Thursday, April 28, 2011

Making My Day

Some days, the only thing keeping me going is the little things. The critters all coming up to hug me throughout the day for no apparent reason (sometimes they aren't even plotting anything!) Someone else making a pitcher of iced tea (can't drink straight water in this town but I'll drink tea all day instead of cola if it's already there.) Walking in my bedroom and seeing the bed neatly made and pretty (the rest of the house might be - or actually is - a disaster, but a pretty bedroom makes me smile.) Getting a call from WP just to say I love you (he earns his title of Wonderful very easily.)

I've been moody and full of ups and downs all week (as my last post will show) and my highs are just not balancing out the lows. I only barely made it out of bed this afternoon. The fact that dinner is in the oven, and that I prepared it, is a bit of a miracle I think. I might have been flying on clouds last week because things were going so well, but this week just hasn't measured up. It's almost like, as soon as I get a stretch of "good" days, I am not allowed to get used to it before a string of "bad" days comes right up.

Perhaps I need to restructure my standards. It used to be that things like showering, eating regularly, showing up for work on time, and making dinner were just part of my day. I wasn't surprised that these things would happen. They always just did. How I long for those days again! What I wouldn't give to be able to go through days and weeks, or even months, able to live like a normal person who works and really LIVES. I feel like I am only living a half-life; as if I am only really here half the time. The rest of my time seems wasted. I have nothing to show for it.

Well, if I only have half the time I used to, I had better make the most of it, shouldn't I? How can make every moment count? How can I concentrate my life and use it to fill the hours I have instead of pining for the hours I don't? What can I do with the energy and time that I have that will make my days feel worthy of the time spent breathing?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Roller coaster

Today is a striking reminder that no matter how good I feel, no matter how stable I am, no matter what I would like otherwise, I am not 100% normal. In the space of an hour I went from emotional flatline, to manic high, and then to depressive crash.

I've been doing so well for weeks now. My pain level has been very low and very controllable. I was starting to get into a real routine for days and nights. This past holiday went really smoothly and we entertained family and friends two days in a row. I even started considering what a part time job would be like...I should have known it was too good to last. Saturday night I got hit with a migraine so bad I considered calling the hospital (not that it would have done much good...we're at least 30 minutes away from anywhere that could help.) Over the course of the night while trying to get any relief, I took one of every medication I could find that would help. Around 3:30am, I finally fell asleep and woke up at 7:30am (with the critters jumping about the Easter Bunny) and I was mostly pain free. I went back to bed to catch a little more rest before church, but when it was time to actually GO to church, I just couldn't do it. The pain was mostly gone, but I was just so tired. I broke down in tears begging DH to let me stay home. (It goes to show how backwards I am that I begged for permission for ANYTHING.)

Ever since then, I just haven't felt right. I slept so much yesterday and again today that I was in bed twice as much as out of it. I had to DRAG myself out of bed just to eat and pick up Little Heart from school today when she called because she wasn't feeling well. I have been a horrible grouch and very short of temper. The kids were walking lightly, and staying out of my way. I ate too much Easter candy at one point and walked around hungry for hours later on. When I cooked a real meal, I either felt sick after eating, or felt too sick to eat to begin with. The thought of taking a shower is actually painful to my brain right now.

This afternoon, I thought I was doing better. I started reading some online comics to boost my mood an maybe get my brain moving. I got to giggling over DYAC and at one point I laughed so hard I cried. Then, I stopped laughing and just cried. And cried. And cried some more. I'm dumb for giving in to this. I would feel better if I hadn't gained 5 pounds back. I wish we weren't so broke so I could have a coke if I wanted. It isn't fair that I have been so careful with bills and shopping and we're still broke because DH hurt his back again and has been losing pay from being home sick. I have so many things I need to be doing and I am just a lazy, horrible person because I am not doing any of them.

Is any of this true? Probably not, but my brain doesn't know that right now. Maybe my brain does but my heart doesn't. Either way, I'm not doing very well and it is so very hard to pull out of a nosedive like this.

Even though I might be a-ok for awhile, the Grey Monster will still have its way with me whenever it wants. For now, I will give it what it wants because I am not capable of anything else right now. I will go back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and maybe have a dream that ISN'T a nightmare. Perhaps I will be able to get up and be part of life later tonight. Maybe.

Am I crazy? Do normal people deal with this too? I haven't been normal in so long I don't know what the basis for comparison is.

Deb "Droopy" Lollar

Monday, April 18, 2011

How long? (actually very short)

I didn't even realize until I looked that I've been blogging for almost 18 months. Sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, other times not quite as much. What is remarkable to me is that I haven't put it aside or decided to stop after all this time. Writing itself has become one of my Many Hearts! I love writing more than I used to, more than I thought I ever could, and - even more - I enjoy writing with the idea that someone else might read it.

Considering that a blog is specifically for that purpose - for others to read - I would love some feedback from the awesome people who do read this stuff. Would it be okay if you guys let me know what you like to read, what you like about what I write, and if you think I need to do anything different? Would a more regular posting schedule make any difference? Would it be cool to add some fictional writing in here? I have purposely not added photographs for security sake, but would some pictures of my Many Hearts spice things up a bit? Would a weekly post with an update about each of my Family Hearts be a cool thing? What is your stance on ads on a blog?

I'm not planning on doing anything that is really all that different. I still will talk about my Hearts, my life, and all the things I find interesting. I'm just a little curious if there is any way I can better serve the people who read me?

Deb the Blogger

Sunday, April 10, 2011


It's been more than a week since I finished getting all the shots in my knees. I don't have full mobility back, but I am getting better, slowly but surely. I can handle short sets of stairs without my legs getting all wobbly and I am not actually in any real amount of pain 90% of the time. I still can't do things like squat or kneel, but I hope I will eventually get there.

This past week I was pretty busy taking care of things around the house. For the first time in months, I was able to wash dishes, clean the kitchen, clean the floors, and bathe the dog all by myself. It feels so good to have a little piece of my life back, even if it is the part of life I despise the most. I still have a long way to go before I am 100%, but I can take heart knowing that I AM improving every day. Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.

Maybe it is just the awesome weather we are having that has put me in a good mood. Something about the weather changing here in Texas always gives me a boost of energy and encourages me to take care of all the little things I have been putting off. Spring time inspires me to pull out every bit of motivation I have and put it to the best use I can. The warm breeze and sunshiny afternoons make me want to pull weeds and plant flowers. That is actually a good metaphor for the way I feel - get rid of the stuff I don't like and start up things I'm proud of. Everywhere I look and listen I see and hear people tossing out trash and dusting windowsills. Kids are running up and down the street in new sandals and shorts. Piles of dead leaves are being tossed out and tiny buds are popping up on all the bushes and in every flower bed.

Even in church, this is the time of year when we are asked to look inside ourselves and identify the actions and thoughts that we aren't proud of and replace them with the types of things that will make us better people. Whether you are Christian or not, this is a good thing to do. Everyone human should be able to look honestly in the mirror and if you don't like who you see, you should be able to take the steps to fix it. Even when the things you don't like aren't in your power to change, you can, at the very least, change your own reactions and outlook on them.

For me, I haven't liked who I saw very often. Physically, I have a hard time relating to being a plus-sized, petite woman. I miss my long hair and long for the days when I didn't look like the "Before" picture of an acne medication commercial. Personally, I hate that I miss out on so much because I am tired and in pain. I listen to the fear in my head too often and I ignore the voices that tell me to trust in my own judgement. I give in to unhealthy cravings while at the same time, I deny myself healthy foods and talk myself out of taking actions that are good for my health. Perhaps one of my worst crimes against myself is how I love to beat myself up over every little flaw and mistake. Even when I succeed I can't celebrate my achievement without reminding myself how far I have still to go and how long it took me to make headway on my goals.

Out with the old and in with the new.

Instead of January first being the start of a new year for me, I think I will make April first my New Years Day. How about I just make TODAY my New Years day. I can do that again tomorrow if I need to, and the day after that, and the day after that. I will keep giving myself a clean slate and a chance to start over every day until I get it right.

In many organizations after a big milestone has been met, the management has a debriefing meeting, or a post-activity breakdown. Often they go through an exercise called Start-Stop-Continue or Roses-Thorns-Buds. What went right? What went wrong? What do we need to do better next time?
How about you? What do you have in your life that is worth getting rid of? What are you going to start doing that makes you feel good? What have you been doing that you enjoy that you want to do more of?