The Silver Lining pt 1

Wow, when I got into that "little" fender bender a few weeks back, I had no idea what was in store for me. Frankly, I still don't, but today, the possibilities seem a lot more positive than they did. I saw this dark cloud roll over me and I wasn't sure how long the rain was going to last. In the last few days, I really thought it would stick around a lot longer, too. Today, though, the sun started shining just a little bit. I think I might be seeing that silver lining after all.

For so many years I have operated on the assumption that any little problem would turn into a crisis that we would not have the resources to deal with. I feel like we are always "behind the 8 ball", constantly playing catch-up, never having enough to go around, always halfway between "just got paid" and "just about to be broke." At this time 10 years ago, we had lost our house, our car, and the tax return we did get that year went to our landlord to keep us from being evicted. Since then, we have not had a steady climb back into financial security, as I would have hoped, but things are so much better than they were. 

We have worked hard to get out of the kind of hole you find yourself in after one spouse has been out of work for more than a year and the other gets too sick to keep a job for more than a few months at a time. We budgeted. We scrimped. We "made do". We moved houses and even cities, trying to find a way to make it only on what we had from monthly income. When we had no working vehicle, we accepted help from family and we drove an older vehicle. That vehicle is the 15 year old van that is still sitting in our driveway. The windows don't roll down and the A/C and heater don't always work, but we keep fixing it when it breaks, because it is paid off. However, the cost of repairs are starting to outweigh the actual worth of the vehicle. Still, we keep driving it because it means we don't have a car payment.

Because of our credit history, we don't get all the fun stuff that it seems like everyone else does. We have paid ridiculous deposits for utilities. Getting a cell phone without decent credit means that we had to go through a pre-paid company and we don't get the benefit of bonuses and rebates for all the newest gadgets. Instead of "Shopping" we go "Treasure Hunting" and we come away from the Thrift Store with what we need instead of going to the Mall for what we want. Sometimes our bills have been more than we had in the bank and sometimes we ate beans and rice for too many days in a row. I have lost count of the money that was wasted in late fees and bank fees and "Your credit simply sucks" fees. It often felt like The System was designed to make poor people even more poor by punishing them with more fees just for being already broke.

Now, we could have joined in the Great American Pastime of buying stuff with credit that we really couldn't afford, but I already knew what a terrible thing a credit card could be. Right before we got married I was blessed with three different credit cards. Within a year we had run them all to the max paying for wedding things, but they just seemed to stay maxed out even months and months later. Once things started to get really bad, I realized they were more of a burden than the life boat we wanted them to be. When I got laid off, I used my severance to pay off and and close every credit account we had, knowing that if we couldn't be sure we could afford the monthly payment every single month, we weren't in a position to have a credit card in the first place. In fact, the only new credit I have had in the last 10 years was the car I paid off just a year ago.

That was the car that I paid too much money for. Not only was the price tag disgustingly inflated, but the interest rate was so high, I'm actually embarrassed to admit I fell for it. I was desperate. I HAD to have a vehicle for work. I didn't have enough  cash to buy a car outright and I couldn't afford to sink cash into another lemon. I had to have a reliable car. So I paid for it. But that was also the first car I ever paid off, completely. I had been saving this purple fairy sticker for five years and I put it on the back window to help me find my car in a crowded parking lot. This was the first car I had felt was truly mine since the Dodge Neon I drove 20 years ago when I got my first full time job.

This was the very same car that I was in when I rear-ended an SUV in the snow, on the way to pick up the kids from school.

Sitting there in my busted up car, all I could think about was how we had just gotten our tax return and now I would have to spend all of it to fix my car. Well, honestly, I had a thousand things going through my head. Thank God no one was injured. DH is already on his way home from work so he can pick up the kids so they don't have to walk home in the snow. So thankful I decided to keep Full Coverage insurance on the car, even after it was paid off and I was only required to keep Liability. I really hope I don't cause another accident in the backup from THIS accident. If my car is still running, should I move it out of the traffic, or leave it here until the police shows up? Please, Mr Police Officer, don't give me a ticket for the expired registration. I've been trying to get it updated for a week. I just paid to get the radiator replaced LAST WEEK, and now the NEW radiator is probably destroyed. If I spend all my extra cash on fixing this car, how am I going to pay the cheer fees for Tiny Dancer. They are due next month if she she makes the team at the tryouts next week. How is she going to get to tryouts if I don't have a car? Hey, the engine is still running! Since the engine does still start up, I should drive it back home instead of waiting for a tow. I should be able to make it since I'm only a few blocks from the house. I'm sure the tow trucks would be needed more somewhere else. Let them help out some poor person who is wrecked and too far from home and can't drive at all. If we HAD to have an accident, at least we had it while we actually had money in the bank to cover the deductible. Thank God I'm ok. Thank God everyone else is ok. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.

For the last two weeks, I've been driving a rental car that is covered by my insurance. Again, THANK GOD, because have you ever tried to rent a car without a credit card? Not easy. It's taken longer than I thought it would, but finally, yesterday my old car was officially determined to be a Total Loss. I met with the adjuster, signed over the title, cleaned all my personal things out of it, and said a final goodbye to it. That was WAY harder than I thought it would be, by the way. I  get entirely too emotionally attached to physical possessions. Anyway, something else positive happened that balanced out (a little) of the sadness.

I got a CHECK for the value of the car. It's like a last little gift from the car I've driven and taken care of for the last five years. Now, it's nothing to brag about, considering it was a base model Kia that was nine years old. But, it's more than I thought it would be and it is enough to help me actually replace this car with another car. At this point, I have the choice to use it all to buy a "cash car" (ie a junker that may or may not make it through the 30 day warranty) or I can maybe use it as the biggest down payment I've ever put on a car before.

But either way, now I have to go car shopping. 


Deb

The REALLY Short Version

Let me see...
How do I explain 6 months of insanity all at once without droning on forever and losing your attention 1/4 of the way through. OK. To put it all in perspective, let's try this:

• Last March - I got fired. Again. That's ok. I didn't like that stupid job and their dumb requirements to "show up" and "be on time." Sissies. I'm just going to crawl under this blanket for a few days. Or maybe forever. Forever works too.
• April - My computer broke down and never recovered. By May my Cloffice was just a closet again. No Office. No where to write. 
• August - I finally realize I HAVE a computer to use, and it's right in my own bedroom. It's  just that it's DH's, and in the middle of all HIS stuff. I'm unable to work up the energy to clear his stuff away enough to write. 
• September - That's the beginning of cheer season around here. Two practices and one game per week. And band stuff. And other school stuff, and, and. AND.
• October - The world decides to implode. DH loses his job. I wish I could say I handled it well. I did not.
• November - Since DH is home all the time, we bond over bead work and get to do whatever else we decide we want to do. But mostly it's bead work. SO MANY BEADS GOT WORKED. I'm suddenly looking forward to my retirement years... Also, I decide to begin weaning myself of the FM/Depression meds I've been taking for the last 8 years. I can't afford them and I soon realize they have been doing more harm than good.
• December - Because DH was Laid Off, not fired, he got a Severance back in October, which we immediately used to plan ahead. Christmas is actually pretty ok and not even a little like the scene where Tiny Tim's mom tries to use tiny plates to make it look like there is more food than there really is. Then, DH lands a new job!
• January - DH's new job requires him to work 6:30 AM to 3:30pm. Yes, as in 6:30 IN THE MORNING. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS!!!! It means I have to actually get up and be a human in the morning and drive my children to school by myself. Also, I decided to continue on this whole "Get myself free of addicting substances" and I quit smoking too. January was not my favorite month.
• February - It started off awesome and ended about as far from awesome as you can get. Because of Tax Returns, we got bills paid up and I was feeling pretty good and secure and comfy and stuff. Then the sky opened up and decided to snow all over Texas. A Lot. We lost a full school day because of ice, and then we lost an afternoon because of snow. While driving to pick my kids up in said snow, I rear ended a big ol' SUV. My car was totaled. Even though no one was hurt and mine was the only car damaged, this was still the third worst thing that happened that day. BOTH my mother's father in law AND Leonard Nimoy passed away. Some days it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps to escape, I tell ya. 
• March - It's only half over but so far it has been a HUGE improvement over February. First, I had full comp and collision on my nine-year-old econo-box of a car. So I have a rental to drive until the insurance finishes up gathering the incredibly tiny total on my old car. Now I get to go find a different but equally old and tiny econo-box. But hey, it will be New-to-me!
• Because of all the crappiness that has flooded our lives lately, DH and I decide to do some very responsible things. Like take the entire family to the North Texas Irish Fest and Buy Awesome Things. Yeah... when I say "responsible", I might actually mean "Something to make us feel better even though it was not totally 100% responsible." But, hey, we are grown ups, and dammit, I want new toys! So, instead of sticking ALL the tax return away, we use a little here and there to spoil each other. It's my birthday and I offer to share it with him as his half-birthday because, well... go back and look at October again. The man deserved a treat, if not a freaking Gold Medal for overcoming obstacles and dealing with my crazy ass. So, he got a casual kilt in the Leatherneck Tartan because he's wanted one since the Tartan was released. And, even though we were able to score some older laptops for the kids from his new job the amazing man saw clear to buy me a new one! With a touch screen and a full 10-key pad and all sorts of awesome built in. I tell you, I love that man.

So, here I am. I've got my own computer, which means I can write wherever I darn well please. I feel like I might be able to get back into a regular schedule of updating and stuff. Maybe I'll even get to post pictures and stuff and I can pretend to be a real Blogger! Maybe.
Or perhaps I'll start looking for work again. Or maybe, I'll enroll in college, like I've been threatening to for a while now. Maybe I'll just start focusing on the housework I always put off and then I'll find a way to keep it all done and POOF! I'll turn into a successful and happy Home Maker.
Or monkeys could fly out of my butt. Maybe.

Deb "Not Housekeeping" Lollar

Lets Pretend

I had enough of my present writing hiatus, I think. Life my be crazy, but I think I am crazier still when I don't write at least weekly for my own good. I thought I would change things up a bit and try something new. My kids like to play a game with their friends called "The Question Game" where they spend their time just asking different questions to each other to try and get to know each other better. Sometimes it makes for a good dialogue opener. So, here's my version called:

Let's Pretend

Let's pretend that in two weeks you will be leaving your present country. You will be going somewhere without phone, internet, even reliable electricity. You won't be able to have any contact with anyone back home. You will be going alone and you are not sure if you will ever make it back.

Here's my question: Who would you contact or what would you do over the next few weeks? For argument sake, I will specify that finances are the same you have now (so if flying to California isn't currently an option, it wouldn't be for this Let's Pretend, either. )

So, go ahead and reply in comments. Feel free to share with others and Follow my blog.
Enjoy!

P.S. I'll post my answer after a few of you have posted yours!

Deb "The Questioner" Lollar

So, you want to date one of my girls...

So, you've met one of my darling girls and now you think you want to take her out on a date. Maybe even more than one. I feel I should warn you. Dating one of MY girls may be a little different than what you would expect. You should also be warned that I consider my daughter and my niece equally important to me, so before you go any further, you should really take at look at these helpful little tips.

1. Fear is good.  Ah, fear. A parent's best friend. You might already know that Mr L is a Marine. He loves all his girls very much and he is just as protective as you think he might be. He also knows how to permanently remove you from the equation, make it look like an accident, and he already has a nice, long list of places to hide a body.

2. Make sure your fear is well placed. Mr L and his specific set of skills is certainly something to keep in mind, but he's not the one you should fear, yet (unless you've already done something to hurt one of our girls.) No, the first threat you should fear is Me. I am the first line of defense against little creeps who are up to no good. If I don't like you, you don't stand a chance. I won't ever come right out and say, "You're not allowed to hang out with so-and-so," but I have lots of other ways to make my disapproval known. Believe me when I say, if I don't want you around, you will know it.

3. Trust is better. If you want to spend time with one of my girls, it will be much easier if I trust you. I have to trust that you will protect my girl from any harm from others, and also that you will not ever be the one to harm her. Trust is not something that is given easily or quickly. You will have to gain my trust slowly, over time by showing me that you always have my girl's well-being forefront in your mind. If you are serious about wanting to see one of my girls, this lengthy trust-building will not be a problem for you because you already understand about things like trust and respect.

4. Respect is best. Respect is one of those complicated things that is hard to define, but is easy to recognize. You might say it is a combination of fear and trust. You should trust that I will make you fear me if any harm should come to one of my girls. There's more to it than that, though. Treating my girl as if she is the most important thing in the world is part of it. So is making sure the world knows that you value her in the only most respected way.


5. Show the right kind of affection. PDA (Public Display of Affection) is a fast lane to either earning my respect or losing any chance of seeing my girl again. When you are together in my presence it's ok to let my girl know you like her by holding her hand, for instance. Is is NOT ok to attempt to paw her like an animal or kiss her like they do in romance movies. That doesn't show respect for her as a girl or me as her parent. Even thinking about anything else beyond the kissing is clearly a bad idea (see rule number one.)

7. Value her as a person. Your actions and words will tell me very quickly if you truly value my girl the right way or if you are the type of person that objectifies females in the wrong way. I will not suffer the latter to hang around. My girls are all super smart with lots of unique interests. If you want her to like you, be prepared to ask about one of her many hobbies. Share your own with her. If you want ME to like you, be prepared to do the same. If you think that this is unnecessary, see rule number two.

8. Value her as a female. I know she is beautiful. She knows it too because I have been telling her that since the day she was born. Reminding her of this is perfectly fine, when done in a respectful way. For example, "You look amazing!" is good. Remarks referring to "sexiness"  or how "hot" she is are decidedly not good. Also, make sure to show that you respect and value your own female family members.Your comments and attitudes about your family are usually a reflection of the way you feel about women in general.

9. Value your relationship with her. Another way you will show her (and me) whether you value her is how you treat other women in your life and in public. Being disrespectful of other girls is a red flag for mothers who want the best for their girls. Ogling and and making crude comments falls into the "disrespectful" category. Participating in actions that don't support the idea that you are 100% devoted to my girl will get you a long walk down a short driveway.

10. I don't care what you look like or what parts you have. All I care about is how you treat her. Truly. This isn't a trick. Tall, short, tattooed, pierced, dark, fair, American, foreign born, baggy pants or tailored suit - it really doesn't matter to me. If one of my girls happens to prefer girls over boys, who am I to judge? I have taught my kids that people are people, and all people are valuable. However, regardless of your gender, the same rules still apply. Be yourself and be good to her, and we will always get along great.
After all, THE most important thing to me is my girl's happiness.

Deb "The Momma" Lollar

The Wall

I haven't written ANYTHING in a month. Since losing my job, I just haven't had the motivation to do anything. I KNEW it was coming. It wasn't a surprise. You would think that I would be a little more...desensitized to getting fired by now. But no. You might also think I would have learned a better way to deal with the depression that always follows, but I haven't got that figured out either. The last six weeks have been a long string of uninteresting days followed by unremarkable nights. My brain feels like a cross between jello and oatmeal without all the interesting bits of fruit floating around. I haven't followed followed my routines hardly at all. I'm showering whenever I get around to it, getting dressed sometime during the day, going to bed later and later, and sleeping in most mornings. The weather has been cooperative so I haven't needed to get up early to drive the teenagers to school, thank goodness. Most days I let everyone walk home as well. Budgeting, meal planning, routines... whatever. Stuff just isn't getting done.

I'm sure I will get everything together and figure out what I'm going to do soon, but not today. This can't last forever, right? The very fact that I am sitting in my closet-turned-office (affectionately referred to as the Cloffice) is a sign that I am doing better. Just being in here before now has been a reminder of the fact that I used to work from here, but I don't anymore. My brain keeps wanting to beat me up for being a total failure, and so I've been doing my best to avoid anything that triggers that kind of thought.

All I can do is be so very thankful for the understanding, patience, and hard work of my husband. Since his promotion at work he's been working his tail off. Thankfully, that also means more money so my lack of job isn't as big a deal as it once was. Also, I just finished paying off my car, so that makes a huge difference as well. Things balance out.

So far, I haven't used my free time to catch up on the laundry, or scrub out the refrigerator. I've only gotten a few pieces of bead work done in the last month. The days are pretty much spent sleeping or reading or doing other things that are a complete waste of time. The evenings are better, because I have the kiddos around. I might be spending the majority of the days in bed, but the evening hours are making up for it. Still, there are so many things that really need to be done. I'm walking a fine line between feeling guilty about not doing anything, and forcing myself to do too much at once and burning myself out.

I think I might have reached a turning point tonight, though. Nothing huge happened. No major epiphany or kick in the pants has occurred. Suddenly, I just felt that I had rested enough. I'm not making any big plans for tomorrow or anything, but there is a spark in me that has finally made itself known. I guess the last six weeks or so was my time to heal and recover. Now it is time to begin to build my strength back up. I won't be back to normal for awhile, but I believe I will finally start to get better. Sure, it's almost bedtime, but that's ok. Instead of feeling like I'm wasting more time, I'm going to think of going to bed as a way to recharge for tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm going to feel proud of myself for doing as much as I can. It isn't as much as I want, but I have to be satisfied that it is all I am capable. Tomorrow will be better.
It always is.

Deb

It happened. Again.

I managed to make it just beyond my one year anniversary at work before being canned for not showing up to work. I couldn't argue. I couldn't even be angry or upset with with my boss. He's been very understanding and has bent over backwards to try and keep me on as long as possible. I've only got myself to blame.

Maybe I could have drug myself out of bed just a bit earlier. Perhaps I wasn't in THAT much pain. I should really have logged in and just tried to take calls. Why did I have to be such a whiny little brat about having FM? LOTS of people have it and many of them go to work FULL TIME even, and manage to keep their jobs. I couldn't even make it to work four half days a week when all I had to do was walk to my office/closet, put on my headphones, and log in? I'm pretty pathetic.

At least, that's what's been going through my mind non stop since yesterday morning. That I'm a failure. I've been canned - again - for missing work and only lazy, self-absorbed, idiots get canned for not showing up to work. Of course, that is only half my thoughts right now. The other half is this awful crazy swirling mix of fear (that we won't be able to pay bills), indignation (I'm SICK for goodness sake!), sadness (I really will miss the awesome people on my team), relief (at least I can rest and not feel guilty that I should be working), guilt (of course, it was all my fault), and a dozen other feelings all pushing and shoving to get to the front of my mind. 

I gave myself yesterday to mourn and lick my wounds, as it were. Last night was miserable, too, partially because I slept FAR too much yesterday and it made it difficult to fall asleep. Also because I had this allergy thing going on and I spent several hours coughing, gagging, and trying to vomit everything up. Yeah, I know that is TMI, but this whole blog sort of is, too, isn't it?

Anyway, DH was truly an awesome hubby because he didn't try to wake me up this morning, he just took the kids to school and let me sleep. Thank goodness the older ones can walk to the high school by themselves. I KNOW I kept him up all night with my pitiful coughing and retching noises, but this morning he was more interested in making sure I was feeling better. THAT, people, is why I love that man.

In fact, instead of of getting all pissed out my losing another job, he was the one looking on the bright side. "At least we have our weekends back. More time for pow wows and more time for beading!" How did I get so lucky to nab a guy like that?

So, now that I have more time, I can really focus on my Five Steps. Maybe I'll even get enough crafting done that I can sell a bit here and there. I'm pretty positive I won't be able to completely replace my former income, but every little bit helps.

Stay tuned to see what crazy shenanigans I'm up to next week!

Deb

That was pretty tough

That was a pretty difficult downward spiral to pull out of! It was so sneaky I didn't even realize it was happening. It started with a few days of feeling yucky, a few back to back headaches, and before I realized, it had been a month of me not doing ANYTHING. I kept thinking, "I need a break. Maybe just a nap." Then I would pull out my phone to read FB posts or play a game just for a minute and POOF! Hours gone. Just like that.

I could blame it on the games on my phone. It was almost exactly a month ago that I was able to upgrade my phone to a newer, cooler version. It has WAY more inboard memory than my old one so I decided I would try to download some of the games I had to delete off my old phone because of space constraints. I was specifically ignoring the fact the the OTHER reason I deleted all those games was because I started playing them all the time instead of beading, writing, house cleaning... pretty much everything else I needed to be doing.

Truly, though, I know that if it wasn't games, it would have been something else. When the Grey Monster creeps in and takes hold even the dumbest things will cause me to become distracted. I once spent THREE HOURS standing up, next to a chair because I picked up an interesting book. When I was done with the book (it was a kids novel and I am a fast reader) I realized I had been shifting from foot to foot, my back was aching, and I was starving and very thirsty. You see, I had been walking into the kitchen to grab a snack and a drink so I could take some medicine to help my back when I spied the book on the table. Once I picked it up, I was so completely engrossed that I lost all track of time and forgot why I was in the dining room to begin with.

The past month has been just like that. One minute I'm on my way to do something important, the next several hours has passed and I've not gotten it done. Even worse, I feel like I've completely wasted that time. Wastefulness makes me feel guilty. Guilt makes me beat myself up and then I feel ashamed. Shame makes me want to crawl into bed and forget about the world for awhile. Which wastes more time doing nothing and the cycle repeats. When you throw into that mix the days when I am genuinely unable to do anything because of severe body aches or migraines, you end up with a whole lot of days in a row of not spending time with the family, not being awake and productive during the day... even showering seems to be too much to handle.

You would think that if I have the presence of mind to figure this stuff out right now, I could avoid it all the next time it happens. I wish it was that easy. Looking back, I can see that I am not anything close to rational during these periods of time. It's as if all the intelligence just leaks out of my head and the only thing I am able to do is sit and wait for it to find its way home.

Over the past month, I have tried to snap myself out of this on the few occasions that I was able to think clearly. I've forced myself to go to Pow Wows even when I didn't feel like going anywhere. A few weeks ago I helped out with a crafting day that my husband was in charge of. Last night I went on a walk with some friends of ours and I actually walked more than a mile without stopping. I can say that this "bad" stretch has still been better than my "good" days used to be. But it isn't enough to make me happy about it. All I can think about are the hours of wasted time and the long list of things that never got done. This is a month of time I can never get back.

So, right now I am feeling better and I am going to do as much as I can while I can. I will try to remember to eat, drink, and rest so as not to burn myself out and start the cycle over again. And, I will start paying attention to my Five Step Plan for the year again. Today, I have written, so that's one thing checked off the list. I didn't get up, get showered, and get dressed first thing this morning, but I DID (eventually) do it, so I'll give myself that one for today, as well. I haven't lost a pound a week, but I haven't gained anything back, either, so there is another positive to count. That leaves "be creative every day" and "spend one-on-one time with each of the kids." I've already got my beading stuff out  so I'll be finishing up a lanyard this afternoon. This evening is the annual Cheerleader Parents' Meeting so I  will be spending time with the Tiny Dancer.

I guess this day hasn't been a total failure after all.

Deb