. Things balance out.

So far, I haven't used my free time to catch up on the laundry, or scrub out the refrigerator. I've only gotten a few pieces of bead work done in the last month. The days are pretty much spent sleeping or reading or doing other things that are a complete waste of time. The evenings are better, because I have the kiddos around. I might be spending the majority of the days in bed, but the evening hours are making up for it. Still, there are so many things that really need to be done. I'm walking a fine line between feeling guilty about not doing anything, and forcing myself to do too much at once and burning myself out.

I think I might have reached a turning point tonight, though. Nothing huge happened. No major epiphany or kick in the pants has occurred. Suddenly, I just felt that I had rested enough. I'm not making any big plans for tomorrow or anything, but there is a spark in me that has finally made itself known. I guess the last six weeks or so was my time to heal and recover. Now it is time to begin to build my strength back up. I won't be back to normal for awhile, but I believe I will finally start to get better. Sure, it's almost bedtime, but that's ok. Instead of feeling like I'm wasting more time, I'm going to think of going to bed as a way to recharge for tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm going to feel proud of myself for doing as much as I can. It isn't as much as I want, but I have to be satisfied that it is all I am capable. Tomorrow will be better.
It always is.

Deb

It happened. Again.

I managed to make it just beyond my one year anniversary at work before being canned for not showing up to work. I couldn't argue. I couldn't even be angry or upset with with my boss. He's been very understanding and has bent over backwards to try and keep me on as long as possible. I've only got myself to blame.

Maybe I could have drug myself out of bed just a bit earlier. Perhaps I wasn't in THAT much pain. I should really have logged in and just tried to take calls. Why did I have to be such a whiny little brat about having FM? LOTS of people have it and many of them go to work FULL TIME even, and manage to keep their jobs. I couldn't even make it to work four half days a week when all I had to do was walk to my office/closet, put on my headphones, and log in? I'm pretty pathetic.

At least, that's what's been going through my mind non stop since yesterday morning. That I'm a failure. I've been canned - again - for missing work and only lazy, self-absorbed, idiots get canned for not showing up to work. Of course, that is only half my thoughts right now. The other half is this awful crazy swirling mix of fear (that we won't be able to pay bills), indignation (I'm SICK for goodness sake!), sadness (I really will miss the awesome people on my team), relief (at least I can rest and not feel guilty that I should be working), guilt (of course, it was all my fault), and a dozen other feelings all pushing and shoving to get to the front of my mind. 

I gave myself yesterday to mourn and lick my wounds, as it were. Last night was miserable, too, partially because I slept FAR too much yesterday and it made it difficult to fall asleep. Also because I had this allergy thing going on and I spent several hours coughing, gagging, and trying to vomit everything up. Yeah, I know that is TMI, but this whole blog sort of is, too, isn't it?

Anyway, DH was truly an awesome hubby because he didn't try to wake me up this morning, he just took the kids to school and let me sleep. Thank goodness the older ones can walk to the high school by themselves. I KNOW I kept him up all night with my pitiful coughing and retching noises, but this morning he was more interested in making sure I was feeling better. THAT, people, is why I love that man.

In fact, instead of of getting all pissed out my losing another job, he was the one looking on the bright side. "At least we have our weekends back. More time for pow wows and more time for beading!" How did I get so lucky to nab a guy like that?

So, now that I have more time, I can really focus on my Five Steps. Maybe I'll even get enough crafting done that I can sell a bit here and there. I'm pretty positive I won't be able to completely replace my former income, but every little bit helps.

Stay tuned to see what crazy shenanigans I'm up to next week!

Deb

That was pretty tough

That was a pretty difficult downward spiral to pull out of! It was so sneaky I didn't even realize it was happening. It started with a few days of feeling yucky, a few back to back headaches, and before I realized, it had been a month of me not doing ANYTHING. I kept thinking, "I need a break. Maybe just a nap." Then I would pull out my phone to read FB posts or play a game just for a minute and POOF! Hours gone. Just like that.

I could blame it on the games on my phone. It was almost exactly a month ago that I was able to upgrade my phone to a newer, cooler version. It has WAY more inboard memory than my old one so I decided I would try to download some of the games I had to delete off my old phone because of space constraints. I was specifically ignoring the fact the the OTHER reason I deleted all those games was because I started playing them all the time instead of beading, writing, house cleaning... pretty much everything else I needed to be doing.

Truly, though, I know that if it wasn't games, it would have been something else. When the Grey Monster creeps in and takes hold even the dumbest things will cause me to become distracted. I once spent THREE HOURS standing up, next to a chair because I picked up an interesting book. When I was done with the book (it was a kids novel and I am a fast reader) I realized I had been shifting from foot to foot, my back was aching, and I was starving and very thirsty. You see, I had been walking into the kitchen to grab a snack and a drink so I could take some medicine to help my back when I spied the book on the table. Once I picked it up, I was so completely engrossed that I lost all track of time and forgot why I was in the dining room to begin with.

The past month has been just like that. One minute I'm on my way to do something important, the next several hours has passed and I've not gotten it done. Even worse, I feel like I've completely wasted that time. Wastefulness makes me feel guilty. Guilt makes me beat myself up and then I feel ashamed. Shame makes me want to crawl into bed and forget about the world for awhile. Which wastes more time doing nothing and the cycle repeats. When you throw into that mix the days when I am genuinely unable to do anything because of severe body aches or migraines, you end up with a whole lot of days in a row of not spending time with the family, not being awake and productive during the day... even showering seems to be too much to handle.

You would think that if I have the presence of mind to figure this stuff out right now, I could avoid it all the next time it happens. I wish it was that easy. Looking back, I can see that I am not anything close to rational during these periods of time. It's as if all the intelligence just leaks out of my head and the only thing I am able to do is sit and wait for it to find its way home.

Over the past month, I have tried to snap myself out of this on the few occasions that I was able to think clearly. I've forced myself to go to Pow Wows even when I didn't feel like going anywhere. A few weeks ago I helped out with a crafting day that my husband was in charge of. Last night I went on a walk with some friends of ours and I actually walked more than a mile without stopping. I can say that this "bad" stretch has still been better than my "good" days used to be. But it isn't enough to make me happy about it. All I can think about are the hours of wasted time and the long list of things that never got done. This is a month of time I can never get back.

So, right now I am feeling better and I am going to do as much as I can while I can. I will try to remember to eat, drink, and rest so as not to burn myself out and start the cycle over again. And, I will start paying attention to my Five Step Plan for the year again. Today, I have written, so that's one thing checked off the list. I didn't get up, get showered, and get dressed first thing this morning, but I DID (eventually) do it, so I'll give myself that one for today, as well. I haven't lost a pound a week, but I haven't gained anything back, either, so there is another positive to count. That leaves "be creative every day" and "spend one-on-one time with each of the kids." I've already got my beading stuff out  so I'll be finishing up a lanyard this afternoon. This evening is the annual Cheerleader Parents' Meeting so I  will be spending time with the Tiny Dancer.

I guess this day hasn't been a total failure after all.

Deb

It wasn't my fault!

I'm back. I've had computer issues and sick issues and all sorts of other issues, but I don't feel like complaining today. Just know I've missed writing and posting and I'm SO VERY GLAD to be able to do it again!

I wanted to share with all of you a very important Milestone for me in my journey to improve my health.
I have managed to lose the two most stubborn pounds ever.




I weigh 178 pounds.



I've been very reluctant to say that number out loud for everyone else to know. I'm afraid half of you will be all, "Whatever. That's not a huge deal." and the other half will be, "Holy COW You're HUGE!"

In any case, I know my body and what's right for my body should be around 120. That takes into consideration the fact that I am less than 5 foot tall, but that I am NOT a fine boned little bird. I've got curves and hips and boobs and I have no desire to get rid of them. I do, however, have a desire to feel healthy and fit.

These last two pounds have been really hard to get rid of. For some reason, breaking the 180 barrier has been impossible for the last five years. Even though it is only 2 pounds, it feels like a huge difference to me. For someone taller maybe, two pounds might not be anything to mention. But for me? My clothes are just a little bit looser. My knees hurt a little bit less. My waist is a little more defined. All of that equates to a bit more confidence and energy. THAT is the real benefit losing weight for me.

I still have a tendency to beat myself up about still being SO BIG. I mean, think about it. If just TWO pounds makes a noticeable difference, just think how much 20 pounds affects me. Or how about 80.
Yep. When I first started , I had EIGHTY pounds to lose. Now I only have 60. Or more precisely, 58.
It still seems like such a large number to fathom.

I've got plans, though. Besides just continuing to make better choices about what I eat and drink, I have a sneaky little scheme in mind. I'm working on convincing my husband to get a Resistance Trainer. It's a setup that allows racers to use their own bikes for indoor training. Basically, you prop your bike up on the spinning wheel and suddenly you can ride your bike as many miles as you want without ever leaving the garage. My husband is completely on board with this, he is just deliberating over the model and features and price. I would be happy getting the low end starter model and riding it it till it breaks, but no. HE has to pour over every little detail to get the VERY BEST ONE. You see HE is the one that was on the amateur bicycle racing circuit back in the day. HE is the one lusting after a new fancy racing bike that weighs less than 8 pounds and has space age materials in the state-of-the-art parts and accessories. HE is the one that gets up early every July so he can see the coverage of the Tour de France live instead of waiting for the recap in the evenings. And I am the one who wants to go ahead and buy the contraption in the first place.

 I tried once to go riding with him but it was a miserable experience for both of us. I am the one who still manages to fall off a bike every time I go out in public. I get hot and tired too easily to keep up with him. After a few blocks, I'm worn out and ready to head home. He has to go a mile or two just to get his legs warmed up enough for a REAL ride. So, even though I know I will never actually get out and cycle on the open road (or even the neighborhood) I DO know that cycling is one of the few aerobic activities I can do without making my knees any worse than they already are. And instead of purchasing some huge, heavy machine that will cost more than I ever want to spend and take up more space that I have to spare, I will buy a small, non-electric device that will effectively turn my bicycle into an Exercycle. Plus, I can make my bike fit me more comfortably than any gigantic machine. Besides, talking HIM into a new gadget to ride "his" bike is a lot easier than say, convincing him to purchase a treadmill.

So, wish me luck on my new purchase. If I'm lucky, I'll have it sometime later this week and I'll let y'all know how it goes! I'll have more pictures for updates next week!

Deb "Shrinking" Lollar

Update coming soon

I'm working on a new post and it is taking me a little longer than I wanted it to. However, I said I would post once a week, so here is something pretty to look at while I keep editing.

This is a picture I took of a path through the woods that I felt was really inspiring.

There you have it! Enjoy your week and your weekend! If you like my other posts, you have permission to take a look at the archives and read about all the many hearts in my life.

Deb

Slow and steady does... somethingerother

Well, I missed my arbitrarily decided-on deadline of posting by Wednesday each week. But, I'm not about to "throw the baby out with the bathwater" or whatever that saying is. Basically, I'm not giving up on me and my Five Steps, just because I had a bad week. That's what ruins so many other people on Resolutions. All, or nothing. I'd rather just have SOMETHING.

I guess I kind of lost a pound this week. I splurged because I felt awful (everyone here had The Crud) last week, and maybe I had more than my share of cookies. I definitely drank too many colas and I sure didn't get any exercise. The Crud hit me pretty bad though, so I didn't really eat anything OTHER than cookies. I guess the calories kind of balanced out. Then, when I felt well enough to eat real food, I made the mistake of grabbing some fast food. Twice. The first time should have been enough of a warning when I nearly passed out from stomach cramps. But no, I decided to convince myself, "Maybe it was just a bad burger. I'll have the chicken strips instead. That should be fine. Right?" Yeah, not so smart.By the time I weighed myself this morning, I HAD lost about a pound. Not the way I would have liked, but a pound is a pound, right?

Because I felt yucky, I didn't feel up to beading or writing or anything at all this week. It was really just a cycle of Wake Up, Do What I Have To, Count Minutes Until I Can Gi Back To Bed.  Not a lot got done. I finally gave in yesterday and went to the doctor. Scott had to go to get a Dr's note so he could go back to work. Apparently, they were concerned he would pass around the Flu to his co workers... worry warts. I figured since he was going, I should go to since the headache that started Saturday was still hanging around after THREE separate doses of the Migraine-Be-Gone meds. So one Flu test (negative, by the way) and one Awesome Shot in the butt and I was off to Night-Night land for the next four hours. It was heaven.

Before The Crud ascended on me, I managed to have an amazingly awesome weekend. The family took a trip a few hours south and attended a Pow Wow for TIHA, one of the organizations we belong to. This was the BIG one that we have all been looking forward to. My darling eldest, Little Heart, was crowned Princess for 2014.

Yes, it looks like Little Heart has a goofy look on her face. That's actually her Normal Face.

 It is such a big honor, I can't even describe it. It's kind of like a pageant, except for this organization you usually don't have to perform to get chosen. Generally, you apply and then the members vote and that's it. For LH, there wasn't really a lot of competition, so the biggest deal about it was her getting up and volunteering.  But, the organization is not required to name a Princess, and if LH didn't want to do it, they could have found or appointed someone else, or just opted not to have one this year. She was really nervous, and isn't a girly-girl, so the idea of being a Princess wasn't all that appealing. However, the idea of doing something good for others IS her thing, so in the end, she chose to volunteer because it would make the family proud and and also because it would let her do some good for the organization.

 In any case, it IS a big honor as well as a major responsibility for LH and the rest of the family. My family is well known in the Native Community around this area and, even though we are as white as you can be, we have strong Native support from families that are Native. That makes a big difference.


We go to several Native Pow Wows every year, and this year, wherever we go, LH will be wearing the crown and sash and will be representing her Organization. Everything she does will be a little more public. Her actions will be noticed by Natives and non-Natives alike. All eyes will be on her while she is dancing. Little girls like to come up to Princesses and ask for their autographs. Heaven forbid she makes a mistake, she will have to pay for it in a very public way. (Indians have ways of handling this. Usually its with money.)

To say I am nervous is a huge understatement. I didn't grow up in this culture. Everything I know about it, I have learned from watching and asking questions. I no longer feel like an outsider the way I did 12 years ago, but I am very aware that I was not raised around the drum. It is supposed to be the Mother's and Grandmother's job to teach the girls, as it is the Father's and Grandfather's job to teach the boys. Except this Mother doesn't really know much more than my girl, and I don't have a Grandmother to go to. Not officially. I still feel like there is so much to learn, I don't even know what questions to ask. I'm half afraid of asking something and getting that look from an Elder woman that says, "Of course, water is wet."

Here is Fern, with LH on one side and DH on the other.

Thankfully, I DO have some people to go to. My husband's "adopted" Indian mother, Fern, is Comanche. Her family put him in an outfit and taught him to dance when he was a boy. They proudly claim him as Family in the way Indians do. When they say, "He is my Nephew." there are no questions about it. When they say, "He is my grandson." you had better be prepared to have them over for Thanksgiving dinner, because they are FAMILY. This woman is everything you would expect an Elder Comanche to be - stern, imposing even, but loving and kind. Her smiles are very difficult to earn, but they are well deserved when she gives them. She was there with us Saturday night as LH was crowned.Fern was right there, first on the floor after LH's first time around. "Bow here, like this. Now turn, this way. Head up, shoulders back. Now, raise your fan." It was beautiful. Now, Fern has a daughter by blood, as well as a granddaughter. But, looking at her teaching LH, you would have never known that they were anything but blood.

 The outfits that we are all wearing are made completely by DH. The larger pieces of bead work were made by some close friends of ours, but the dresses, moccasins, and all the other accessories have all been designed and created by DH. He's really good at it, as you can see.

Here is Evil Genius proudly sporting her minks in her hair. She has named them Chip and Dale.

And Tiny Dancer in her Fancy Dance outfit. The bead work came first and the rest of the outfit was based on that.

 As you can see, the whole family is part of this. My girls have the advantage of being raised in The Circle around the drum. The younger two have been kicking their legs to the beat since before they could walk. They wanted to dance before they could run. They have learned the Right Way just from being exposed to it.When they make a mistake, it is forgiven because they are children.  No matter what, I always know they are safe when we are at a Pow Wow. They are with family.

Look, I was there too! Here I am, helping the girls get ready. Again.

 So, this is how I spent my last weekend. I'll probably be spending many more weekends this year in exactly the same way. Well, maybe not exactly. I probably won't be dressing up in my regalia for most of this year. Firstly, because I have to make sure the girls are dressed and ready and that alone is enough to keep me busy. I don't usually have time to dress up myself. Secondly, I'm afraid my dress doesn't fit me too well, anymore. I've lost enough weight now that it is TOO BIG! Woo hoo! I've told DH that he can wait awhile before making me another one though. He's got enough projects on his plate with the other girls outgrowing things nearly as fast as he can make them.

I want to thank you all for reading and following along with me on my journey of ups and downs. I hope you all enjoy the peek into the craziness that is my life.
Please feel free to Like, Comment, or Share as you see fit. I always welcome questions.

Deb "Busybody" Lollar