Saturday, May 28, 2011

Ok, I get it...Now leave me alone.

My brain is telling my consciousness that something has to change. I keep having dreams that are very vivid, memorable, and seem to be communicating all sorts of things. Most of the time, dreams are your brain's (the physical side) way of "taking out the garbage" so that your mind (the sentient side) can get rid of silly things that clutter it up. All day long, millions of unimportant thoughts cross your subconscious mind. When you don't have time or aren't able to examine those thoughts during the day, your mind files them away for the brain to take care of later. Without dreams, your mind becomes so cluttered with every little thought that you can literally go insane. (Go look up what happens to insomniacs that NEVER sleep.)

For people who wish to see it, all this "garbage dumping" can have an educational side to it. When your brain finds something it really thinks you ought to examine further, you end up with very vivid and memorable dreams. For the most part (I read this somewhere) 50% of your dreams are gone from your memory within 10 minutes of waking up. Within an hour, only 10% of your dreams are memorable - if you remembered them when you first woke up. Only the important stuff ever makes through to the first 10 minutes. Only the critical stuff ever makes it past an hour. If you want to remember it much past there, most people need to write it down or speak it out loud so it can be committed to a more permanent part of the brain.

I often get these very vivid dreams, especially when I have woken up in the morning and then gone back to bed for a short nap. I personally feel that my brain and my mind are capable of much more activity than I get in one day. Because I don't exercise my bran as much as I can (because my body holds me back) my brain likes to tell my mind just what it thinks I SHOULD be doing. In short, I get not only vivid dreams, but meaningful ones - if I take the time to decipher them.

The world of dreams is not as straightforward as the normal world is. That's when you get in to dream translation and deciphering and inner meaning. There are tons of people who feel images and symbols in your dreams always mean something specific. But, while one person feels water is sign of rebirth and positive change, another might feel that water is symbol for death and an omen of something dire in your near future. Some of it makes sense in your gut feelings and you know that there is some glimmer of truth for you. That doesn't mean that every bit of every person's philosophy is 100% true for you. Dreams are a personal thing, after all. Some people say that losing your teeth in a dream is a sign that you fear death. However, my father has dreams where he loses his teeth and it is always a huge relief. He has bad teeth and is always in pain, so for him the teeth thing, er..doesn't hold water.

Anyway, I have been having extremely vivid dreams over the past week and while the dreams aren't exactly recurring , the images and aspects of them are. Often, In my dreams, I keep deciding to run off with an old boyfriend and leave my current life behind. Does it mean I am not fantastically happy and in love my DH? Of course not. I love him more than life and I can't imagine being without him. (Besides, he's already trained.) I'm sure this has more to do with wanting the excitement and thrill that comes with young relationships and making big, bold, daring decisions. Lately, every big decision I have made has caused me to fall flat on my face. I never dream of running off with DH and leaving the world behind. He is my symbol of strength, and solidarity, and security.

Back in the "boyfriend years" I was never happy with my personal appearance, but now, I look back and I would do nearly anything to be that size and shape again. I was small but curvy and I had long hair and I never needed to wear makeup. Actually, I wasn't that bad looking. Today, I'm bored, and sometimes lonely, and I long for the days when I could look in the mirror and be happy with what I saw. I have extra pounds and skin that I am still fighting to reclaim from adult acne and to top it all off I have a bad haircut and I regret starting the whole "dyeing" spiral of eternal coloring. If it meant being that person again, who wouldn't want to go back a few years (at least temporarily.)

Other recurring themes are water, eggs, rabbits, cats, and adorably cute babies. I'm pretty sure this is related to a) reading too much Cheezeburger Network, and b)wishing I had my own baby, kitten, bunny, etc. to snuggle. With all the free time on my hands, I just feel the need to be productive, and you can produce anything more amazing than another human being.

However, while three kids are a handful and DH and I are actually enjoying them being older and more self-sufficient, a part of me is still feeling the biological clock ticking. I have many friends my own age who are pregnant, just had babies, or are still cuddling their toddlers at home. All my life I wanted to be a Supermom. The woman who had a career and babies and just seemed to make it all work. Then I actually HAD babies and I found I wanted nothing more than to stay home and bask in their beauty (until potty training age of course.) I struggled with the pain and guilt of needing to work and not being able to be home with them, or being home with them but not having enough money to make ends meet. I occasionally wish I would have had both girls and boys so DH would have his own little boy to take to Cub Scouts and all that. In reality, though, I am pretty sure I don't have the energy to handle boy toddlers, or boy potty training, or boy children, or boy teens. Besides, with girls like mine, the only part I'm missing is them actually being a Cub Scout.

Generally, I don't like to complain unless I do something about it. I can make all the plans I want and do all I can to prepare for a new start but I haven't gotten much good out of those plans. Unfortunately, it is more like an ice cream binge - it feels so good at the time, but the next day you feel ashamed of your lack of self control and let down that you got nothing out of it.

Sitting here, I can see where I have fallen and failed before. I recognize the pitfalls only in hindsight. I'm a great sprinter. I make it off the starting line and do great for the first quarter mile. Then, I lose energy, momentum, and I don't have the staying power to finish the race. I'm a poster girl for "Too much too fast." I'll jump in with both feet and burn out long before the goal is accomplished. Poor DH sees it happen all the time. When I try to take on a new endeavor, he KNOWS I'll crash and burn. He KNOWS I won't complete the race. However, he has learned not to warn me or tell  me to slow down. The Supermom in me takes all the negative comments and tries to use them to fuel my fire of success. There isn't much energy in negative anything, though and I will crash and burn even harder than before. Only now, I will have the embarrassment of listening to someone say, "I told you so."

So, what's a girl to do? I WANT to do more and have a somewhat normal life, but even the simplest of routines elude me. I WANT to make a difference in the world, but I can't be sure I will even get out of bed every day. I WANT to have something to show for these past seven years of pain and mood swings and fatigue, but there isn't anything there besides 60 extra pounds and a dozen journals filled with depressive bitching. Most people would love to have a life where 75% of the day is free time and you can do whatever you want with it. I feel like I waste 75% of every day because I never do what I want with it. I let my body and my illness set the pace and I feel incredibly wasteful for it.

The only thing I DO know is that I have to do something. I need to make a change - big or small, I don't care - that will put my brain at ease and let my mind know that it can stop digging at me to make a move. I left my boyfriends in the past for a reason. They can stay there, now. Thank you very much.

Deb "The Dreamer" Lollar


  1. Very insight-ful, Debs! Good for you... so... what about putting this knowledge to work for you? From what you wrote, it sounds like you are an organizer and facilitator, but NOT a drone worker. What about identifying projects that need to be started and carried through by other folks... organizing missions then delegating them for the long term. You have always been a person of strong and worthy vision. Turn what has been a deficit into a strength? Love you so much!

  2. This is a great blog, Debbie. I enjoyed reading your post. You are a very talented writer and I related to a lot of what you wrote.