I get to make one of those "I'm really embarrassed to write about this, but I will anyway." posts.
Somehow, I managed to lose my job again. On TD's birthday, no less. I haven't told the kids and Thank God they don't read my blog (mostly because I agreed to not give them their Surfing License until they are 13.) I managed to get fired from the Awesome Assignment because I was late this morning. I felt yucky and I was moving slow and the next the I knew I was getting a call from my agency telling me that if I wanted my job I better call my boss and beg for it. So I did, and my boss told me, No, you really are fired. Then I tried to call the agency back, and what do you know? My agent won't call me back either. This sucks worse than being told to my face that I am a lousy worker. I was told that "My Girls" have to be at work at a certain time. First, I am not one of "Her Girls"! Second, no time frame was ever discussed. I don't know if she thought I would be in at 7:00am (in which case she has been severely disappointed for the last three weeks) or if 9:00am was acceptable (in which case I have been early every day accept once.)
So, I am angry because I feel that my new boss was a teensy bit uncooperative, but mostly I am angry at myself. I know better and I have been fired for this in the past. I certainly don't expect sympathy or pity from anyone. I screwed up - again - and I know it. . I don't know if this agency will continue to assign me positions or not. Sometimes the agents will be a bit forgiving and may send you out other places if they feel you are a good worker and the position was just not a good fit. Other agents cut ties as soon as they even think a worker will give them a bad name and that is that. Truly, I don't know if I have a second chance with these people or not (since they won't talk to me or answer my e-mails.)
I guess what they will do isn't the issue. The real question I need to focus on is what will I do now? I wasn't looking for a job when I found this one. It was accidental, almost, and felt like the answer to a prayer that fell out of the sky. Now, for three and a half months, I have squandered the extra income and taken advantage of the graces of my bosses. I kind of got used to working, though, and I really liked my job, as well as my paycheck. Should I look for more work? Am I able to fulfill the duties of any job at all? Can I manage to find a job that will actually hire me after my less than stellar work history? There are too many people competing for far too few jobs right now. What part of my brain is not registering that I can't keep squandering away the chances I get? Will I manage to avoid the deep depression that almost always comes with the large, public rejection of getting fired? I am not even sure I can muster the courage to dress up and interview for another position. I can barely fit into the clothes I have now and it will only take a pound or two more before I am beyond even my largest size clothing. I can not afford to buy more clothes for work, especially since I am not currently earning anything.
Because I am so crappy with money I should have money in the bank right now, but I don't. I have bills to pay and no job. I can't keep a job, but I can find all sorts of ways to spend what little extra money I do have. I haven't figured out how I will pay for the car I have only had three months, without a substantial paycheck. On top of that, my FIL got a pay cut by almost 50% and my MIL just got laid off. They are carrying the note for our other car and they won't be able to do that anymore. Also, our Annual Summer Party is scheduled for two weeks from now and there will be a LOT of people here. The girls are counting on me to put on a really good show. I have two car payments (where I wasn't paying either before) and a really big party in two weeks and I don't know how I will come up with the money for either. So, basically, I am in a big ol' heap of trouble.
I really don't know which feels worse, the prospect of staying home and being broke, or letting down DH. He just has this horrible resigned look on his face, as if this was nothing more than he expected. He refused to feel happy or excited about things when I was working. He just kept saying, "For now." He knew I wouldn't succeed. Now I have proven him right. Is it worse to go out and keep on failing, or just accept that I can't succeed and stop embarrassing myself and letting everyone down?
I hate hearing the tension in his voice. He is snappy with the kids and irritated about everything. What used to be mild "realism" has become painful cynicism. Every comment or observation is negative or is followed up by something negative. The bitterness is terrible. This isn't the man I want to listen to every day of my life. My inevitable failures push him to depression and cause the worst of his personality to rise to the top and be amplified. I don't blame him for it, but I certainly don't like it. The negative moods make him just as lethargic an unwilling to act as anyone else. He is only human and can only take so much before snapping.
I just wish we could talk about it more. He is so disapproving of everything that he simply refuses to acknowledge anything but the worst outcome. Every negative aspect is doubled and tripled in his mind. A $120 bill becomes $200 that we owe and can't possibly pay (in spite of my being able to prove otherwise.) A noise in the engine is most certainly a repair that will cost more than the can is worth (even though an oil change will fix it.) He stays up late playing video games that allow him to destroy things(I don't blame him. I would like to blow something up right now, myself.) and won't come to bed until long after I am asleep (that part does bug the hell out of me, even if I am too asleep to know either way.)
I can't negotiate with this. I feel like I am I beating against a brick wall. I can't expect him to be positive all the time (that's my job) but can I expect him to look at things objectively? No, probably not. Who knows? His version of realism might sound a whole lot like my version of cynicism. Who could say if I am ignoring the worst of things or if he is ignoring the smallest portions of the good? I don't know if my guilt puts up this wall that grows between us or if his disappointment causes distance. In either case, it isn't good and I don't like it.
Keeping the house clean and being a "good" housewife don't make him happy. They merely seem to keep him from getting more upset. I'm not very consistent about cleaning and getting motivated to do it is just plain difficult. I try to do the best I can and he normally doesn't seem to really mind one way or the other (for which I am extremely grateful), but I'm not very good at it and that is all there is to it. Normally he overlooks it all but when things are already stressful, if the kids have made too big a mess all hell can break loose when he comes through the door at night. I can cook, and I do it pretty well (if I do say so, myself) but when he gets in these dark moods, he often decides that he isn't hungry and doesn't eat with us. I can't deny that it hurts my feelings quite a bit. I don't know how to fix this mood other than by getting a job and keeping it. That is the one thing I can't seem to do. Actually that doesn't seem to improve his mood all that much because I can't keep money in the bank and keep the bills paid no matter how much we make.
I don't want to paint him as a big, mean, monster terrorizing the household in the evenings. Everyone is entitled to their emotions. He certainly isn't cruel or abusive. He is a very patient and loving man and we are never intentionally hurtful to each other. We rarely argue and certainly don't fight or raise our voices in anger at each other. Mostly, I hurt for him because he is so worried about everything that causes him to be like this. If we could just talk about it or make plans together, I think I would feel better. We don't talk about it, though. We promised each other a long time ago that we would never fight about money, so if there is a chance that one of us is going to get upset we just stop talking. While that doesn't really solve any of the problems, it does have the benefit of not piling arguing on to the list of everything else that is going wring right now.
I shouldn't be resentful. He is an amazing man and an incredibly good father. It doesn't change the fact that I wish we could just snuggle and be in good moods together, but we can't because I screwed up, and overslept, and got fired. Again.
Deb "Jobless" Lollar