When a Crafty Person Gets Lazy

When a crafty person gets lazy it is way different than when a "normal" person gets lazy. It can get into truly bizarre levels of WTF before we get up and do something productive.
Take this morning for instance...

I'm still in my pj's at noon because I don't feel like getting showered and dressed. Also, I'm behind on laundry so I'm not 100% enthused about getting showered only to get dressed into my least favorite items of clothing because they are the last thing I have clean.

Staying in my pj's sounds like a better choice EXCEPT that the pj pants I'm wearing need to be repaired. The button holes on the button fly have ripped a bit so the buttons no longer stay in the button holes. It's not been a huge deal before now because the pants are actually held up by a drawstring, but this morning I just got tired of having a draft across my tummy while my pants are still on.

Now, I'm sure a "normal" person would either a) go get showered and dressed, or b) at least go put on some different pants. Not me. No. I sit down, get ticked off for having to keep fidgeting with the buttons,  then look up and see my sewing stuff (left out from my last project), and think to myself, "I'm crafty. I'll just fix these button holes right here."

But, I'm lazy, remember? Too lazy to find different pants, even. So I just sit down and proceed to fix my pants WHILE I AM STILL WEARING THEM. I mean, it's just the button holes on the front. They are the easiest part of the pants to reach anyway. Right?

Well, I'm happy to report that I didn't stab, slice, or sew up my own body while attempting this. Not even once. And now that I'm sitting here with pants that close nicely in the front, I'm in awe at my own combination of laziness, craftiness, and luck.

Carry on people. Nothing to see here any more.

Deb "no draft" Lollar

Anyone else want to share a moment of laziness-meets-industriousness?

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Halfway Point

I am so excited and proud of myself I just had to share with y'all!

Today I officially reached the halfway point of my weight loss journey.

That may seem like a silly little thing to celebrate, but it's been such a long, frustrating road. If you remember, I started out with 70 pounds to lose.

Just let that sink in for a minute.

I'm just under five foot tall. 70 pounds was more than half again what my weight should be. I had to lose the equivalent of a small child in order to get back to where I was when I got sick. THAT is
daunting,

For a little perspective, here's what I looked like before I got sick.

That's DH and me, before I got sick and started gaining weight from the various medications the docs gave me to get better. Ok, to be fair, this was about two years before I got sick, but my weight was almost exactly the same as it was when I started getting sick in July of 2004.

And this is what I looked like when I hit my max weight.

That's me, lower left, at my baby sister's wedding in November of 2011. That was just three and a half years ago. The others around me are my brother and three sisters. Aren't we adorable? I love this picture but I'll be quite frank. I didn't realize what the extra 70 pounds really looked like until I saw these photos.

And, here is what I look like today.

Whew! What a difference! Not the best picture, but I'm starting to realize that just because I don't 100% love the way I look in a photo doesn't mean I need to hide from the camera.

As of today, I only have 35 pounds to lose. Yay! Go me! Time to do a happy dance!

I CAN lose 35 more pounds. I've had three kids. For me, that means I've gained and had to lose 35 pounds to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight at least three times before. This is doable.

I know that "doable" doesn't mean "easy". Because of the FM and my other joint issues, I'm just not able to exercise as much as I would like to or else it wouldn't have taken me three and a half years to lose the first 35 pounds. But, I'd like to lose the next 35 pound in the next year. That's about 3 pounds a month. That's less than one pound per week.

This goal is within my reach. Most of the progress I've made this far has been from dietary and lifestyle changes. I really haven't made huge changes, just small things like switching to iced tea, not eating out, being super aware of what I do eat at home. Because of the weight I have already lost, I AM able to exercise more than I used to and that feels great! Right now, I walk a few times a week. Where I used to be able to barely handle one mile at a time, I can usually go for about 2 miles now! I believe the change that had the largest affect, though, was cutting out the "maintenance" medication I had been taking for the last five years or so. Since I stopped taking it completely (along with almost all of the other meds)  in the middle of January, I have had more energy, less lethargy and fatigue, and the weight has really been coming off faster.

My biggest/little problem right now is that I've lost enough weight that my clothes don't really fit anymore. Unfortunately, when I gained the majority of the weight it all happened so fast that I completely skipped over a clothing size. I went right from 12's to 16's. So, right now, I have the clothes that are too big, but the next size smaller clothes I own are still a size smaller than what I can wear just yet. I'm not too worried though. I don't actually have to leave the house and look presentable more than a few times a week. I can make do with cinching down my belts for a bit longer. In any case, I really do believe I'll be able to fit into those smaller size clothes before too much longer.

I have to say though, that even though I am not where I want to be physically, I am happier with myself than I have been in years; maybe even happier than I was when I used to be the weight I want to be (if that makes any sense.) I have learned quite a few things about myself over the last several years. Being so sick and working to get better has changed things about me that I didn't know I needed to fix. I've found that I am often harder on myself than others are on me. Once I lost the ability to do many of the things I used to take for granted, realized that maybe I was a little too focused on my personal appearance and not nearly enough on my personal abilities. I learned the hard way that asking for help is a sign of strength and not of weakness. I definitely gained a deeper understanding of what it means to push yourself  and try harder and what it feels like to try and fail and try again (and again, and again.)

I no longer believe that my weight defines me the same way it used to. The number on the scale is one of many different ways I measure my overall health, but it is not the only way. It is certainly not the most important. After living this long with a disease that is basically "invisible", I am beginning to understand that everyone has their own battle to fight and not many share their struggles with others. I try very hard to avoid judging people I don't know, and even the people I do. Forgiveness comes easier and anger and frustration come slower. I do my best to focus less on what other people look like and more on what they act like. Even then, I keep in mind that the actions of others may or may not come from a healthy mind, body, and heart. I don't always succeed in these things. I am human, after all. But I am trying to be a better human.

For myself, I look forward to being thinner for different reasons than I used to. I used to want to get thinner so I could get back to my old self, the me that felt beautiful, and sexy, and confident. Today, I just want to be healthier than I was ten years ago. In fact, I some days I feel just as beautiful, sexy, and confident as I felt back then, Maybe even more, because I have experiences now that prove to me what my body and mind are capable of in spite of my outer appearance,

That's not all the time though, and it's not even every day. Most days I still hear the same, ugly voice in my head that I have been fighting for years. It tells me all sorts of rude and mean things I would never dream of telling anyone else.

You were prettier when you were thin. You are fat because you are lazy. You got sick as a punishment for judging other people because you are a mean person. You should be ashamed for not doing that thing you said you were going to do. Look at all the time you've wasted laying in bed, doing nothing. Your children deserve a better mother. Your husband could do so much better than you. He deserves a wife that can give as much as he does, not someone he has to take care of and pick up the slack for all the time. It would be better if you weren't around. At least you wouldn't constantly be letting everyone down over and over. 

That voice, though, it isn't the only voice I hear anymore. It is quieter, less confident in its abuse. It's losing power every day. I don't know if it will ever completely go away, but for now I am happy to be able to fight back.

I've come so far. Look where I was a year ago, three years ago, five years ago! It feels so good to be awake and living my life. I may have lost the ability to do so many things but how many skills have I learned since then? I don't know why I got sick in the first place, but I am going to use it to learn everything I can about myself. Even if I never conquer this completely, I will still be a better, stronger, more complete person than I could have been before. I never knew I was capable of falling so far, but I never dreamed I would be able to recover so much. 

It all comes back to the phrase that has become my personal mantra. I don't know where I heard it or where it came from originally. I only know that it is true.

When you feel you have been destroyed completely it is so you can be remade in a better way.

Deb "slightly smaller" Lollar

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I'm writing this from bed. Shhhh. Don't tell...

My original plan was to get back to writing three times a week. This past week has not been a great one to start that up. With DH suddenly home, I'm caught between wanting to spend time doing whatever he's doing (usually bead work) and doing what i should be doing (usually house work) and the fabulous new laptop has pretty much been a Pandora music streaming machine.
That's all about to change, I swear!

Ok, swearing isn't polite, but I assure you, next week will be full of writing and stuff. Maybe even photos!
I just figured out that my phone CAN actually handle posting directly to my blog site, so even if I'm stuck somewhere NOT home, i can at leasmake small posts here and there.

So, watch out world!

Deb "Mobile" Lollar

There is no part 2

I was hoping that Thursday's post would be this awesome cliff hanger. I would end it by saying I had to go car shopping and then I would be able to post a picture today about my new car.

That's not going to happen though. The Universe has other plans.

Before DH even got home from work Friday evening he got a call from the contract agency that his awesome job that he loved so very much has ended his contract.

That was a punch in the gut I was not expecting. I had anticipated a million different things that could have gone wring with the car shopping. I thought the car deals I was finding were too good to be true, and I was worried that may be would end up spending too much money buying the car and we would end up more broke than we wanted to be. Or maybe the dealership would pull a bait and switch routine and we would have to leave without the car we were promised. Or maybe the lenders would pull out at the last minute and we would be denied financing and we would be stuck looking for a cash car instead of a new one.

In all my worst-case scenarios, I never imagined that we would be cancelling the appointment entirely because we are going to have to make our little windfall stretch as far as possible for bills instead of buying a second vehicle.

Right now, we have one vehicle - a 15 year old mini-van - and we are going to have to repair the A/C that just went out so that DH won't show up to interviews hot and sweaty. At one point over the last week I had thought that maybe we could trade it in and put that money toward a different used vehicle for DH to use as a commuter car. That's not going to happen at all now. Instead of providing us with a little bit of a down payment, the van is going to cost us a chunk of change that we really need to save.

Of course, I'm still looking for the positives here. It doesn't change the fact that I am just, plain mad as hell. I'm thankful that DH got the call on the way home because if they had waited until Monday to tell him, we would have gone to the dealership and bought the car and it would have been too late to back out. I'm glad that we do actually have money in the bank - enough to pay the bills for the next month, at least. I'm thankful that the insurance is paying for a rental car until Tuesday so we had a few more days left of having two vehicles. That also means we will have a car to drive on Monday while the van is in the shop.

Now, in spite of the bad news on Friday, we still had plans to go out of town this weekend. DH was Head Man for a powwow in Houston and LH was Head Lady. This is the first time DH has been asked to be Head Man and he was very excited. It's a huge honor, especially for someone like us who was not born with Native American blood, but was brought up in the traditions by an "adopted" family. There was so much good that came out of being there, surrounded by people we know and love.

I'm thankful that we still had the rental car to take to the powwow in Houston this weekend. It was tight with all three girls crammed in the back seat of the tiny car and we barely had room in  the trunk for our suitcases but it was safe and got great gas mileage. I'm thankful that because DH and LH were both Head Staff the organization even paid for our hotel room down there. The organization also gifted both of them cash for their positions so all the gas and eating out that we had to do did not actually set us back. We, incredibly, came out ahead.

Hopefully by tomorrow I will have a bunch of pictures to show off from the weekend, but tonight I am tired and sad and I have to make plans for all the things than need to happen in light of the changing job situation. We've got places to call research to do and I've got to figure out how long I can make everything work around here with one car and no income. As usual, all prayers and good thoughts are welcome and appreciated. I know we will get through this, just like always. I mean, our survival rate for job crises so far has been 100%, so we have a good chance if surviving this too.

Deb

The Silver Lining pt 1

Wow, when I got into that "little" fender bender a few weeks back, I had no idea what was in store for me. Frankly, I still don't, but today, the possibilities seem a lot more positive than they did. I saw this dark cloud roll over me and I wasn't sure how long the rain was going to last. In the last few days, I really thought it would stick around a lot longer, too. Today, though, the sun started shining just a little bit. I think I might be seeing that silver lining after all.

For so many years I have operated on the assumption that any little problem would turn into a crisis that we would not have the resources to deal with. I feel like we are always "behind the 8 ball", constantly playing catch-up, never having enough to go around, always halfway between "just got paid" and "just about to be broke." At this time 10 years ago, we had lost our house, our car, and the tax return we did get that year went to our landlord to keep us from being evicted. Since then, we have not had a steady climb back into financial security, as I would have hoped, but things are so much better than they were. 

We have worked hard to get out of the kind of hole you find yourself in after one spouse has been out of work for more than a year and the other gets too sick to keep a job for more than a few months at a time. We budgeted. We scrimped. We "made do". We moved houses and even cities, trying to find a way to make it only on what we had from monthly income. When we had no working vehicle, we accepted help from family and we drove an older vehicle. That vehicle is the 15 year old van that is still sitting in our driveway. The windows don't roll down and the A/C and heater don't always work, but we keep fixing it when it breaks, because it is paid off. However, the cost of repairs are starting to outweigh the actual worth of the vehicle. Still, we keep driving it because it means we don't have a car payment.

Because of our credit history, we don't get all the fun stuff that it seems like everyone else does. We have paid ridiculous deposits for utilities. Getting a cell phone without decent credit means that we had to go through a pre-paid company and we don't get the benefit of bonuses and rebates for all the newest gadgets. Instead of "Shopping" we go "Treasure Hunting" and we come away from the Thrift Store with what we need instead of going to the Mall for what we want. Sometimes our bills have been more than we had in the bank and sometimes we ate beans and rice for too many days in a row. I have lost count of the money that was wasted in late fees and bank fees and "Your credit simply sucks" fees. It often felt like The System was designed to make poor people even more poor by punishing them with more fees just for being already broke.

Now, we could have joined in the Great American Pastime of buying stuff with credit that we really couldn't afford, but I already knew what a terrible thing a credit card could be. Right before we got married I was blessed with three different credit cards. Within a year we had run them all to the max paying for wedding things, but they just seemed to stay maxed out even months and months later. Once things started to get really bad, I realized they were more of a burden than the life boat we wanted them to be. When I got laid off, I used my severance to pay off and and close every credit account we had, knowing that if we couldn't be sure we could afford the monthly payment every single month, we weren't in a position to have a credit card in the first place. In fact, the only new credit I have had in the last 10 years was the car I paid off just a year ago.

That was the car that I paid too much money for. Not only was the price tag disgustingly inflated, but the interest rate was so high, I'm actually embarrassed to admit I fell for it. I was desperate. I HAD to have a vehicle for work. I didn't have enough  cash to buy a car outright and I couldn't afford to sink cash into another lemon. I had to have a reliable car. So I paid for it. But that was also the first car I ever paid off, completely. I had been saving this purple fairy sticker for five years and I put it on the back window to help me find my car in a crowded parking lot. This was the first car I had felt was truly mine since the Dodge Neon I drove 20 years ago when I got my first full time job.

This was the very same car that I was in when I rear-ended an SUV in the snow, on the way to pick up the kids from school.

Sitting there in my busted up car, all I could think about was how we had just gotten our tax return and now I would have to spend all of it to fix my car. Well, honestly, I had a thousand things going through my head. Thank God no one was injured. DH is already on his way home from work so he can pick up the kids so they don't have to walk home in the snow. So thankful I decided to keep Full Coverage insurance on the car, even after it was paid off and I was only required to keep Liability. I really hope I don't cause another accident in the backup from THIS accident. If my car is still running, should I move it out of the traffic, or leave it here until the police shows up? Please, Mr Police Officer, don't give me a ticket for the expired registration. I've been trying to get it updated for a week. I just paid to get the radiator replaced LAST WEEK, and now the NEW radiator is probably destroyed. If I spend all my extra cash on fixing this car, how am I going to pay the cheer fees for Tiny Dancer. They are due next month if she she makes the team at the tryouts next week. How is she going to get to tryouts if I don't have a car? Hey, the engine is still running! Since the engine does still start up, I should drive it back home instead of waiting for a tow. I should be able to make it since I'm only a few blocks from the house. I'm sure the tow trucks would be needed more somewhere else. Let them help out some poor person who is wrecked and too far from home and can't drive at all. If we HAD to have an accident, at least we had it while we actually had money in the bank to cover the deductible. Thank God I'm ok. Thank God everyone else is ok. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.

For the last two weeks, I've been driving a rental car that is covered by my insurance. Again, THANK GOD, because have you ever tried to rent a car without a credit card? Not easy. It's taken longer than I thought it would, but finally, yesterday my old car was officially determined to be a Total Loss. I met with the adjuster, signed over the title, cleaned all my personal things out of it, and said a final goodbye to it. That was WAY harder than I thought it would be, by the way. I  get entirely too emotionally attached to physical possessions. Anyway, something else positive happened that balanced out (a little) of the sadness.

I got a CHECK for the value of the car. It's like a last little gift from the car I've driven and taken care of for the last five years. Now, it's nothing to brag about, considering it was a base model Kia that was nine years old. But, it's more than I thought it would be and it is enough to help me actually replace this car with another car. At this point, I have the choice to use it all to buy a "cash car" (ie a junker that may or may not make it through the 30 day warranty) or I can maybe use it as the biggest down payment I've ever put on a car before.

But either way, now I have to go car shopping. 


Deb

The REALLY Short Version

Let me see...
How do I explain 6 months of insanity all at once without droning on forever and losing your attention 1/4 of the way through. OK. To put it all in perspective, let's try this:

• Last March - I got fired. Again. That's ok. I didn't like that stupid job and their dumb requirements to "show up" and "be on time." Sissies. I'm just going to crawl under this blanket for a few days. Or maybe forever. Forever works too.
• April - My computer broke down and never recovered. By May my Cloffice was just a closet again. No Office. No where to write. 
• August - I finally realize I HAVE a computer to use, and it's right in my own bedroom. It's  just that it's DH's, and in the middle of all HIS stuff. I'm unable to work up the energy to clear his stuff away enough to write. 
• September - That's the beginning of cheer season around here. Two practices and one game per week. And band stuff. And other school stuff, and, and. AND.
• October - The world decides to implode. DH loses his job. I wish I could say I handled it well. I did not.
• November - Since DH is home all the time, we bond over bead work and get to do whatever else we decide we want to do. But mostly it's bead work. SO MANY BEADS GOT WORKED. I'm suddenly looking forward to my retirement years... Also, I decide to begin weaning myself of the FM/Depression meds I've been taking for the last 8 years. I can't afford them and I soon realize they have been doing more harm than good.
• December - Because DH was Laid Off, not fired, he got a Severance back in October, which we immediately used to plan ahead. Christmas is actually pretty ok and not even a little like the scene where Tiny Tim's mom tries to use tiny plates to make it look like there is more food than there really is. Then, DH lands a new job!
• January - DH's new job requires him to work 6:30 AM to 3:30pm. Yes, as in 6:30 IN THE MORNING. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS!!!! It means I have to actually get up and be a human in the morning and drive my children to school by myself. Also, I decided to continue on this whole "Get myself free of addicting substances" and I quit smoking too. January was not my favorite month.
• February - It started off awesome and ended about as far from awesome as you can get. Because of Tax Returns, we got bills paid up and I was feeling pretty good and secure and comfy and stuff. Then the sky opened up and decided to snow all over Texas. A Lot. We lost a full school day because of ice, and then we lost an afternoon because of snow. While driving to pick my kids up in said snow, I rear ended a big ol' SUV. My car was totaled. Even though no one was hurt and mine was the only car damaged, this was still the third worst thing that happened that day. BOTH my mother's father in law AND Leonard Nimoy passed away. Some days it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps to escape, I tell ya. 
• March - It's only half over but so far it has been a HUGE improvement over February. First, I had full comp and collision on my nine-year-old econo-box of a car. So I have a rental to drive until the insurance finishes up gathering the incredibly tiny total on my old car. Now I get to go find a different but equally old and tiny econo-box. But hey, it will be New-to-me!
• Because of all the crappiness that has flooded our lives lately, DH and I decide to do some very responsible things. Like take the entire family to the North Texas Irish Fest and Buy Awesome Things. Yeah... when I say "responsible", I might actually mean "Something to make us feel better even though it was not totally 100% responsible." But, hey, we are grown ups, and dammit, I want new toys! So, instead of sticking ALL the tax return away, we use a little here and there to spoil each other. It's my birthday and I offer to share it with him as his half-birthday because, well... go back and look at October again. The man deserved a treat, if not a freaking Gold Medal for overcoming obstacles and dealing with my crazy ass. So, he got a casual kilt in the Leatherneck Tartan because he's wanted one since the Tartan was released. And, even though we were able to score some older laptops for the kids from his new job the amazing man saw clear to buy me a new one! With a touch screen and a full 10-key pad and all sorts of awesome built in. I tell you, I love that man.

So, here I am. I've got my own computer, which means I can write wherever I darn well please. I feel like I might be able to get back into a regular schedule of updating and stuff. Maybe I'll even get to post pictures and stuff and I can pretend to be a real Blogger! Maybe.
Or perhaps I'll start looking for work again. Or maybe, I'll enroll in college, like I've been threatening to for a while now. Maybe I'll just start focusing on the housework I always put off and then I'll find a way to keep it all done and POOF! I'll turn into a successful and happy Home Maker.
Or monkeys could fly out of my butt. Maybe.

Deb "Not Housekeeping" Lollar

Lets Pretend

I had enough of my present writing hiatus, I think. Life my be crazy, but I think I am crazier still when I don't write at least weekly for my own good. I thought I would change things up a bit and try something new. My kids like to play a game with their friends called "The Question Game" where they spend their time just asking different questions to each other to try and get to know each other better. Sometimes it makes for a good dialogue opener. So, here's my version called:

Let's Pretend

Let's pretend that in two weeks you will be leaving your present country. You will be going somewhere without phone, internet, even reliable electricity. You won't be able to have any contact with anyone back home. You will be going alone and you are not sure if you will ever make it back.

Here's my question: Who would you contact or what would you do over the next few weeks? For argument sake, I will specify that finances are the same you have now (so if flying to California isn't currently an option, it wouldn't be for this Let's Pretend, either. )

So, go ahead and reply in comments. Feel free to share with others and Follow my blog.
Enjoy!

P.S. I'll post my answer after a few of you have posted yours!

Deb "The Questioner" Lollar

So, you want to date one of my girls...

So, you've met one of my darling girls and now you think you want to take her out on a date. Maybe even more than one. I feel I should warn you. Dating one of MY girls may be a little different than what you would expect. You should also be warned that I consider my daughter and my niece equally important to me, so before you go any further, you should really take at look at these helpful little tips.

1. Fear is good.  Ah, fear. A parent's best friend. You might already know that Mr L is a Marine. He loves all his girls very much and he is just as protective as you think he might be. He also knows how to permanently remove you from the equation, make it look like an accident, and he already has a nice, long list of places to hide a body.

2. Make sure your fear is well placed. Mr L and his specific set of skills is certainly something to keep in mind, but he's not the one you should fear, yet (unless you've already done something to hurt one of our girls.) No, the first threat you should fear is Me. I am the first line of defense against little creeps who are up to no good. If I don't like you, you don't stand a chance. I won't ever come right out and say, "You're not allowed to hang out with so-and-so," but I have lots of other ways to make my disapproval known. Believe me when I say, if I don't want you around, you will know it.

3. Trust is better. If you want to spend time with one of my girls, it will be much easier if I trust you. I have to trust that you will protect my girl from any harm from others, and also that you will not ever be the one to harm her. Trust is not something that is given easily or quickly. You will have to gain my trust slowly, over time by showing me that you always have my girl's well-being forefront in your mind. If you are serious about wanting to see one of my girls, this lengthy trust-building will not be a problem for you because you already understand about things like trust and respect.

4. Respect is best. Respect is one of those complicated things that is hard to define, but is easy to recognize. You might say it is a combination of fear and trust. You should trust that I will make you fear me if any harm should come to one of my girls. There's more to it than that, though. Treating my girl as if she is the most important thing in the world is part of it. So is making sure the world knows that you value her in the only most respected way.


5. Show the right kind of affection. PDA (Public Display of Affection) is a fast lane to either earning my respect or losing any chance of seeing my girl again. When you are together in my presence it's ok to let my girl know you like her by holding her hand, for instance. Is is NOT ok to attempt to paw her like an animal or kiss her like they do in romance movies. That doesn't show respect for her as a girl or me as her parent. Even thinking about anything else beyond the kissing is clearly a bad idea (see rule number one.)

7. Value her as a person. Your actions and words will tell me very quickly if you truly value my girl the right way or if you are the type of person that objectifies females in the wrong way. I will not suffer the latter to hang around. My girls are all super smart with lots of unique interests. If you want her to like you, be prepared to ask about one of her many hobbies. Share your own with her. If you want ME to like you, be prepared to do the same. If you think that this is unnecessary, see rule number two.

8. Value her as a female. I know she is beautiful. She knows it too because I have been telling her that since the day she was born. Reminding her of this is perfectly fine, when done in a respectful way. For example, "You look amazing!" is good. Remarks referring to "sexiness"  or how "hot" she is are decidedly not good. Also, make sure to show that you respect and value your own female family members.Your comments and attitudes about your family are usually a reflection of the way you feel about women in general.

9. Value your relationship with her. Another way you will show her (and me) whether you value her is how you treat other women in your life and in public. Being disrespectful of other girls is a red flag for mothers who want the best for their girls. Ogling and and making crude comments falls into the "disrespectful" category. Participating in actions that don't support the idea that you are 100% devoted to my girl will get you a long walk down a short driveway.

10. I don't care what you look like or what parts you have. All I care about is how you treat her. Truly. This isn't a trick. Tall, short, tattooed, pierced, dark, fair, American, foreign born, baggy pants or tailored suit - it really doesn't matter to me. If one of my girls happens to prefer girls over boys, who am I to judge? I have taught my kids that people are people, and all people are valuable. However, regardless of your gender, the same rules still apply. Be yourself and be good to her, and we will always get along great.
After all, THE most important thing to me is my girl's happiness.

Deb "The Momma" Lollar

The Wall

I haven't written ANYTHING in a month. Since losing my job, I just haven't had the motivation to do anything. I KNEW it was coming. It wasn't a surprise. You would think that I would be a little more...desensitized to getting fired by now. But no. You might also think I would have learned a better way to deal with the depression that always follows, but I haven't got that figured out either. The last six weeks have been a long string of uninteresting days followed by unremarkable nights. My brain feels like a cross between jello and oatmeal without all the interesting bits of fruit floating around. I haven't followed followed my routines hardly at all. I'm showering whenever I get around to it, getting dressed sometime during the day, going to bed later and later, and sleeping in most mornings. The weather has been cooperative so I haven't needed to get up early to drive the teenagers to school, thank goodness. Most days I let everyone walk home as well. Budgeting, meal planning, routines... whatever. Stuff just isn't getting done.

I'm sure I will get everything together and figure out what I'm going to do soon, but not today. This can't last forever, right? The very fact that I am sitting in my closet-turned-office (affectionately referred to as the Cloffice) is a sign that I am doing better. Just being in here before now has been a reminder of the fact that I used to work from here, but I don't anymore. My brain keeps wanting to beat me up for being a total failure, and so I've been doing my best to avoid anything that triggers that kind of thought.

All I can do is be so very thankful for the understanding, patience, and hard work of my husband. Since his promotion at work he's been working his tail off. Thankfully, that also means more money so my lack of job isn't as big a deal as it once was. Also, I just finished paying off my car, so that makes a huge difference as well. Things balance out.

So far, I haven't used my free time to catch up on the laundry, or scrub out the refrigerator. I've only gotten a few pieces of bead work done in the last month. The days are pretty much spent sleeping or reading or doing other things that are a complete waste of time. The evenings are better, because I have the kiddos around. I might be spending the majority of the days in bed, but the evening hours are making up for it. Still, there are so many things that really need to be done. I'm walking a fine line between feeling guilty about not doing anything, and forcing myself to do too much at once and burning myself out.

I think I might have reached a turning point tonight, though. Nothing huge happened. No major epiphany or kick in the pants has occurred. Suddenly, I just felt that I had rested enough. I'm not making any big plans for tomorrow or anything, but there is a spark in me that has finally made itself known. I guess the last six weeks or so was my time to heal and recover. Now it is time to begin to build my strength back up. I won't be back to normal for awhile, but I believe I will finally start to get better. Sure, it's almost bedtime, but that's ok. Instead of feeling like I'm wasting more time, I'm going to think of going to bed as a way to recharge for tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm going to feel proud of myself for doing as much as I can. It isn't as much as I want, but I have to be satisfied that it is all I am capable. Tomorrow will be better.
It always is.

Deb

It happened. Again.

I managed to make it just beyond my one year anniversary at work before being canned for not showing up to work. I couldn't argue. I couldn't even be angry or upset with with my boss. He's been very understanding and has bent over backwards to try and keep me on as long as possible. I've only got myself to blame.

Maybe I could have drug myself out of bed just a bit earlier. Perhaps I wasn't in THAT much pain. I should really have logged in and just tried to take calls. Why did I have to be such a whiny little brat about having FM? LOTS of people have it and many of them go to work FULL TIME even, and manage to keep their jobs. I couldn't even make it to work four half days a week when all I had to do was walk to my office/closet, put on my headphones, and log in? I'm pretty pathetic.

At least, that's what's been going through my mind non stop since yesterday morning. That I'm a failure. I've been canned - again - for missing work and only lazy, self-absorbed, idiots get canned for not showing up to work. Of course, that is only half my thoughts right now. The other half is this awful crazy swirling mix of fear (that we won't be able to pay bills), indignation (I'm SICK for goodness sake!), sadness (I really will miss the awesome people on my team), relief (at least I can rest and not feel guilty that I should be working), guilt (of course, it was all my fault), and a dozen other feelings all pushing and shoving to get to the front of my mind. 

I gave myself yesterday to mourn and lick my wounds, as it were. Last night was miserable, too, partially because I slept FAR too much yesterday and it made it difficult to fall asleep. Also because I had this allergy thing going on and I spent several hours coughing, gagging, and trying to vomit everything up. Yeah, I know that is TMI, but this whole blog sort of is, too, isn't it?

Anyway, DH was truly an awesome hubby because he didn't try to wake me up this morning, he just took the kids to school and let me sleep. Thank goodness the older ones can walk to the high school by themselves. I KNOW I kept him up all night with my pitiful coughing and retching noises, but this morning he was more interested in making sure I was feeling better. THAT, people, is why I love that man.

In fact, instead of of getting all pissed out my losing another job, he was the one looking on the bright side. "At least we have our weekends back. More time for pow wows and more time for beading!" How did I get so lucky to nab a guy like that?

So, now that I have more time, I can really focus on my Five Steps. Maybe I'll even get enough crafting done that I can sell a bit here and there. I'm pretty positive I won't be able to completely replace my former income, but every little bit helps.

Stay tuned to see what crazy shenanigans I'm up to next week!

Deb

That was pretty tough

That was a pretty difficult downward spiral to pull out of! It was so sneaky I didn't even realize it was happening. It started with a few days of feeling yucky, a few back to back headaches, and before I realized, it had been a month of me not doing ANYTHING. I kept thinking, "I need a break. Maybe just a nap." Then I would pull out my phone to read FB posts or play a game just for a minute and POOF! Hours gone. Just like that.

I could blame it on the games on my phone. It was almost exactly a month ago that I was able to upgrade my phone to a newer, cooler version. It has WAY more inboard memory than my old one so I decided I would try to download some of the games I had to delete off my old phone because of space constraints. I was specifically ignoring the fact the the OTHER reason I deleted all those games was because I started playing them all the time instead of beading, writing, house cleaning... pretty much everything else I needed to be doing.

Truly, though, I know that if it wasn't games, it would have been something else. When the Grey Monster creeps in and takes hold even the dumbest things will cause me to become distracted. I once spent THREE HOURS standing up, next to a chair because I picked up an interesting book. When I was done with the book (it was a kids novel and I am a fast reader) I realized I had been shifting from foot to foot, my back was aching, and I was starving and very thirsty. You see, I had been walking into the kitchen to grab a snack and a drink so I could take some medicine to help my back when I spied the book on the table. Once I picked it up, I was so completely engrossed that I lost all track of time and forgot why I was in the dining room to begin with.

The past month has been just like that. One minute I'm on my way to do something important, the next several hours has passed and I've not gotten it done. Even worse, I feel like I've completely wasted that time. Wastefulness makes me feel guilty. Guilt makes me beat myself up and then I feel ashamed. Shame makes me want to crawl into bed and forget about the world for awhile. Which wastes more time doing nothing and the cycle repeats. When you throw into that mix the days when I am genuinely unable to do anything because of severe body aches or migraines, you end up with a whole lot of days in a row of not spending time with the family, not being awake and productive during the day... even showering seems to be too much to handle.

You would think that if I have the presence of mind to figure this stuff out right now, I could avoid it all the next time it happens. I wish it was that easy. Looking back, I can see that I am not anything close to rational during these periods of time. It's as if all the intelligence just leaks out of my head and the only thing I am able to do is sit and wait for it to find its way home.

Over the past month, I have tried to snap myself out of this on the few occasions that I was able to think clearly. I've forced myself to go to Pow Wows even when I didn't feel like going anywhere. A few weeks ago I helped out with a crafting day that my husband was in charge of. Last night I went on a walk with some friends of ours and I actually walked more than a mile without stopping. I can say that this "bad" stretch has still been better than my "good" days used to be. But it isn't enough to make me happy about it. All I can think about are the hours of wasted time and the long list of things that never got done. This is a month of time I can never get back.

So, right now I am feeling better and I am going to do as much as I can while I can. I will try to remember to eat, drink, and rest so as not to burn myself out and start the cycle over again. And, I will start paying attention to my Five Step Plan for the year again. Today, I have written, so that's one thing checked off the list. I didn't get up, get showered, and get dressed first thing this morning, but I DID (eventually) do it, so I'll give myself that one for today, as well. I haven't lost a pound a week, but I haven't gained anything back, either, so there is another positive to count. That leaves "be creative every day" and "spend one-on-one time with each of the kids." I've already got my beading stuff out  so I'll be finishing up a lanyard this afternoon. This evening is the annual Cheerleader Parents' Meeting so I  will be spending time with the Tiny Dancer.

I guess this day hasn't been a total failure after all.

Deb

It wasn't my fault!

I'm back. I've had computer issues and sick issues and all sorts of other issues, but I don't feel like complaining today. Just know I've missed writing and posting and I'm SO VERY GLAD to be able to do it again!

I wanted to share with all of you a very important Milestone for me in my journey to improve my health.
I have managed to lose the two most stubborn pounds ever.




I weigh 178 pounds.



I've been very reluctant to say that number out loud for everyone else to know. I'm afraid half of you will be all, "Whatever. That's not a huge deal." and the other half will be, "Holy COW You're HUGE!"

In any case, I know my body and what's right for my body should be around 120. That takes into consideration the fact that I am less than 5 foot tall, but that I am NOT a fine boned little bird. I've got curves and hips and boobs and I have no desire to get rid of them. I do, however, have a desire to feel healthy and fit.

These last two pounds have been really hard to get rid of. For some reason, breaking the 180 barrier has been impossible for the last five years. Even though it is only 2 pounds, it feels like a huge difference to me. For someone taller maybe, two pounds might not be anything to mention. But for me? My clothes are just a little bit looser. My knees hurt a little bit less. My waist is a little more defined. All of that equates to a bit more confidence and energy. THAT is the real benefit losing weight for me.

I still have a tendency to beat myself up about still being SO BIG. I mean, think about it. If just TWO pounds makes a noticeable difference, just think how much 20 pounds affects me. Or how about 80.
Yep. When I first started , I had EIGHTY pounds to lose. Now I only have 60. Or more precisely, 58.
It still seems like such a large number to fathom.

I've got plans, though. Besides just continuing to make better choices about what I eat and drink, I have a sneaky little scheme in mind. I'm working on convincing my husband to get a Resistance Trainer. It's a setup that allows racers to use their own bikes for indoor training. Basically, you prop your bike up on the spinning wheel and suddenly you can ride your bike as many miles as you want without ever leaving the garage. My husband is completely on board with this, he is just deliberating over the model and features and price. I would be happy getting the low end starter model and riding it it till it breaks, but no. HE has to pour over every little detail to get the VERY BEST ONE. You see HE is the one that was on the amateur bicycle racing circuit back in the day. HE is the one lusting after a new fancy racing bike that weighs less than 8 pounds and has space age materials in the state-of-the-art parts and accessories. HE is the one that gets up early every July so he can see the coverage of the Tour de France live instead of waiting for the recap in the evenings. And I am the one who wants to go ahead and buy the contraption in the first place.

 I tried once to go riding with him but it was a miserable experience for both of us. I am the one who still manages to fall off a bike every time I go out in public. I get hot and tired too easily to keep up with him. After a few blocks, I'm worn out and ready to head home. He has to go a mile or two just to get his legs warmed up enough for a REAL ride. So, even though I know I will never actually get out and cycle on the open road (or even the neighborhood) I DO know that cycling is one of the few aerobic activities I can do without making my knees any worse than they already are. And instead of purchasing some huge, heavy machine that will cost more than I ever want to spend and take up more space that I have to spare, I will buy a small, non-electric device that will effectively turn my bicycle into an Exercycle. Plus, I can make my bike fit me more comfortably than any gigantic machine. Besides, talking HIM into a new gadget to ride "his" bike is a lot easier than say, convincing him to purchase a treadmill.

So, wish me luck on my new purchase. If I'm lucky, I'll have it sometime later this week and I'll let y'all know how it goes! I'll have more pictures for updates next week!

Deb "Shrinking" Lollar

Update coming soon

I'm working on a new post and it is taking me a little longer than I wanted it to. However, I said I would post once a week, so here is something pretty to look at while I keep editing.

This is a picture I took of a path through the woods that I felt was really inspiring.

There you have it! Enjoy your week and your weekend! If you like my other posts, you have permission to take a look at the archives and read about all the many hearts in my life.

Deb

Slow and steady does... somethingerother

Well, I missed my arbitrarily decided-on deadline of posting by Wednesday each week. But, I'm not about to "throw the baby out with the bathwater" or whatever that saying is. Basically, I'm not giving up on me and my Five Steps, just because I had a bad week. That's what ruins so many other people on Resolutions. All, or nothing. I'd rather just have SOMETHING.

I guess I kind of lost a pound this week. I splurged because I felt awful (everyone here had The Crud) last week, and maybe I had more than my share of cookies. I definitely drank too many colas and I sure didn't get any exercise. The Crud hit me pretty bad though, so I didn't really eat anything OTHER than cookies. I guess the calories kind of balanced out. Then, when I felt well enough to eat real food, I made the mistake of grabbing some fast food. Twice. The first time should have been enough of a warning when I nearly passed out from stomach cramps. But no, I decided to convince myself, "Maybe it was just a bad burger. I'll have the chicken strips instead. That should be fine. Right?" Yeah, not so smart.By the time I weighed myself this morning, I HAD lost about a pound. Not the way I would have liked, but a pound is a pound, right?

Because I felt yucky, I didn't feel up to beading or writing or anything at all this week. It was really just a cycle of Wake Up, Do What I Have To, Count Minutes Until I Can Gi Back To Bed.  Not a lot got done. I finally gave in yesterday and went to the doctor. Scott had to go to get a Dr's note so he could go back to work. Apparently, they were concerned he would pass around the Flu to his co workers... worry warts. I figured since he was going, I should go to since the headache that started Saturday was still hanging around after THREE separate doses of the Migraine-Be-Gone meds. So one Flu test (negative, by the way) and one Awesome Shot in the butt and I was off to Night-Night land for the next four hours. It was heaven.

Before The Crud ascended on me, I managed to have an amazingly awesome weekend. The family took a trip a few hours south and attended a Pow Wow for TIHA, one of the organizations we belong to. This was the BIG one that we have all been looking forward to. My darling eldest, Little Heart, was crowned Princess for 2014.

Yes, it looks like Little Heart has a goofy look on her face. That's actually her Normal Face.

 It is such a big honor, I can't even describe it. It's kind of like a pageant, except for this organization you usually don't have to perform to get chosen. Generally, you apply and then the members vote and that's it. For LH, there wasn't really a lot of competition, so the biggest deal about it was her getting up and volunteering.  But, the organization is not required to name a Princess, and if LH didn't want to do it, they could have found or appointed someone else, or just opted not to have one this year. She was really nervous, and isn't a girly-girl, so the idea of being a Princess wasn't all that appealing. However, the idea of doing something good for others IS her thing, so in the end, she chose to volunteer because it would make the family proud and and also because it would let her do some good for the organization.

 In any case, it IS a big honor as well as a major responsibility for LH and the rest of the family. My family is well known in the Native Community around this area and, even though we are as white as you can be, we have strong Native support from families that are Native. That makes a big difference.


We go to several Native Pow Wows every year, and this year, wherever we go, LH will be wearing the crown and sash and will be representing her Organization. Everything she does will be a little more public. Her actions will be noticed by Natives and non-Natives alike. All eyes will be on her while she is dancing. Little girls like to come up to Princesses and ask for their autographs. Heaven forbid she makes a mistake, she will have to pay for it in a very public way. (Indians have ways of handling this. Usually its with money.)

To say I am nervous is a huge understatement. I didn't grow up in this culture. Everything I know about it, I have learned from watching and asking questions. I no longer feel like an outsider the way I did 12 years ago, but I am very aware that I was not raised around the drum. It is supposed to be the Mother's and Grandmother's job to teach the girls, as it is the Father's and Grandfather's job to teach the boys. Except this Mother doesn't really know much more than my girl, and I don't have a Grandmother to go to. Not officially. I still feel like there is so much to learn, I don't even know what questions to ask. I'm half afraid of asking something and getting that look from an Elder woman that says, "Of course, water is wet."

Here is Fern, with LH on one side and DH on the other.

Thankfully, I DO have some people to go to. My husband's "adopted" Indian mother, Fern, is Comanche. Her family put him in an outfit and taught him to dance when he was a boy. They proudly claim him as Family in the way Indians do. When they say, "He is my Nephew." there are no questions about it. When they say, "He is my grandson." you had better be prepared to have them over for Thanksgiving dinner, because they are FAMILY. This woman is everything you would expect an Elder Comanche to be - stern, imposing even, but loving and kind. Her smiles are very difficult to earn, but they are well deserved when she gives them. She was there with us Saturday night as LH was crowned.Fern was right there, first on the floor after LH's first time around. "Bow here, like this. Now turn, this way. Head up, shoulders back. Now, raise your fan." It was beautiful. Now, Fern has a daughter by blood, as well as a granddaughter. But, looking at her teaching LH, you would have never known that they were anything but blood.

 The outfits that we are all wearing are made completely by DH. The larger pieces of bead work were made by some close friends of ours, but the dresses, moccasins, and all the other accessories have all been designed and created by DH. He's really good at it, as you can see.

Here is Evil Genius proudly sporting her minks in her hair. She has named them Chip and Dale.

And Tiny Dancer in her Fancy Dance outfit. The bead work came first and the rest of the outfit was based on that.

 As you can see, the whole family is part of this. My girls have the advantage of being raised in The Circle around the drum. The younger two have been kicking their legs to the beat since before they could walk. They wanted to dance before they could run. They have learned the Right Way just from being exposed to it.When they make a mistake, it is forgiven because they are children.  No matter what, I always know they are safe when we are at a Pow Wow. They are with family.

Look, I was there too! Here I am, helping the girls get ready. Again.

 So, this is how I spent my last weekend. I'll probably be spending many more weekends this year in exactly the same way. Well, maybe not exactly. I probably won't be dressing up in my regalia for most of this year. Firstly, because I have to make sure the girls are dressed and ready and that alone is enough to keep me busy. I don't usually have time to dress up myself. Secondly, I'm afraid my dress doesn't fit me too well, anymore. I've lost enough weight now that it is TOO BIG! Woo hoo! I've told DH that he can wait awhile before making me another one though. He's got enough projects on his plate with the other girls outgrowing things nearly as fast as he can make them.

I want to thank you all for reading and following along with me on my journey of ups and downs. I hope you all enjoy the peek into the craziness that is my life.
Please feel free to Like, Comment, or Share as you see fit. I always welcome questions.

Deb "Busybody" Lollar

I did it!

So here I am blogging again. Yay me! I'm wearing regular clothes and sneakers, another point for me. I've finally started on the finishing touches of the purse for LH (why I waited so long to start will be a discussion for a another day.) Also, I've tried sit still and really listen to the kiddos this week when they come home all full of "Guess what happened!" So I'm doing good with my five step program.The best thing this week, though?

I finally lost the first pound of 2014!

Now, the fact that I seem to lose and gain the same 2-3 pounds, makes me a little leery, but I am going to count this as a loss (and not a fluke) because exactly one week ago, the scale read one pound higher than it did today. No, I'm not quite comfortable enough to write what that weight is yet. Besides, its significance only pertains to me. The same number on me is much different than on someone of average height (you know, anyone ABOVE 5 foot tall) or any woman with an average bust size (that would be someone able to use the first three letters of the alphabet when sizing a bra.) I don't want to get into a debate with someone about "You weigh THAT? I would KILL to weigh that! You must be messed up!" I'll just keep my number to myself for now.

Anyway, this one small accomplishment makes me feel really good. I'm purposely taking things slow and only making one or two small changes at a time. I'm trying to build a healthier lifestyle, not fad-diet my way into a skinny body that will be hidden inside a much larger body before 3 months has passed. I know I'm not able to hit the gym. Frankly, I'm not sure if I will EVER be ready for that. Making small dietary changes and pushing myself for a few extra minutes of activity each day is all I can manage right now, so I'm going to be proud of that. Any major changes or extreme energy usage almost always results in a Fibro Flare Up. That is the last thing I need. I've got to go really slow.

Unfortunately, I'm really tired of waiting and being patient. In my head I'm all "Why don't you get out and walk, or maybe even jog." So, I stand up to grab my running shoes and I'm instantly reminded why I haven't gotten out before now. Because it hurts. And also because every time I give in to that voice that says, "Just do it!" I end up stuck in bed and not able to do anything else. At all. I need to exercise my patience as much as my body.

Of course, this is when the Ugly Voice tells me that I'm just being lazy. That I'm in this place because I've been too lazy for too long. That Ugly Voice is a silver-tongued viper, I tell you. Doesn't it seem like the right thing to say? Doesn't that sound like good advice? Why do I let the FM stop me from walking several miles at a time like I used to do? Why do I crawl into bed at the first sign of pain or a headache? Isn't that the very definition of laziness - not doing what I should because it is too hard? Shouldn't I be digging deep within my soul and finding the energy and motivation to just stop being so lazy?

It make sense on the surface, but I'm beginning to see the Ugly Voice for what it is. An Ugly Lie. All the most believable lies have some shred of truth to them. The difference between a lie and the truth can be very subtle. Sometimes it comes down to how this thought makes me feel. Telling myself I'm being lazy... well that's not very nice. When I think thoughts that make me feel guilty, that is the first sign that I need to stop right there. Tough love is good, but it isn't ALWAYS the right choice. Being honest with myself can sometimes BE tough, but it needs to be LOVE first.

I am truly in this place not because I'm lazy. I'm not just making fake excuses so that I can sit down and ignore the world so I don't have to deal with the hassle of it. I don't cancel plans with family and friends, miss work, or sleep all day because I am a bad person. I have a medical condition that prevents me from living life the way I used to and it isn't laziness to make accomodations today so that I can have the energy I need tomorrow.

Does it sound like I'm defending myself and my actions, as if someone is accusing me of crimes?
I'll bet it does. Because I AM. I am defending myself. And the person making these awful statements about what a horrible person, and mother, and wife I am? That's me, too. I am my own worst critic. I see my faults plainly, even when I try to hide them from others. I am much harder on myself than I would ever be to anyone else. That isn't fair, is it?

Some people believe that physical ailments are a product of how we live our lives both physically and spiritually. The idea is that certain actions, thoughts, or habits reflect on your physical being and manifest as aches, pains, or illnesses. For instance, stubbornness and a refusal to see both sides of an issue could be reflected as a stiff or painful neck. This is just one of the interesting articles I found today when looking this stuff up. Here is another good one.

Whether you hold to these beliefs or not, the idea that you can "make" yourself sick is not that far-fetched. If doctors can say that things like headaches and stomach ulcers (just to name a few) are caused by "stress", and that you can improve your health by changing your lifestyle, it just makes sense to separate yourself from negative or "stressful" things and surround yourself with positive things. Beating yourself up and calling yourself names sounds pretty negative to me. Now, I'm not going to say that the last 10 years of pain, fatigue, and depression are caused solely by my own negative thoughts. If fixing this were as easy as just "thinking HAPPY thoughts" then I'm POSITIVE I would have beaten this long before now. (see what I did there?)  I do believe, however, that the more negativity we harbor in our minds, the worse our body will feel because of it.

My goal now is not to ignore the negative, but to be mindful of the bigger picture and treat myself the way I would treat someone else that I love. I need to be HONEST and LOVING with myself. That means thinking constantly about WHY I do or do not want to do something and allowing myself the freedom to choose both my actions and my moments of rest. It means being understanding of my limitations while still striving for a more active and fulfilling lifestyle. It means forgiving myself for what I can not do as well as being proud (instead of embarrassed) about the small steps I make towards recovery.

One measly pound sounds pretty minimal compared to all the weight I still have to lose. However, it is a positive milestone for me because it has come out of positive changes in my life. Just like I have been doing for the last week, today I am choosing to eat more veggies than starch or meat and replace 2 cokes each day with iced tea or plain water.  I will decide to not hit up the cookie jar (again.)  Tomorrow, I will endeavor to make the same smart choices, and keep on making them until I'm so used to those choices that they become normal. Then I will add another change. And another and another.

Here's to sticking with my goals!

Deb "Positively" Lollar

Still Hanging In There!

As I promised, here is a post exactly one week from my last one. That means I haven't completely failed at every New Years Resolution, yet, anyway.

How am I doing on the the others? Well lets see...

As for #1, to blog once a week? Well here I am so that's good

#2 Be artistic every day. I haven't done this EVERY day, but I have gotten some stuff done. See?

#3 Follow my Daily Routines every day. Mostly that means getting dressed to the shoes every morning and going to bed on time every night. There's more to it, but I can say, I've done really well at this. I've only slept in once and I still got up and got dressed when I woke up instead of sitting in my jammies all day. Score one more for me! I've also gotten a few places around the house decluttered (which is also part of my Routine.) I'll call this one mostly a success.

#4 Lose one pound per week. Hmm. Yeah. That didn't happen this week. I know what I did (that I shouldn't have) and what I should have done (that I didn't) but I'm not giving up. I built flex room into my plan for just this reason. I can do this. Also, here is a selfie to remind myself that I'm still pretty and loveable and I don't need to hide out from the world.

#5 Spend time with one of the kids every day. I didn't actually tell the kids about this part of my plan. I don't want them to think that I'm doing this just because I said I would. In reality, I think all five of these kids are just awesomely cool and I really WANT to hang out with them more. So, let me see... I spent a good amount of time with Monster and The Boy while driving them around on Saturday. That was pretty nice. Little Heart and I had a very serious, hour-long discussion about how she feels put upon and not respected and how life is not fair. She didn't really like what I had to say in reply to that, but I didn't say I was going to spend ONLY happy time with the kids, so it still counts. For Tiny Dancer and Evil Genius, it was more about making the most of a few moments here and there throughout the day. I'll do better with this next week, I'm sure.


After proper analyzing, I think I have done pretty well so far.

Other than sticking to my Resolutions, I've been pretty busy. Since December, I've worked every shift I've been scheduled for, without calling in sick. I'm only scheduled for three, half days a week, but I've made it every single time and even worked extra shifts on my days off. Even better, I have been ON TIME for every shift except for one. This is a really big deal because I was *this* close to losing it all in the middle of December. It was really a big misunderstanding but my history of being late and frequently missing work was not in my favor. I'm just glad that my boss is as understanding as he is. It also helped a little that when I DO work, I work well. I like what I do and I'm good at it. Even on my off days when I can't really think straight, I'm still able to hold my own. For the first time in 10 years, it looks like I will make it to my one year anniversary at the same company. February 11. It's on my calendar. It's a big deal.

The next few weeks are going to be very interesting. Sunday is a Scout banquet that I'll be attending with DH. Y'all know I'm not a huge fan of the BSA, but I AM a big fan of my husband. I mean look at him? How can you NOT love, support, and cherish this guy?

I'll support him because I love him and because Scouts has been a major part of his life since he was born. He does a lot of good for a lot of boys and I'm proud of him for it. Also, I'm rather pleased that BSA has made some very big steps towards being an inclusive organization. Allowing openly gay boys into the organization is a HUGE policy change that went into affect on January 1, 2014. It's something I've been waiting to see for a long time and I can't complain about it one bit. Ok, I can complain that they didn't make bigger changes, like lifting the ban on gay adults, too, but I feel it is only a matter of time before they do. Once they see that being gay is no big deal and it doesn't threaten anyone or anything, I feel that the leaders of this organization will see that this policy is just dumb. That's a very simple way to put it, but I'm sure you understand what I mean. It's in their best interest to lift the ban anyway, it will just take time for the leadership to change course on such a big ship.

The weekend after this is going to be HUGE. Little Heart will be crowned Princess of the TIHA organization.

So yes, technically she will become an Indian Princess. Of course, I'm bursting with pride over this. Looking at her now, at 16 years old, and remembering that we never really knew if she would ever leave the hospital... it can be overwhelming. For the next year we will go to as many Pow Wows as we can and she will wear her crown and sash and represent TIHA. More than that, she says she wants to use this opportunity to help raise awareness for CHD's and heart health. It's going to be a long year filled with a lot of hard work, but I'm looking forward to all of it. We have the support of the organization to help us out, as well as the assistance of dozens of other friends and family. As the events are scheduled, I'll keep y'all posted as to where we will be and when. These events are always open to the public and if you let me know you will be there, I'll be sure to save you a chair.

Here's the flyer for this Pow Wow, in case any of y'all can make it. The dance will only be on Saturday night and the location is about 2 hours from home, for us. We will drive down that morning and drive back that night, so no hotel this time. If anyone wants to caravan or carpool, be sure to let me know!

That's all for this week. Everyone keep warm and safe. Keep an eye on your neighbors, especially the elderly. We don't want to lose anyone to the cold weather!

Deb "Shivers" Lollar

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Happy New Year! It's 2014

Normally, I don't do New Year's resolutions, but I think I need to this year. There are some things I need to change and I want to put myself in a frame of mind to make those changes. I know that I don't have a whole ton of readers, but maybe if I post these here there will be some sort of accountability? Who knows!

1. I want to write once a week for other people to read. I already write every day, but if I want to ever get paid for it, I should work on being more consistent and practice putting it out for people to read more often. Along with this goal goes improvements on my blog appearance and adding in cool links and features. If I work on this a little bit every day - say 15 minutes a day - I can get into the habit of being on the blog regularly and writing with an audience in mind. Truthfully, I'd like to see if I can get more readers so I can get more feedback and get better at writing in general.

2. I want to work on something artistic every day. When I say something artistic, I mean using one of the many crafting skills I have. There is a large list of items that are needed and requested this year and if I don't make myself sit down and do them every day, they simply won't get done. I've got bead work promised to people, buckets of yarn just waiting to be crocheted into something, even more buckets of fabric that have been set aside for projects and never used, and hours each and every day that are currently unspoken for. I need to be more productive and I want to see results of my productivity. Hm, maybe posting pictures of my work would be good for me and the blog, too?

3. I want to follow my normal Daily Routines every day, even when I don't feel like it. This one is going to be hard. When I hurt, or when the fatigue feels insurmountable, or when I feel like I've been kicked in the gut by the Grey Monster, I tend to curl up in bed and pray for things to pass. Except that doesn't really help. Getting up and taking a shower and getting dressed in real clothes and moving around; these things DO help. If I don't want to be in the same physical state a year from now, I have to make myself do what I don't want to do. And I have to do it every day. Which brings me to my next goal.

4. I want to be get better shape. To define "better", I want to hit my goal weight by the end of the year. I know that weight loss itself isn't the goal, it's a healthier body. However, if I do the things I need to lose the extra weight, I will enjoy the many benefits of better health. If I lose just ONE pound per week, I will reach my goal by this time next year. One pound a week isn't all that crazy, is it? And since there are more weeks in the year than pounds I need to lose, I have some flex time in there to slide and still make my goal. I'm not going to say HOW I will accomplish this goal. I think I will just take things week by week and see what I can do as it happens. On the weeks I hurt more it makes more sense to take it easy and count calories more strictly. When I hurt less and have more energy, adding in light exercise or a longer walk will be a good option. I should probably add that I need to allow more (say, monthly) pictures to be taken of me so I can keep better track of my progress.

5. I want to spend more alone time with each of the kiddos. Since "more" and "time" aren't  easily defined, I will say this: Every day I will spend 30 minutes focused one child and I will spend the time with a different kid each day. This will be easier with some kids than others, I know. However, the way these kids are growing up, I want to be able to stay connected and strengthen the connections I already have. Every single one of these kids is an awesome little person who I love to hang out with. If it makes us both happy, I should definitely be doing more of it.

So there you have - the five ways I want to change the rest of my life, starting this year.
What do you think? Are New Years Resolutions an important part of your January, or are they destined to fail simply by their nature. Let me know in the comments and feel free to share my blog if you feel like it.

Deb "Positive" Lollar

Things I learned about life from Candy Crush

Ah, yes. The latest internet addiction - Candy Crush. I normally skip right over these sorts of things. I never even looked at Farmville or Mafia Life or any of those games. Who wants to be tethered to a computer all day just to reap imaginary rewards? The amount of money people were spending on those style games seemed completely wasteful. Definitely not my cup of tea.

However,  Candy Crush seemed a bit different. First, you don't have to pay to play (or win.) Second, the games are based on a combination of luck and skill instead of begging for horseshoes and waiting for crops to grow. Third, you have a limited number of tries before you HAVE to walk away, so you're guaranteed not to waste TOO much time on it.  Now I'm addicted like the rest of Facebooklandia.


In my defense, I found in-browser games YEARS ago. I got hooked on Bejeweled from Pop Cap way before it was "a thing." I could easily spend hours flipping gems and it still has as much appeal to me as it ever did. Since Candy Crush is the same style game, I liked it from the outset. Having specific goals for each level and needing to figure out the solution for each puzzle was what got me hooked. I've been so enthralled that I haven't even written for the public in almost two months. Since I got my smart phone in March, I find I hardly ever put it down and that has drastically reduced the time I spend in front of my "real" keyboard.
So, in an effort to curb my "sweet tooth", I will combine both my current faves.

Sitting there this afternoon (I was out of lives for the next 30 minutes) I started to wax poetic, if you will. I started to see Candy Crush as a kind of metaphor for life. Silly? Maybe. But hear me out.

Candy is the sweet stuff that life is made of. You have to put your things in a tidy row to take care of them. Bombs can represent emergencies that have to be dealt with RIGHT NOW. Chocolate, Licorice, and Multi-level Jellies are the tough parts of life that we have to deal with, even when we don't want to. See what I mean? Candy Crush is DEEP, man. Besides, studies have proven that logic games are healthy for your mind. So I'm actually doing something GOOD for myself, right?
Or, maybe I'm only trying to justify this relentless habit. Maybe.

Things I learned about Life from Candy Crush.

1. Chocolate is never the fix. It only creates more problems.
2. There is always a solution to the puzzle. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to find it.
3. It's ok to ask for help from your friends. 
4. A little competition never hurt anyone.
5. Sometimes you just need an extra tool to take care of roadblocks in the way.
6. When you combine two really great things, you get and EVEN BETTER thing!
7. Perseverance and patience are the keys to success.
8. Keep an eye on the time. Lose track of the clock and you will lose the game.
9. Always make sure that every move you make is helping to support your end goal.
10. You can't control whether bombs and road blocks cross your path. You just have to make sure to deal with them in a timely manner, before they blow up in your face.
11. You have to look at the big picture. By focusing on just one area, you not only miss opportunities for big scores but you also miss taking care of problems before its too late.

having said all that, I feel I have to add one more thing:
Playing a simple and fun game is a great way to blow off steam and take a mental break. However, when things get really stressful, it is important to put the puzzle away. If it isn't fun anymore, don't do it. Furthermore, a simple game (or hobby) should not soak up more of your time than your work or family. If you have to tell your loved ones  to "hold on a minute" because you want to play instead of helping them out, you need to put it down and walk away.

So there you have it - philosophy, Candy Crush style. Now, if you'll excuse me... I have five lives to spend.

Deb "Sweet Tooth" Lollar

P.S. Feel free to forward or share this post! If you like it, let me know in the comments. 

Long Time, No Write...

So it's been months since I wrote last. I'm still here, alive and all. I've just had some things to work through.
Sometimes my head gets so full that writing doesn't seem enough, I just have to DO.

Since my birthday at the beginning of March, I've been trying to work in a different direction. I haven't exactly told people around me, "Hey, I'm trying this new thing. What do you think?" but I think the family has noticed. A lot of the changes are subtle. Things only I would recognize as a change. Things like making myself get in the shower instead of sitting around in the same pj's I wore last night and have been wearing all day. Wearing shoes - even flip flops - all day because for some reason being barefoot makes me feel lazy. (Thank you FLYLady!) Walking through the house and picking up at least one thing that is out of place every single time. Fighting back the voices in my head that tell me "It's not making a difference. Why bother?"

Over the last few weeks, especially, I've been working on small crafting projects, like beaded lanyards and needle cases. These little things take a few hours to make and at the end, I have a finished piece that is actually useful. The result has been amazing. Not that I believe my work is awe-inspiring, but the affect of creating something specifically for someone else has made a very big difference in my mind. Being not just productive, but constructive has been a kind of therapy for me. In the tradition I was taught, when you make something for someone else, more goes into it than just the pieces you are putting together. It is proper to think good thoughts about the person receiving it while you are making it so the person who receives it will have good thoughts whenever they see it, use it, or wear it. Thinking good thoughts is always a good thing.

Also, I've been working very hard to connect more with the people in the house - listen when they talk. Speak to them directly. Ask them open ended questions. Be patient. I'll be quite honest when I say this has been a very big challenge for me. My three daughters are awesome, and even as we enter the teenage and pre-teen years, they are constantly astounding me with their depth of kindness, grace, and beauty. I feel the same way about my niece and nephew who have been here for almost a year. The truth is, I love them every bit as much as I love my kids if for no other reason than because they are family. But they are really amazing kids other than that. My problem is I just don't know how to tell them that.

They aren't like my girls. At all. Where Little Heart, Tiny Dancer, and Evil Genius are talkative and boisterous, Monster and The Boy are introverted and rather anti-social. They don't like being in public, especially noisy or crowded places. My kids love going out to restaurants, festivals, parades, picnics, and of course, pow wows. The other two always stay home, by their own choice. My girls have been busy this summer already with parties, cheer camp, dance class, and just hanging out with friends. Their cousins don't have a list of friends that they hang out with. They never leave their rooms unless specifically requested and I couldn't tell you any of the things they are interested in unless I ask direct questions about what they are doing at that very moment. My girls are always all over the house, doing something here, doing something different over there (leaving a trail of mess as they go) and they are free about letting me know whatever they are thinking about. The hardest part about having their cousins here has been trying to understand these two so that DH and I know what they need. They don't communicate the way my kids do and I don't know how to communicate with them in their way.

The hardest thing for me personally, though, is that the cousins are not physically demonstrative and hugging them always makes me feel like they feel awkward about it. That part is truly heart breaking to me. I'm a hugger, I guess. I hug my kids, my family, and my friends freely. I like to snuggle on the couch. I love that my girls want to come up and give me lingering hugs where they just lean into me for lengthy minutes until they have their fix and are happy to trip on off to whatever they were doing before. How on earth can you show someone how much you  love them if you can't give them a big squeezy hug? It literally brings tears to my eyes to think about how much I love those two kids and how hopeless I am at showing it.

It's that kind of hopelessness that has been standing in the way of me writing for other people to read lately. I am not a Super Woman, but I have always tried to be the best Mom I can be. With Monster and The Boy, I may not be THEIR mother, but I am A mother and I am in charge of them right now. Why shouldn't I give them everything I would give my daughters. The fact that I have not figured out how, is making me just plain depressed. These two kids are the polar opposites of my three girls because they have been raised that way and I just don't know how to bridge that gap.

Deep in my heart I KNOW that every child - every person - deserves to be loved, and to be shown that love. I feel that I am not giving these precious kids everything they need and that makes me feel... I guess inadequate. I feel like a failure because I don't have a way to reach out to these two. I haven't wanted to write because I usually try to touch on a little about everyone in the family but I don't have much to say about them because we don't interact the same way. I would really feel awful to keep writing all this awesome stuff about my daughters and then just sort of leave Monster and The Boy out of it.

 At this point, I know I need to stop thinking about ME and what I want for them. I guess I have to decipher what they need and want even if it is completely foreign to me. I'm not sure I could try any harder to figure them out, but I will still give it a shot. There has to be something I haven't tried. Some angle I haven't seen this from. Who knows? Maybe I should stop trying?

Nope. Not that. I refuse to allow the time those two spend here to be devoid of love and affection. I will never stop trying to show how I feel. I'll just need to figure out a different way to do it.

Deb