Yesterday, I was starting to feel a little bit lonely and set-apart from the world in my Little Country Town. Because of the move, and the ever present Lack Of Money, I just sort of feel home bound. I don't work for money outside the house, and leaving the house usually is precipitated by the need to spend money. If I don't need to spend money, I don't need to go out, and so here I stay.
Reading how much fun everyone else seems to have without me makes me feel lonelier, still. Yes, I would love to join you for a pint at the bar. Hanging out and dancing would be divine. No, I haven't seen you in forever, yes I miss you terribly, my heart is aching because I haven't gotten to ever snuggle your beautiful babies, but I can't afford the gas to drive 2 hours in any direction for any reason at all right now. I haven't made new friends out here and all my old connections seem to be severed beyond repair.
In truth, I usually feel some sort of negative emotion like loneliness, anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, or even all out depression about once a month. It is much better than it used to be, and it doesn't last very long any more. I can usually even anticipate it, or at least understand where it comes from when it hits me. That helps me get through it and move on a little quicker.
I've learned to just deal with it because as bad as that 48 hours or so is, it is a drop in the bucket of what I used to deal with 24X7. I have come to grips with the fact that I won't ever be rid of the Gray Monster for good. Somehow, understanding that about myself makes me feel more free. I'm not haunted and harried by the Monster. We have an agreement of sorts. It stays out of my way for the most part. If I let it out of its box every now and again, it goes back in its box when I need it to. It still tries to break free and test out the lock every once and awhile, but I'm prepared for it. I can do this.
How does this relate to my priorities? Well, last night DH and I sat up WAY too late watching a marathon on A&E of Gene Simmons Family Jewels. I love this show because it shows that Rock Stars, Playboy Models, and even their kids can be .... well, normal. These people are rich, and even powerful, but really they are just normal people. Dad works a lot. Mom runs the house and makes everything ok. Big brother is smart and funny and incredibly talented. Little sister is extremely beautiful, but modest and shy focusing her intelligence on school and her future career.
They generally don't have a lot of "drama" like most reality shows push for. Usually they are funny and goofy and sweet and loving to each other. At least until this last year or so. Like most couples they have their issues. Shannon is and has always been drop-dead-gorgeous but like any woman, she feels insecure. Gene is very driven and motivated when it comes to money, and when it comes to his "image" in public he would rather appear to be the Rock Star that has women falling all over him than a dad and husband who goes home to his wife every night. To complicate things, Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed aren't actually married. They've been together for 27 years and have raised their kids together and seem to have been blissfully happy. Recently, however, Shannon started wanting Gene to be more husband and less Rock Star. As a result, Gene started to be more philandering Rock Star and less devoted husband. Things blew up, Shannon moved to a hotel, and Gene is left in the house alone thinking about the stupid things he did because of his arrogance.
Eventually she does come home and they seem to begin to reconcile. They go on a trip as a family to Gene's birthplace to visit family that he's never seen before. He starts rethinking his "bad boy" ways and decides that maybe being a husband is what will make him happy since that is what will make Shannon happy. Sounds a little self-centered anyway, but hey, whatever works, right?
The whole trip came about because Gene was recognized by his birth town and received an award from the local officials of Haifa, Israel because he was one of their own and went on to do so much (and he HAS done a lot of charity and support work on his own. Check out the KISS website) After that, he decides to stay awhile and see more of the country that he lived in before he came to the United States. He meets his half-brother and sisters that he never knew about and reconnects with the life that he had "left behind: when he was 7. There was a point in the show where they were walking away from a Holocaust museum in Israel, and Gene was able to find his mother's name in the log of survivors from the Auschwitz death camp. To think that as a little girl, she survived that atrocity, grew up to have Gene Simmons, moved to America and raise him to be one of the most well known Rock Stars of our country. Shannon said, looking at the museum made her realize how petty their own problems really were.
That says it all right there. Little children watch their entire families get gassed but they survive and move on and raise children and work (at a time when women DID NOT.) That sort of thing still happens today, too. (I won't post a link, but if you look, you will see it.) Here at home we have military who put themselves in the line of fire, every hour of every day so that I can have the luxury of sitting in my own home to complain about my problems. Many of those same brave men and women come home with permanent physical and mental injuries. Some of them even go back to keep on fighting. I can even look in my own living room and see an amazing survivor. Someone who was given a very grim prognosis and has completely blown everyone else in the world away. It was predicted that my own Little Heart was not to survive for more than a few years. Even then it would be at a far lower capacity than the "average" kids. I had nothing to do with her awe inspiring Fighter's Spirit. That is all from her and God.
Ok. I get it. I need to put on my Big Girl Panties and deal with it. Maybe I won't be able to achieve what "everyone else" in the world can. But, if a little girl can lose her entire family and still go on, if a Marine can lose both his legs and still continue to be a single parent and work to support his family, if men and women in our own land suffer abuse at the hands of their own families but decide to rise above it, if a child born with half their heart can grow up to be in the marching band, I can surely deal with this, whatever it is.
Pity party over.