Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Roller coaster

Today is a striking reminder that no matter how good I feel, no matter how stable I am, no matter what I would like otherwise, I am not 100% normal. In the space of an hour I went from emotional flatline, to manic high, and then to depressive crash.

I've been doing so well for weeks now. My pain level has been very low and very controllable. I was starting to get into a real routine for days and nights. This past holiday went really smoothly and we entertained family and friends two days in a row. I even started considering what a part time job would be like...I should have known it was too good to last. Saturday night I got hit with a migraine so bad I considered calling the hospital (not that it would have done much good...we're at least 30 minutes away from anywhere that could help.) Over the course of the night while trying to get any relief, I took one of every medication I could find that would help. Around 3:30am, I finally fell asleep and woke up at 7:30am (with the critters jumping about the Easter Bunny) and I was mostly pain free. I went back to bed to catch a little more rest before church, but when it was time to actually GO to church, I just couldn't do it. The pain was mostly gone, but I was just so tired. I broke down in tears begging DH to let me stay home. (It goes to show how backwards I am that I begged for permission for ANYTHING.)

Ever since then, I just haven't felt right. I slept so much yesterday and again today that I was in bed twice as much as out of it. I had to DRAG myself out of bed just to eat and pick up Little Heart from school today when she called because she wasn't feeling well. I have been a horrible grouch and very short of temper. The kids were walking lightly, and staying out of my way. I ate too much Easter candy at one point and walked around hungry for hours later on. When I cooked a real meal, I either felt sick after eating, or felt too sick to eat to begin with. The thought of taking a shower is actually painful to my brain right now.

This afternoon, I thought I was doing better. I started reading some online comics to boost my mood an maybe get my brain moving. I got to giggling over DYAC and at one point I laughed so hard I cried. Then, I stopped laughing and just cried. And cried. And cried some more. I'm dumb for giving in to this. I would feel better if I hadn't gained 5 pounds back. I wish we weren't so broke so I could have a coke if I wanted. It isn't fair that I have been so careful with bills and shopping and we're still broke because DH hurt his back again and has been losing pay from being home sick. I have so many things I need to be doing and I am just a lazy, horrible person because I am not doing any of them.

Is any of this true? Probably not, but my brain doesn't know that right now. Maybe my brain does but my heart doesn't. Either way, I'm not doing very well and it is so very hard to pull out of a nosedive like this.

Even though I might be a-ok for awhile, the Grey Monster will still have its way with me whenever it wants. For now, I will give it what it wants because I am not capable of anything else right now. I will go back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and maybe have a dream that ISN'T a nightmare. Perhaps I will be able to get up and be part of life later tonight. Maybe.

Am I crazy? Do normal people deal with this too? I haven't been normal in so long I don't know what the basis for comparison is.

Deb "Droopy" Lollar

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