One Day at a Time

I have my third appointment with Dr Hawt and his assistant Mr Yum tomorrow morning. I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it.  Today I was feeling the second day soreness from Tuesday's session. It is so hard to get excited about something I know will hurt. I must keep reminding myself that I all of this will be worth it eventually. 

Dr Hawt talked about following a Mediterranean Style Diet and I am slowly but surely working towards that. It is as much a lifestyle as a diet and it isn't something I can just jump into. I thought I was doing pretty good until I REALLY looked at what I am eating by writing it down. First of all, I need a lot more variety in the veggies I keep around. I will eat fresh veggies and salad if it is there, but I can't really expect anyone else to. Only one other person in the family might eat the sort of stuff I do, so I feel like I am being selfish when I stock up on things like that.

Another thing I really must do is break away from as much of the sugar in my diet as I can. Of course, that means cutting out colas, but it also means baked goods are pretty much off limits. I've been using small bites of chocolate or a handful of M&M's to satisfy the worst of the sugar cravings, but I need to let those go. I may still need to find a substitute that will help get me through but isn't as bad as the over-processed sugary stuff that my body has gotten used to. That is going to be so friggin' hard. I can't even describe it. It feels all at once like having the training wheels taken off the bike and having a favorite blanket ripped cruelly away. A I being overly emotional about this? Maybe, but it is a very emotional thing for me.

I was in denial about emotional eating for a long time. Thinking back, though, I have had a habit of restricting my food intake and binging since I was in high school. The big problem with that, of course, is that I used food against myself and gave it way too much of the wrong kind of power. By punishing myself with hunger and rewarding myself with "treats" I gave myself all the pieces of an eating disorder puzzle. I did it to myself, too, and I have to own up to that fact if I ever want to get through this mess with a healthier body. I can look back and see that I had a boyfriend in high school that had a very negative impact on my self image, but it might have been as much because I was looking for that in myself. Comparing myself to my three thin and beautiful sisters has never been a good idea, but I have always done it. It is sometimes painful to visit with them and see their super thin figures and then look down at the whale that I have become. Knowing that I way nearly twice what they do is so discouraging. It isn't their fault though. They were made differently. I have always been and will always be the thicker and curvier version of them. I need to somehow reconcile this act in my head and love myself for who I am and still keep the desire to improve my health. I really don't understand how to do that. Maybe it is because exercise for the sake of exercising has always been uncomfortable at best and downright painful most of the rest of the time. My body style dictates that I need to include regular rigorous cardio to keep my body healthy and trim. I would need to do that even if I hadn't yo-yo'd my weight and taken too many wrong medications. The fact that I never really have just makes the whole mess even bigger. Literally.

Several years ago I took up yoga. I had a few pounds to lose here and there so I joined a gym. Once I realized that all the weight training machines were built completely wrong for someone my size and the cardio classes were just an exercise in public humiliation, I joined the yoga class twice I week. I attended for more than a year and kept on doing the stretches and poses at home even after the gym closed down. I stopped for a little while when I became pregnant with EG, but I got an opportunity to start up again when I worked fo a children's gym and got to teach several classes of yoga to the kids every week. Those few years were the healthiest I have ever felt. Somehow I want to get back there. That was a very long time ago, though. I am so afraid that I will never be able to get back to living with energy and without pain. I am discouraged by the thought that I have damaged my body so much through neglect and bad choices that I will never look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.

60 pounds is a lot to lose.

Deb "The Chubby One" Lollar

P.S. To my parents who will undoubtedly read this - None of this is your fault. You have always given me the best sort of love and support and always make me feel beautiful and loved. Thank you for that. I needed it and appreciated it a lot more than I ever told you.

D.B.