Wednesday, January 13, 2010

What was I talking about?

I really hate forgetting things. I also hate being wrong when I know I am right. I am more than willing to admit I am wrong when I am proven so and I don't have a problem apologizing when necessary. I just hate the feeling of being completely confident in something and then finding out I was completely wrong. It makes this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and then I start doubting everything I think about and then I just feel brainless.

Take yesterday, for instance. DH needed to go somewhere and pay for something on his way home from work. I told him to specifically use a certain checkbook for this purpose. We have two bank accounts and two checkbooks and I had budgeted only one of them for his purpose. I specifically remember handing him that checkbook on the way out the door to go to work. That was why I was surprised later when DH told me he didn't have the checkbook with him. I immediately checked my purse to see if it was still there, and no, it wasn't. I even took everything out of my purse to look better, and I didn't see that particular checkbook anywhere. I assumed, at that point, that he had the checkbook, and just didn't know where he has placed it and I was sure he would find it eventually. That was the end of it, I thought.

Last night I needed that checkbook back so asked him for it. DH was confused and said he never had it to begin with. I know he had to have had it because it wasn't in my purse and I haven't touched it since I remember giving it to him. He was insistent that I never gave it to him. The checkbooks are different colors to make sure there aren't any mistakes so I know I only had the other checkbook in my purse

Now, I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes. I also know that I have a very hard time distinguishing when someone is pulling my leg and I can occasionally be influenced in my decisions by the people around me. That is why I don't have a problem with admitting I am wrong, because I know that sometimes my decisions and statements might be partially based on my environment or my companions. (Some consider this being gullible. I feel that I just like to give everyone a fair chance at being honest.)  Last night I was already at the limit of my patience when the "conversation" between DH and I occurred. I was so angry that he wouldn't just give in and believe me or at least give me the benefit of the doubt. He JUST MIGHT have been wrong in his recollection and he refused to even admit that it was remotely possible that he made the mistake.

One of the reasons this made me so angry is that my absentmindedness and forgetfulness has always been a part of my personality, but not really more than would be considered normal. Over the last few years these problems have been getting worse and worse. After doing some research I have found that it is probably related to 1) some of the medications I have been on over the last few years (in which case the problem should have resolved itself when I stopped taking that particular medication) and 2) a side effect of suffering from depression and/or fibromyalgia. This has made the subject of my memory a sensitive subject for me.

Giving in to any part of these diseases makes me angry beyond belief. I will accept that I have these disease if I must, but I refuse to roll over and let them destroy my life. I will fight to my last breath to keep as much of my life intact for as long as I can. That being the case, you can imagine how upset I get when I feel that someone is treating me differently and using these diseases as an excuse.  Just because I have made mistakes does not suddenly make me wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME there is a disagreement about a previous event or occurrence. I might forget things every now and then but it does not mean I have forgotten everything I have ever done. I still have my brain and I am not considered deficient (not yet anyway) so it is very rude (if not downright infuriating) for DH to stand his ground and insist that I have mis-remembered something without trying to offer proof one way or the other.

While he didn't actually mention my memory problems or that they might be related to FM (or anything else) I have noticed a change in his attitude towards me in the last few years. He is still the most wonderful, loving, and amazing man in my world. He isn't, however, as patient as he used to be, which I don't blame him a bit for. (I am not as patient with me as I used to be either.) I have been sick in one way or another for more than half of our marriage, so far. This will try the strength of even the most loving and devoted couple. We have managed to come through pretty well at this point, but there is no denying that we treat each other a bit differently than we used to.

But, I don't want to be treated differently, at least not as if I am incapable of being smart or correct. I don't want to be patronized. I want to be listened to, and heard, and occasionally beleived. That is the very least bit of respect one person should be able to expect from another. By just dismissing my memory as wrong without (what seemed to me) a second thought, I felt as if he was dismissing ME without a second thought. Do you think I am being too sensitive about this? Am I making more out of this than I need to?

I should point out, now, that DH and I didn't actually have an argument about this. I asked him where the checkbook was, he insisted he didn't have it. and I insisted he did. We compared memories of the event, he said I was mistaken and pretty much that was it. I didn't try to continue on after that. I don't see the point in arguing about senseless things like this. Eventually the issue will resolve itself one way or another and pushing each other into a fight over it just causes needless bad feelings. I did, however, sit and seethe inside my head for the rest of the evening and on into this morning.

I didn't say anything else to him about it at that point because if I am getting THAT worked up about something so little, then I really just need to take a Time Out and get my head under control. (I'm not going to mention anything specific, but I think hormones of the monthly variety just might have has a play in all of this.) Generally, when we disagree I try not to discuss it unless I have a cool head. If I start to get really worked up about something, I immediately stop and try to figure out if it is really worth the hassle of an emotional response. If not, I walk away until I am calm and I talk about it later.  We have a mutual and unspoken understanding that if one of us walks away it isn't to avoid the issue, it is to calm down so we can reach an amiable compromise when we are both capable of thinking clearly. This is the method we both have used throughout our marriage and it seems to work well for us.

I had already decided that I was going to talk to him when he got home this evening and make a point to let him know that I really didn't like him instantly assuming that I was wrong last night. Then, (here comes the really awful part) I went through my purse this morning, looking for something else entirely different, and found the "missing" checkbook stuffed inside the other one.

So, I was wrong this whole time.

Somehow it didn't help to resolve the issue in my mind. Usually, I can laugh about these things and see the humor of the whole thing. I am not laughing today. In fact, I am still mad as a wet hen. I'm not mad at DH, really. He was right about what had happened. I am mad that I was wrong. Frankly, I just get tired of being wrong ALL THE TIME. DH never gloats and very rarely utters the words "I told you so." Even still, is it too much to ask to be right every now and again?

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