Some days, the only thing keeping me going is the little things. The critters all coming up to hug me throughout the day for no apparent reason (sometimes they aren't even plotting anything!) Someone else making a pitcher of iced tea (can't drink straight water in this town but I'll drink tea all day instead of cola if it's already there.) Walking in my bedroom and seeing the bed neatly made and pretty (the rest of the house might be - or actually is - a disaster, but a pretty bedroom makes me smile.) Getting a call from WP just to say I love you (he earns his title of Wonderful very easily.)
I've been moody and full of ups and downs all week (as my last post will show) and my highs are just not balancing out the lows. I only barely made it out of bed this afternoon. The fact that dinner is in the oven, and that I prepared it, is a bit of a miracle I think. I might have been flying on clouds last week because things were going so well, but this week just hasn't measured up. It's almost like, as soon as I get a stretch of "good" days, I am not allowed to get used to it before a string of "bad" days comes right up.
Perhaps I need to restructure my standards. It used to be that things like showering, eating regularly, showing up for work on time, and making dinner were just part of my day. I wasn't surprised that these things would happen. They always just did. How I long for those days again! What I wouldn't give to be able to go through days and weeks, or even months, able to live like a normal person who works and really LIVES. I feel like I am only living a half-life; as if I am only really here half the time. The rest of my time seems wasted. I have nothing to show for it.
Well, if I only have half the time I used to, I had better make the most of it, shouldn't I? How can make every moment count? How can I concentrate my life and use it to fill the hours I have instead of pining for the hours I don't? What can I do with the energy and time that I have that will make my days feel worthy of the time spent breathing?