Happy Spring!

Last week with the extra girls around, I had a pretty good time being the "fun" aunt. No, I didn't let them get away with anything they wouldn't do at home. I'm very consistent with my behavior expectations, even to my nieces and nephews. I just find it is SO much easier to do nice things for kids when you expect them to be nice in return. Kids will always rise to meet your expectations.

I didn't get to do everything I wanted to last week. There were a few days in a row of "bad days" that messed with my mellow, but I did get to enjoy plenty of outdoor fun, sleepover craziness, and special treats with the houseful of girls that I had. My only regret is that I didn't remember to catch every single moment on film. I got a few pictures, but not nearly enough. I need to be better about that.... all these golden moments slipping away. My memory is so horrible that I almost rely on photographic evidence to piece together the fun times I've had. Maybe someday soon I will be less afraid to actually GET IN the picture. Maybe after another 30 or so pounds are gone...

Now that the kids are back to school, the house is settling back into the routine of "normalcy" again. My days are much more active than they used to be now that I have Daisy to look after. I get at least 15 minutes of walks in - even on a bad day. On a good day, I might walk her 1/2 a mile or more. While the main responsibility usually falls to LH, I don't mind the excuse to get moving. The darn scale must have been glued because it still won't budge downward a bit, but I am improving every day with less pain and more energy.

Something occurred to me today while I was out running errands with Daisy wagging happily in the back seat - having Daisy with us feels very natural. She fits into our life very well and the kids say it feels like she has always been with us. She does things that R.O. never did, like play fetch with squeaky toys, go for rides in the car just for fun, or curl up on the couch with us. Just thinking of that, though, brought back the pain of missing him so distinctly that it was as if we had come home to his dog tags on the door just yesterday. I had a dream this morning about all the old things of my past and while I couldn't SEE him in the dream, I knew he was there.

It feels odd to miss a pet so much. Growing up, we never had a pet for more than a few years or so and there was never much ceremony about getting one or losing one. Having R.O. for 10 years, though... he was a part of my life longer than one of my kids. He was such an easy and laid back dog, that sometimes I wouldn't think about him being there. Now that he is gone, though, I feel like I wasted all the time I could have been playing with him. I regret that I didn't groom him more, which caused him to scratch, which caused me to be irritated with his fidgeting. I wasn't a very good pet owner, I don't think, leaving him home overnight while we went out of town. I guess I'm just going through the normal grieving process, and it doesn't really hurt any less that it was my pet I lost instead of a human. It isn't on my mind as often, but it is just as painful. I try to be comforted at the thought of him running through the fields in heaven, herding sheep like a work dog should, his fur is thick and shiny, and enjoying all the DQ fries he can eat.

I have to put my sadness aside for now. The kids are home from school and there is homework to be finished, chores to be done, walks to be had, and dinner to be ... attempted. (I'm still not sure what we're having.) On this rainy, windy day I hope each of you is blessed with a fresh breeze of the new season to come.

Deb

So many new things...

The reason I haven't been posting much is because I've been too darn busy! We got a new four-footed addition to our family - Miss Daisy Mae - and I've had my hand full helping everyone get used to having a doggie around again. She's part lab, part terrier (probably corgi) and she is just the sweetest little thing. She is small, which is awesome for many reasons, and she is pretty well house trained, nicely crate trained, and is an absolute dream to walk. The walking thing is a big deal for me, because I walk her about half the time. She is technically LH's pet because it was her friend that gave her to us and because she had known LH longer than any of us. The rest of the family pitches in their fair share, but by the way she follows LH around everywhere and sleeps in her room, we all know who Daisy's favorite is. I'm ok with this. I have wanted a boxer puppy for the longest time, and I still plan on getting one eventually. So, LH can keep Daisy and I'll keep looking for a wrestling buddy for DH and a jogging buddy for me. Ok, maybe not jogging... but at least a dog that wants to take longer strolls than just around the cul de sac.

Other than adopting Daisy, things have been pretty busy elsewhere in the house, too. We are into Spring Break right now so I have taken one of my nieces for the week. Awesome is around the same age as EG and TD, so it is kind of like having triplets instead of twins running around. I've been trying to find all sorts of thing to keep them busy, like living room forts, sidewalk chalk art, and trips to the park. I still have a few days left of this week and I am running out of cheap/free/low mess ideas, so any suggestions you all have would be greatly appreciated. Did I mention I would rather they be outside or quiet? Yeah... especially quiet.

While trying to keep my own sanity intact, I have been hanging out on Pintrest a WHOLE bunch and I have some really great ideas and inspirations in the works. DH and I have overhauled and dejunked the craft area so there is plenty of room to work and most of our supplies are within easy reach. My biggest issue now is that the overhead light in the office/craft room has gone on the fritz so the amount of light I have in the most comfortable place to sit is limited. We will have to call in a contractor to get the light fixed so I really have no idea how long it will be before I can craft at my desk again. Anyone know any really good and really cheap electricians?

I get to cut this short now since Daisy needs to go out AGAIN and the "triplets" are about to rip each other apart over "singing and judging each other" while they attempt to (poorly) help with the dishes.

Wish me luck! I'm going to need it...

Deb "The Crazy Aunt" Lollar 

Another Year Older ...

Saturday was my birthday and for once, it didn't suck. In fact, it didn't even come close to sucky. Actually, the past few weeks have been pretty darn good.

Now, I don't normally expect to get birthday presents and I'm ok with that. In my house we have made a tradition of birthdays being about having fun and spending time with family and friends. For the kids, there are usually one or two small gifts, but they aren't really the highlight of the day and I like it that way. Besides that my birthday is barely two months after Christmas, so I generally don't have a wish list yet. This year all I asked for was that I could go to a salon for a hair make-over. In November, right before my littlest sister got married, I put a "temporary" red wash in my hair to spice things up a bit. Nearly four months later it was still there but faded and rather ugly (think across between tomato juice and orange crayons.) I knew I would need professional help to take care of it so a week or so ago I found an excellent salon nearby and managed to get a same-day appointment with their top colorist. The stylist was amazing and I don't think my hair has looked this good in years! It cost plenty (as I knew it would) but you really do get what you pay for. Even though it was a few weeks early, I counted it as my birthday gift and I thought that would be it for me this year.
 
Imagine my surprise when both my husband AND my father presented me with gifts a few days later! First, DH went out and found the small handheld sewing machine that I have been looking at since I bought WP one for Christmas. I had the choice of opening it then or waiting until my actual birthday, but I couldn't wait and I've already used it twice. A few days later, WP drove down to hang out for the day and brought me a really awesome yarn and ribbon rack that he made himself out of PVC. Again, it was early, but of course, I didn't mind!

If nothing else happened to commemorate my birthday, I would be just fine with it, but things kept getting better. My favorite Native American Pow Wow of the year just happened to fall on my birthday this year and we all planned on going. Friday night, however, DH told me that he wanted to take me out for dinner since we wouldn't be able to do anything but the pow wow on my actual birthday. LH had a friend stay overnight so we left TD and EG with them and had a child free night without having to pay for a sitter! We had a nice, quiet evening out enjoying dinner, drinks, and dessert without kiddos in two. No public humiliation or waitstaff singing "Happy Birthday" at the top of their lungs. Just an incredible dinner paired with the perfect wine and delicious dessert to wrap it up.

The next morning I got to sleep in without interruption and I woke up refreshed and ready to take on the world. DH always has a lot to do to get ready for a pow wow but the morning was free for me. So, I took the opportunity to do a little bit of shopping FOR MYSELF!!!! Boy did I need it, too! I was down to one pair of jeans (without holes in conspicuous places), two pair of gym shorts, and a handful of t-shirts. With the little bit of weight I managed to lose over the last month I haven't really dropped a dress size or anything, but I have built up my self esteem enough that I want to look halfway decent when I leave the house.

I drove out to my favorite department store - the one with the awesome petite section - and took my time searching through the clearance section for great deals. I found plenty! I even treated myself to some new foundation wear and some comfy (yet stylish) sneakers. It feels so wonderful to have clothes that fit comfortably, are flattering to my figure instead of covering me up, and are even fashionable and classy. The new bra makes me look at least five pounds thinner! Between the new hair do and the fabulous wardrobe I feel like I won an extreme makeover!

The rest of the day was just perfect, as well. I got home just in time to help everyone braid their hair (it's traditional to wear braids with your pow wow regalia.) I wore one of my new outfits and felt like a million bucks. The girls were all in great moods and everyone had a good time dancing and eating fry bread and scrambling for candy. At the end of the night, we even managed to get the girls (and the husband) changed and out the door before the last of the vendors had packed up. Normally we are the LAST ones out of the building. The girls were exhausted from all the fun so we had no trouble getting them to bed and they even slept in the next morning.

We wrapped up the weekend with a slow day. The weather was just amazing outside so the kids got to go out and run off some cabin fever and DH got to take care of some work in the garage. Unfortunately, I was right in the middle of rearranging the office when The Migraine hit. I figured a perfect weekend was too much to pay for. I guess I had to pay somehow for all the fun I had. I was SO frustrated! After being so happy and energetic it felt awful to have to crawl into bed and cover up my head. I was in too much pain to consider anything else. I did, however, have a few more weapons in my arsenal than I usually do. I don't take any of the meds that are specifically made to combat migraines anymore because the side effects end up being as bad as the migraine. Instead, I used the TENS Unit that Dr The Mann gave me and it actually worked! It wasn't a quick fix; it took a few hours to get the pain to go completely away. The fact that it DID go away was miraculous! I don't know if this will work for every headache, but I am going to try this first from now on. Today I still have a bit of a headache, but it is bearable compared to what it was like yesterday.

So that was how my birthday weekend went. How did you spend your time? Did you have awesome weather like we did here in Texas? Let me know!

Deb Lollar

I just had another awesome daytime nap dream. In this one I moved to Colorado. My sisters moved there too so we could see each other all the time. My husband ran a van/bus rental place, I became a vet, and we had a huge house that we were slowly remodeling. The property was huge with a large storage shed in one place and another very large barn right near it. It was early November and there had been a huge snowfall so a lot of our kids' friends  were running around and making snowmen and having fun. I remember realizing money was not an issue. The vehicle rental was just to make extra cash and to have a hobby. I didn't have a real vet's practice. I mostly just helped out people locally with their pets out of my home. I walked through the house and saw each room and noticed what still needed to be done with them. It wasn't a cause of worry or guilt,, just that I was remembering things I had to do...eventually. One room was a nursery that we had started to paint pink, but ended up painting over it with blue because I had a boy instead of a girl. I got the feeling that it was unplanned, but a very wonderful surprise, nonetheless.

I walked around the property and saw all of the kids having fun in the snow. I knew that it was only because this was the first REAL snowfall of the year. After a few days everyone would get used to it again, but for now it was cool to see everyone enjoying themselves. I walked through the alley between the two storage buildings and found something I had been looking for wedged under the wall of the storage shed. It was a Santa Clause Suit with real fur and bells.It was too far for me to reach it so I took my husband to where I found it so he could retrieve it and put it where it belonged in the barn storage. I distinctly remember the dark feeling of the storage shed and then the bright, happy interior of the huge barn where many things  were stored until we needed them. It wasn't packed very full, but there were stacks of boxes everywhere  piled neatly. Most of out belongings were in here so the house could be as empty as possible while we were rebuilding. I didn't miss my things or feel the urge to look for anything. I knew it was all safe there and it would be ready for me when I needed it. The area where we stored Christmas decorations was full of boxes and decorations, some of them too large to be boxed up. I can remember the way the light filled the room from the high windows and the smell of the air. You could tell it used to hold animals, but it wasn't a bad smell. Just an earthy, animal smell.

Once we placed the suit where it belonged, my husband went off to the van rental office because he local school had a field trip planned for the day and they always called him to borrow a van or bus. He gave them a good deal compared to the normal school buses and the kids got to ride in comfortable, fancy vehicles. the kids were all showing up and getting in a line for the trip. You could tell they all knew it was a special trip and they were excited but also trying very hard to behave because they knew to be on their best behavior when they got to ride in the special buses.

I took a moment to look around the property before heading into the house. I could see our multiple acres stretching out all around me, covered with snow, and I felt satisfied that it was all mine. I could see the shapes of mountains far off and that made me happy, too. I headed back into the house and walked into the kitchen area, which wasn't completely furnished yet. There was a fully working kitchen on the basement floor that would work for us until the kitchen remodeling was done. I walked up the stairs to the attic floor, and my sister in-law was there. She was gathering cloth and decorations because someone in our family would be getting married in a few weeks. When Thanksgiving got here I would be putting up a lot of the family for the holiday dinner and for the wedding that would happen that weekend.  I wasn't panicked that nothing was ready or that I had so much to do in such a short time. I knew that what needed to be done would be done and what didn't get done wasn't so important that it had to be rushed.

I remember the sense of peace that I felt during the whole dream. I was in and out of wakefulness so sometimes I would ask myself a question like, how did I get here? How far in the future is it? I always found a reasonable answer that wasn't filled with regret or sadness. I was so happy when I woke up that it took me a little while to remember that this all had been a dream and that I hadn't been thinking about plans that have actually been made.

Pretty cool, huh? It sounds like my mind is making plans for my future without me!

Deb "The Dreamer" Lollar

Valentine's Day...again....

Have I ranted about Valentine's Day before? Other than how much I really, really have no desire to get chocolates today (or any other day?) Or how shortening the name to VD sounds like a communicable disease. And using V-Day isn't really proper either, considering it is also the name for the anniversary of the day we "won" WWII (if you can ever really win a war.)
 
The way I see it, Valentines Day is for lovers still trying to impress each other. I do actually feel it is totally acceptable to make this day an excuse to express feelings that may or may not have been expressed before. However, vying for the same chocolate dipped strawberries and super-sized balloon as every other person at the grocery store is just silly. If there is someone that you want to impress or express your feelings to, go ahead, just do it in a personal and reasonable way. Going "all out" is just setting  a dangerous precedence. Every year  you have to prove that THIS DAY of all days is better than the one last year and (more importantly) is better for you than for any of your friends, frenemies, or co-workers. You end up with a chocolate and rose-filled arms race! Besides, can you really confess true love to someone while crammed together with 40,000 other couples doing the exact same thing? It sounds a bit questionable to me.

So, if you don't have a lover then you are off the hook and be thankful you don't have to buy crappy chocolate and overpriced flowers that will die in the next few days anyway. Do something special to remind yourself that You love You. Every morning and every night YOU are the only one that for SURE you will be with, so make every moment you have by yourself count. Love yourself and treat yourself as wonderfully as you want. You already know what flavor ice cream you like best or which dance club you enjoy most. If you have been putting off doing something luxurious for yourself, take the excuse. Book a massage or buy that game you've really been wanting. Please don't sit at home alone and be mopey or depressed. Remember - there are thousands of people out there that would cut off a limb to get a night alone doing whatever THEY want to do. You are in an extremely enviable position.

Also, if you already have someone and you both are already impressed with each other, you should be let off the hook, too. For starters, you shouldn't have to wait until Valentine's Day to do something special. Why not choose ANY OTHER DAY of the year and make it special so that you and your sweetie can enjoy each other without the rush and bustle and exchange personal and/or sexy gifts that are specific to your own tastes. Just agree between the two of you that some other date can be special and romantic and filled with sweet treats and goofy cards. Maybe it's an anniversary of a date that is special to the two of you - wedding, or first kiss, or whatever you like to remember - just make it meaningful and go with it. You will not regret it (and neither will your credit card.)


Now, in spite of this all, I'm not really OFFENDED at the idea of showering your sweetie/spouse/domestic partner/future lover with some attention, affection, and maybe a heartfelt gift. I just think maybe people make too big a deal about it. Ok... Actually, WOMEN make too big a deal about it. I mean, seriously! Why should we demand that someone "gifts" you or else their unworthiness will be punished and posted on every social media network available. Why must so many of my fellow females compare the "romantic" overtures and gifts received to every other year and/or every other person getting gifts around you. It just isn't nice or fair. Didn't Momma teach you better manners than that?  Why can't we all just agree to take things less seriously?


While this sounds a whole lot like "sour grapes" I assure you it is not because of being slighted in any way during the "season of lovers." In fact, I have had some pretty stellar dates - and gifts - for the sake of Valentines Day. The reality just never measures up to the expectations. What on earth am I going to do with a stuffed animal holding a dinky red heart pillow?  Dinner out at a jazz club sounds divine, doesn't? It isn't so awesome when the place is packed to the walls, so noisy you can't hear the band, and you are only allowed to sit at the table for so long before you are rudely ushered out because someone else has reservations, too. And have you SEEN the price of roses? Not today... four weeks ago. Or a month from now. It is outrageous how prices are inflated during the first two weeks of February! Why on earth would you WANT someone to pay THAT MUCH MORE for something that isn't worth nearly that much on any other day of the year. For the price of a dozen, I could get a new pair of shoes. Buy me a rose in July. I'd much rather have the shoes today, thank you.

Since I have three daughters, I am a bit torn on how to handle this with them. The oldest one has a steady boyfriend, and I know she expects a lot of insanity like all the other high school girls do. I am thankful that the other two haven't reached this stage yet. For them, Valentine's is just another excuse to eat Red 40 laden cookies and candy and exchange papers covered with goofy pictures and puns they don't really understand. For teens - especially girls - it is so much bigger, and crazier, and filled with expectations that teenaged boys seldom know how to deliver on. I know this year just didn't pan out like LH wanted and I know she is a bit disappointed. The fact is, she has a beautiful gift and card for her beau and I know she REALLY wanted to see him TODAY to give it to him, but she didn't get to and I don't know what to say. I'm pretty sure anything I try to say will come across as cold and heartless because, you know... I'm GROWN-UP and I just don't UNDERSTAND!!! I can only hope for her sake - and the sake of her poor clueless boyfriend - that she mellows out a bit.


Before I wrap this up, I need to mention a wonderful group of people for whom Valentine Day means something a little bit different. Here in Texas, our Governor has declared February 14th Congenital Heart Defect (or CHD) Awareness Day. If I have my facts straight, this was largely spearheaded by a wonderful mother who's son was born with the same defect as my Little Heart - hypo-plastic left heart syndrome (or HLHS.) This "Heart Mom", as I like to call her, won several pageants in the area and used her position to petition for this day and this week to be dedicated to this cause. She has always thought the symbol of the heart that is everywhere right now could be used as an additional reminder of the thousands of babies born each year with a CHD. Some of them live totally normal lives and you would never know their ticker wasn't perfect. Many of them, however, lead a life filled with doctors, medications, surgeries, and the constant reminder that while they often don't look different on the outside, they are very different from their peers. Sadly, far too many of these babies never live to see their first birthday or even leave the hospital. Without a doctor who is trained, alert, and lucky many babies miss being diagnosed with a heart defect before it is too late to treat them. So, just keep LH in mind the next time your kids bring home a Jump Rope for Heart brochure or you have the chance to donate a dollar to the American Heart Association or even your local Children's  hospital. Amazing things can happen with enough support and awareness. Also, become an organ donor. The life you save will be someone else's.

One more thing - Happy Birthentines Day to Spike, my awesome littlest sister who is now living out her happily ever after with her darling Walrus and her Baby Bucket to be...

Deb "Humbug" Lollar

Thank's for your support!

I wanted to say Thank You to all those who have contacted me personally and publicly since my last post. It seems like such a small thing, but just a few words of encouragement, an offer to come visit, even a "thumbs up" that you liked a post - these things all help me feel more human and better connected.

I wasn't really prepared for the emotional crap-storm that happened shortly after I finished that last post. Apparently, just reading it, several of you could see what was going to happen. To me it just came out of the blue. I was sad, confused, angry, and upset with myself for letting the emotions spiral out of control that way. (No one ever said crazy people are logical.) In 36 hours I went from mildly disappointed, to feeling kind of blah, then crashed to depression so bad I didn't get out of bed to answer the phone. When I told my husband I was having a bad day he told me he would be home all night for me (no meetings or appointments) but instead of cuddling on the couch and watching NCIS with him, I crawled into bed and stayed there until I was woken up at 4:00 in the morning by a nightmare. The emotions of the day came crashing back to me and I felt even more worthless than before. I felt as if I was throwing a toddler style tantrum in my mind - screaming for something and as soon as I get it, it isn't good enough and I want something else.

I don't write all of this out to ask people to feel sorry for me. Pity doesn't really help anyway. The reason I share this stuff is because I am sure that I am not alone in feeling like this. Maybe someone else deals with the same thing but feels alone and weird about it, just like I used to? Just knowing that you aren't the only one can sometimes be the spark that gets you moving towards recovery. I know it was for me.

Today is much better than the last few days were. I won't say I'm completely over this little bump in the road, but I recognize how it feels to be in the recovery stages of a crash like that. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that this bout didn't last longer than it did but I think I know why I have been able to beat it down this time. I really wanted to share this part because I know that sharing problems isn't right unless you share the solutions you have as well. Otherwise it is just called complaining.

The way I managed to snap out of this isn't because of some miraculous drug or new-wave technique. It is because I decided to ACKNOWLEDGE that this type of deep and sudden depression is not natural. Something causes it to happen that isn't normal so something extra or different must be done to make it go away. It won't go away on its own. This let me accept that I needed to ASK someone for HELP. In my case, help usually comes from giving myself permission to speak out loud about what is going through my head. The third step is ACCEPTING the help and FORGIVING myself for asking for it. Yes, asking for help makes me feel guilty because I don't want to make someone else feel bad for me or wear someone else out with my over-charged emotions. This process is in some ways more difficult and way more simple than it sounds. It doesn't work for everyone and it doesn't always work this way every time. All I know is I was a miserable, crying, mess two days ago but today I am up and dressed and writing. 

As soon as I am able to realize that these bouts of depression are not natural and are not my fault I can begin to separate the icky, gray, self-loathing from the normal thoughts that should be going through my head. This is so very important for me because I am a very visual-minded person. I have to be able to see a problem in my head to find a solution for it. In this case I imagined I could SEE my Grey Monster, sitting there lounging in my head and making itself comfortable. I visualized myself standing in front of it and yelling, "Get Out NOW! You are not welcome. GO away. I don't need you."
I can't say exactly WHY this worked, but after a few minutes of repeating this visualization, I felt stronger and more calm.

Now, I am not saying it was easy or immediate or that making this choice made me instantly feel better. All it did was give me permission to look for help. That is a major step in the right direction, though, because no one can really accept help without acknowledging their need for it AND their right to accept it. Before I got to this point, I went over to my #1 sister's house and talked with her a little. I was still a miserable mess, but sometimes getting out of the house can make me feel better, at least for awhile. My sister likes to help people feel better and she has researched a lot of ways that people can help each other specifically in the areas of clinical depression. I won't lie, though. I wasn't ready to hear any of it. I let her talk and I listened, and I talked and she listened but the Grey Monster still had a hold of my brain at that point. Talking things out, I was able to kind of see what had triggered the avalanche of nastiness, but trying to overcome it at that point was just not happening.

THAT point didn't come until early the next morning. It was 4:00 in the morning. The nightmare had just startled me awake and I was huddled in bed sobbing quietly so as not to wake up DH. Yeah, I know that sounds pretty pathetic, and at the time it was. It was also beyond my control until I was able to come to terms with the fact that this was not something I was capable of handling on my own.  At first, this understanding only helped to calm me down enough that I could stop crying and go back to sleep. But once I woke up the next day, I was able to see the emotional meltdown for what it was - a minor setback - and decide on plans for getting back on track.

First, I took advantage of the hour or so of quiet time I have with DH in the morning. The time between dropping the kids off at school and him leaving for work is the one time we can really be alone and uninterrupted during the day. Being able to talk things out without worrying about the kids is amazingly liberating. I think I probably needed that more than anything else.

After that, I took some time out to take care of myself with a good shower, comfy clothes, and even a little makeup. Going through the motions of fixing my hair and face kind of puts me in the frame of mind that I am worth spending a little time on.  It puts me in a better mood no matter what, and I am more likely to make better choices for me for the rest of the day.

Then, I started cleaning up the mess I made while slumping around all day. I sent an a-mail apologizing for missing one of my appointments. This is a big deal because on my low days I have often missed an appointment somewhere and didn't call or notify them. Then, when I come out of the funk I am so embarrassed for being rude and inconsiderate that I would rather go somewhere else than have to face the person I stood up. That's also when I read through my e-mails and checked FB and saw all the encouraging words from you guys. I started to feel like things really would be alright again.

Just to let you all know - you are free to forward my posts or recommend them to someone you think might enjoy them. If I write something that can help someone, make a person feel better about themselves, or spread some joy somewhere, then I can say my writing is "Affective" and that would make be so very proud.

Deb "Doing Better" Lollar

Frustrated

I am starting to reach the point where I am getting frustrated with all the "trying to get healthier" stuff. I've been recording everything I eat and do. According to my food log, I generally eat fewer calories than I am "allowed" plus I am drinking more water, increasing activity above and beyond the trips to see Dr Hawt, and still the scale refuses to budge.  I'm going into my third week of this with basically no results. Now, I didn't expect to drop ten pounds or anything like that, but even a teeny tiny drop would be welcome. I am EXACTLY the same weight I was just over a week ago...and the week before that.

I think the worst part is, I haven't had to change my habits all that much to align with the Dr's orders. Why is that bad? Well, if I was already doing the right things before, why haven't I seen any progress over the last few years? It doesn't give me much hope that working my butt off like this will be any more beneficial. Now that I have made the changes he wants AND increased my activity, I'm STILL not seeing results. I know it won't happen overnight and I know that I'm not supposed to expect dramatic changes so soon, but isn't three weeks long enough to notice SOMETHING? 

If you look at my overall health, I have definitely seen improvements there. I don't often need a nap during the day, I am sleeping better at night (finally!) and I have more energy during the day- especially in the afternoons and evenings when I used to have the hardest time. I've been checking my blood sugar level every few days and it is stable in the low end of normal. I'm actually seeing vast improvements in my pain levels to the point where I actually take less pain medicine than I used to. I still have general aches and tenderness, but the sharp pains that used to keep me from doing anything at all are much easier to deal with. All of this and I am much more interested in doing little things for myself like wearing flattering clothes instead of sweatpants and putting on make-up when I go out. I guess that means my self esteem is improving, too.

Now, I'm not really complaining. As you can see, I have found so much good to come of these dr visits that I wouldn't dream of stopping. I am just disappointed in the lack of visible changes.

Also, I have this nagging fear that has been gnawing at the back of my mind. What if this is just like all those times where I started a new job and felt good for a few weeks, but it was only a streak of some good days that happen right before I fall on my face. When the bad days start creeping up again (because it is inevitable that they will) how am I going to feel then? Will I still be able to drag myself to the doctor?  Will I end up in so much pain that I am out of commission for days? Will I backslide on the eating plan and gain back anything I manage to lose?

I really am proud with how far I've come. I guess I'm just a teeny bit sad it isn't more obvious and a whole lot worried that it isn't going to last.

Deb "Worry Wart" Lollar