Friday, July 29, 2011

Feeling helpless

I hate it when there are things that are broken and I just can't fix them. No matter how much I want to, there are some situations beyond my control. Admitting you have no power in certain situations is the first step to accepting the world as it is so that you can work more on how you react to it. But, just because I know this and understand this does not mean I have to like it.

For instance, I didn't really want to be jobless and surviving on one paycheck for the last three years, but it happened that way. Now, no matter how good I feel and how hard I try, I will never be able to go back to work at the same level, for the same money as before. It means I will have to start my career over from scratch. In this town at this current time, that actually means I need to make do with what I've got because a job isn't going to be found for ANY amount of money anytime soon. So, because we are on limited income, I had to take the raw deal that the ex-landlord gave me and we had to move. While I am extremely happy with the opportunity God provided us, I still think it sucks that I don't have the ability or power to make choices on my own. I have to do what people tell me to do and I can't fight or even argue. I have no real way of getting ahead or even saving for a rainy day. The best I can do with this situation is break even, try not to screw up too much, and hope and pray that emergencies will not be too costly.

Worrying is not  very productive, I know. However, I can't look at our situation - even with the express purpose of trying to better it - without worry creeping in. I can't control how much money we make, or whether DH keeps his job, or whether someone will decide to buy this house before we are ready to move, or if the landlords will make some other decision. The thought process makes me sick.

One of the hardest parts about all this is when I know someone else needs help, and I can not give it to them. LH has a very dear friend who is moving away from town because her aunt needs to move to find work and get stable on her feet. This poor girl was living in another state when she lost her father to murder and her mother to jail. Her aunt came to rescue her, literally, off the street where she was destined to follow her parents in a life of drugs, crime, and all sorts of other terrible things. Since then she has managed to turn her life around in a quite remarkable way. She would be going to high school next year with AP classes and as part of the Drill Team. Now, she is being moved away from the only stability she has ever known. It simply breaks my heart.

There is not a thing I can do, though. I have not the space, or the money, or the connections to help either her or her aunt out of this mess. Right now, I am just trying to get through my own mess! I KNOW I need to get stable on my feet before I can consider helping anyone else out. SO, why do I feel guilty that I'm not doing more? The girl's aunt is truly doing the best she can for her own son as well as her niece.  I know she has everyone's best interest in mind. She really has no choices left and she is making do with what she has.

Knowing that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. LH is losing one of the few good friends she has made so far, and that breaks my heart as much as everything else.


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