Saturday, September 18, 2010

Closer to "fine"

Yes, that is a line from one of my favorite songs. The Indigo Girls paint such a beautiful picture of life.

Anyway, today I feel a little closer to feeling "fine." I have been looking forward to this weekend for a very long time. There wasn't any big events planned or anything like that. This is the weekend that DH gets to "move back" home. For the last several weeks, he has only been here on the weekends, but now, since we have our own internet connection, he is able to work from home part of the week. That adds up to only a few days where he has to stay with his parents so he can be closer to work.

I have missed him so very much. I have come to realize over the last few weeks that I would make a pretty lousy single mom. On most mornings I am not alert enough to find two matching shoes, let alone drive the kids to school. In the afternoons I am distracted and short of temper. By the time dinner time rolls around, I am already tired and if I manage to make it all the way to bed time without blowing up, I'm doing good. Somehow with DH around, just knowing I have backup for when I need it makes me feel stronger. Maybe I am afraid to let him see how bad I really feel. The girls will love me no matter what, but maybe I am still a touch nervous that if he doesn't see me doing my best all the time he will be disappointed in me. That's a ridiculous, thought, really. If he was going to hold any of this against me, he would have a long time ago.

This next week will be really important. I have managed to secure a part-time gig transcribing again. I should start working three nights a week starting next weekend. That is also the week that culinary school is supposed to start for me. It appears that is I keep with this schedule, I will go from no work, to full time school and part time work all at once. That scares me quite a bit. A few people have told me, quite honestly, that they don't think I can handle it. Well, you know how I feel about that. But, the truth is, I don't know if I can handle it either. I have crashed and burned so many times in so many ways. Jumping feet first into something like this will either be a wonderful experience or a very large disappointment.

Something else I am worried about is how the kiddos will handle all this. Most days I will be at school the same time they will. They can walk home from school (in spite of their opinion that it is torture to do so) and I will be home shortly after they are. A few nights a week I will go right from school to work. By the time I get home it will be way past their bed time so I will be relying on DH to handle that for me and also for them to be able to handle it as well. My recent attempts to work in the evenings have met with less-than-positive feedback from them. How am I supposed to get motivated to leave the house when I have three sets of puppy dog eyes begging me not to go?

I am coming up against a strange lack of motivation even with the support of my family. Friday I was supposed to go my school to finish filling out paperwork. Friday afternoon got there and I was swamped with a thousand things to do and was still waiting on service people to show up and turn on certain utilities. So I called my contact in admissions and rescheduled for today. This morning, I woke up and cooked a wonderful breakfast and felt great, and then about an before I was supposed to leave, I felt like crap. I got the first real headache I have had in weeks and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. I know me when I feel that way. It is a sign that I need to rest because if I don't, I will crash hard and spend the next three days trying to recover. So, I called and rescheduled again.

This whole thing is starting to worry me a bit. If I can't make a meeting on a Saturday afternoon, what does that say about my dedication and drive? Why do I let pain and fatigue take over at times like this? Is my brain causing a strange sort of failure on purpose, before I really start achieving my goals?  Does fear try to shut me down so I don't start something else only to fail again? Am I afraid of failing or am I really afraid of succeeding? Maybe I have accepted failure as the status quo and my brain doesn't want to adjust to change.
I am not sure, really. A therapist would have a grand old time picking apart my thoughts and actions. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. A day off. A day to relax and reflect and prepare for the week ahead. We have planned to go to the local church to check it out and maybe have friends or family over for dinner. I need to spend the day deciding what I am going to do. Will I use the drive and excitement I felt last week to push me to do better and different things with my life? Or, will I let fear dictate my life and paralyze me?

1 comment:

  1. Deb,

    You are a very strong woman. Health & fear do play a huge role in your day to day life.

    You have successfully raised your oldest, and other two though, with great admiration from not only me. So, I also see succeeding as a strong point in your life.

    If I may, I'd like to suggest starting each day in communication with God. Thanking Him for the least to the most in your life. Asking Him for guidance and strength.

    Then, start with one thing first. Either school or work for a couple weeks to a month or maybe longer. Check in with your family to see how they are doing. Then, add the other.

    If your school has a guidance counselor - you may wish to discuss your concerns with that person. They can be very helpful & you shouldn't have to pay to talk with them.

    I know one thing - and that is: You have to believe you can succeed. If you don't believe in yourself, you set yourself up for failure.

    BELIEVE in YOURSELF. You are important.

    Bless you Sweetheart. I am praying for you, and I believe in you, in whatever you decide to do.

    Love, Debi Yvonne (Jessie's Mom)