Monday, March 28, 2011

Off Day

I started the morning feeling "off." Not like, odd, like all my internal switches were set to Off. Energy? Off. Motivation? Off. Give a damn? Off.

I stayed in bed for literally hours after I woke up. I wasn't sleeping or thinking. I was just THERE. I realized I was supposed to be getting up so I could go to the dr for more shots. The thought of getting injected again was too much to handle, so I called WP and told him I would reschedule it. Actually, I didn't even feel like talking, so I sent him a text. When I rolled over to put my phone back on the night stand, I didn't have the energy to roll back onto my back. I got tired of being on my right side, so I turned over on my left. That was the most energy I spent until about 1:00.

About that time, my brain started slowly coming back on line. Why was I just laying here? Was I tired? Was I hurting? Was I depressed? I really didn't know. That's when I realized this was usually how an attack by the Gray Monster starts. First, I feel tired, then I feel apathetic, and after that starts the really nasty thoughts and I might have to fight them off for days or weeks before I feel like myself again. Looking over the past few days, I could see the pre-cursory mood roller coaster had been a warning sign. Now, I was staring right into the face of one of my worst enemies.

Screw this! I am NOT going to let this happen this time. I may not be able to totally stop it. I may not be capable of 100%, but I REFUSE to just let myself be a doormat to this monster that I can't even see. It took about an hour, but I finally got myself upright an into the shower. That is always the best thing to start off with. While I was in the shower I realized even larger than usual chunks of hair were falling out. My hair is getting pretty long, so that is a lot of hair to find wrapped in your fingers after you shampoo. I know this is just a side affect of the meds and my getting off of them. It has happened before and so I know, from experience, that right about now is when I will really start losing my hair and new growth will start coming in. I will be looking at skimpy, stringy, thinning hair for the next six months to a year. That is all I need, right now - to look even worse.

Staring in the mirror after my shower, I knew what I had to do. That hair had to go. No matter what I prefer, I will end up with stringy hair at the tips and bushy hair at the roots and there is no style that will work with that. Let me see... no money in the bank to go see a stylist. It is Monday. We get paid on Friday. How am I going to wait that long? Well, I didn't. I grabbed the hair trimming scissors an a comb and I whacked 7 inches off all by myself. No regrets. No panic. Just a pile of hair on the floor.

As I tossed the hair into the trashcan my fistfuls, I wondered why I never did this before? I like the way I look with shorter hair. Because of my round face (no matter WHAT my weight is) my hair just looks cute when it is about chin length. I keep growing it out because I ALWAYS used to wear my hair long before I started losing it because of the meds several years ago. Long hair is how I wore it when I was young and healthy and single. Does that mean it actually looks good that way? Or am I just trying to connect with the younger, happier me in a backwards, twisted, un-stylish sort of way? I really should just embrace the style that looks best on me and stop trying to label myself as a "long-haired person" no matter what I look like. All the pictures of me when I have short hair make me smile. I don't notice how fat the rest of me is (or isn't.) I just notice how cute and bouncy my face and my smile can be.

Then, I realize why I have never done this before. Not the short hair part. The cutting it myself part. Doing it yourself with only a tiny hand mirror to check the back is not the best way to ensure the smoothest cut. It took another 30 minutes of snipping and comparing, but I what the hell. It's only hair.

A few years ago, this whole scenario would have made me feel like I was loosing my marbles as well as half a head of hair. I wouldn't have even contemplated taking a pair of scissors to my own hair even in the case of outgrown bangs. For some reason, I don't feel the least bit unraveled. I actually feel a bit liberated and empowered. And cute, too. I even feel a bit sexy and sassy - two things I desperately need to feel.

Maybe, just maybe., I repelled the Gray Monster by taking matters into my own hands.

1 comment: