Thursday, March 27, 2014

It happened. Again.

I managed to make it just beyond my one year anniversary at work before being canned for not showing up to work. I couldn't argue. I couldn't even be angry or upset with with my boss. He's been very understanding and has bent over backwards to try and keep me on as long as possible. I've only got myself to blame.

Maybe I could have drug myself out of bed just a bit earlier. Perhaps I wasn't in THAT much pain. I should really have logged in and just tried to take calls. Why did I have to be such a whiny little brat about having FM? LOTS of people have it and many of them go to work FULL TIME even, and manage to keep their jobs. I couldn't even make it to work four half days a week when all I had to do was walk to my office/closet, put on my headphones, and log in? I'm pretty pathetic.

At least, that's what's been going through my mind non stop since yesterday morning. That I'm a failure. I've been canned - again - for missing work and only lazy, self-absorbed, idiots get canned for not showing up to work. Of course, that is only half my thoughts right now. The other half is this awful crazy swirling mix of fear (that we won't be able to pay bills), indignation (I'm SICK for goodness sake!), sadness (I really will miss the awesome people on my team), relief (at least I can rest and not feel guilty that I should be working), guilt (of course, it was all my fault), and a dozen other feelings all pushing and shoving to get to the front of my mind. 

I gave myself yesterday to mourn and lick my wounds, as it were. Last night was miserable, too, partially because I slept FAR too much yesterday and it made it difficult to fall asleep. Also because I had this allergy thing going on and I spent several hours coughing, gagging, and trying to vomit everything up. Yeah, I know that is TMI, but this whole blog sort of is, too, isn't it?

Anyway, DH was truly an awesome hubby because he didn't try to wake me up this morning, he just took the kids to school and let me sleep. Thank goodness the older ones can walk to the high school by themselves. I KNOW I kept him up all night with my pitiful coughing and retching noises, but this morning he was more interested in making sure I was feeling better. THAT, people, is why I love that man.

In fact, instead of of getting all pissed out my losing another job, he was the one looking on the bright side. "At least we have our weekends back. More time for pow wows and more time for beading!" How did I get so lucky to nab a guy like that?

So, now that I have more time, I can really focus on my Five Steps. Maybe I'll even get enough crafting done that I can sell a bit here and there. I'm pretty positive I won't be able to completely replace my former income, but every little bit helps.

Stay tuned to see what crazy shenanigans I'm up to next week!


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

That was pretty tough

That was a pretty difficult downward spiral to pull out of! It was so sneaky I didn't even realize it was happening. It started with a few days of feeling yucky, a few back to back headaches, and before I realized, it had been a month of me not doing ANYTHING. I kept thinking, "I need a break. Maybe just a nap." Then I would pull out my phone to read FB posts or play a game just for a minute and POOF! Hours gone. Just like that.

I could blame it on the games on my phone. It was almost exactly a month ago that I was able to upgrade my phone to a newer, cooler version. It has WAY more inboard memory than my old one so I decided I would try to download some of the games I had to delete off my old phone because of space constraints. I was specifically ignoring the fact the the OTHER reason I deleted all those games was because I started playing them all the time instead of beading, writing, house cleaning... pretty much everything else I needed to be doing.

Truly, though, I know that if it wasn't games, it would have been something else. When the Grey Monster creeps in and takes hold even the dumbest things will cause me to become distracted. I once spent THREE HOURS standing up, next to a chair because I picked up an interesting book. When I was done with the book (it was a kids novel and I am a fast reader) I realized I had been shifting from foot to foot, my back was aching, and I was starving and very thirsty. You see, I had been walking into the kitchen to grab a snack and a drink so I could take some medicine to help my back when I spied the book on the table. Once I picked it up, I was so completely engrossed that I lost all track of time and forgot why I was in the dining room to begin with.

The past month has been just like that. One minute I'm on my way to do something important, the next several hours has passed and I've not gotten it done. Even worse, I feel like I've completely wasted that time. Wastefulness makes me feel guilty. Guilt makes me beat myself up and then I feel ashamed. Shame makes me want to crawl into bed and forget about the world for awhile. Which wastes more time doing nothing and the cycle repeats. When you throw into that mix the days when I am genuinely unable to do anything because of severe body aches or migraines, you end up with a whole lot of days in a row of not spending time with the family, not being awake and productive during the day... even showering seems to be too much to handle.

You would think that if I have the presence of mind to figure this stuff out right now, I could avoid it all the next time it happens. I wish it was that easy. Looking back, I can see that I am not anything close to rational during these periods of time. It's as if all the intelligence just leaks out of my head and the only thing I am able to do is sit and wait for it to find its way home.

Over the past month, I have tried to snap myself out of this on the few occasions that I was able to think clearly. I've forced myself to go to Pow Wows even when I didn't feel like going anywhere. A few weeks ago I helped out with a crafting day that my husband was in charge of. Last night I went on a walk with some friends of ours and I actually walked more than a mile without stopping. I can say that this "bad" stretch has still been better than my "good" days used to be. But it isn't enough to make me happy about it. All I can think about are the hours of wasted time and the long list of things that never got done. This is a month of time I can never get back.

So, right now I am feeling better and I am going to do as much as I can while I can. I will try to remember to eat, drink, and rest so as not to burn myself out and start the cycle over again. And, I will start paying attention to my Five Step Plan for the year again. Today, I have written, so that's one thing checked off the list. I didn't get up, get showered, and get dressed first thing this morning, but I DID (eventually) do it, so I'll give myself that one for today, as well. I haven't lost a pound a week, but I haven't gained anything back, either, so there is another positive to count. That leaves "be creative every day" and "spend one-on-one time with each of the kids." I've already got my beading stuff out  so I'll be finishing up a lanyard this afternoon. This evening is the annual Cheerleader Parents' Meeting so I  will be spending time with the Tiny Dancer.

I guess this day hasn't been a total failure after all.