Thursday, December 30, 2010

The light at the end of the tunnel

The year is almost over. Most people will be reflecting on New Year's Resolutions. I'd rather not. First, because I never kept the ones I made in the past. Second, because I don't need any additional guilt on top of the baggage I'm taking with me from last year. Third, because I have no idea what the next year will hold so I have no way of even knowing what might be possible.

Sure, I could go with the typical list of "lose a few pounds, go back to school, get my closets organized, save a few bucks." Making a decision to do that this year is no different from any other year, or any other day that I've ever spent. I always want to do those things and for me, trying to make a big deal out of it just never seems to work. For instance, I have been looking at the stack of storage bins in my bedroom for four months now. Ever since we moved in to this little house, I have been planning on going through the bins, pulling out the clothes I want and then storing them neatly into the closet that they were so neatly stacked right next to. I've put this task on my list a dozen times. I've asked DH to help me move them. I've made a decision to "focus" on my bedroom for one day in the hopes of getting those darned things out of sight. Four months later, they were still there. Last night, however, I was gathering laundry from my room, I wanted a different place to put the hamper, so ... I took a quick look in the bins, realized everything in them is four sizes too small, and shoved them neatly into the closet that they were so neatly stacked against. Easy. No list, no resolution. Just one small space that needed cleaning out.

My problem is that I have a love-hate relationship with lists. They make everything look so neat and organized on paper. Then, I look at how long they get and I become overwhelmed. I never have the energy to actually finish everything on the list. I think I might be afraid of finishing them. What if I am all done with everything I have to do? Will I work myself onto an obsolete state? When the house is clean, what is there to do?

My hobbies never seem to align with my current state of energy and pain level, so I wander around the house, feeling bored, looking glum, and getting on my own nerves. Maybe I should just skip the lists for now and just do whatever is in front of me. I already have everything I need to do written down somewhere. I'll just pick a spot, clean it, move on to the next spot, and rest when I get tired. That sounds awfully smart and sane. Is this how other people run their lives? Do smart people and Born Organized people just KNOW what to do when to do it without anyone or anything telling them what to do and when to do it?

Help me out people... am I crazy for venturing out in my messy world without a list?
I feel scared....


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